The Worst Shows on TV
And no, it does not count reality TV, because that sucks so much that this list would have to be 17 million shows long. These shows suck because the people in them suck, because the people who watch them suck, and because they keep coming back. In no particular order:
FRIENDS - Yeah, I know, this shitty show is no longer airing new episodes (thank you, God) but it is still on enough in syndication to warrant a spot. This piece of shit throws a bunch of assholes into New York City (how original) and hilarity is supposed to ensue for some reason... but it doesn't. Next time it's on, watch the reactions of so-called "Friends fans". In all likelihood, they will not even laugh once, instead spewing some bullshit about how they like Jennifer Aniston, or "this is the one where Rachel and Ross get together". Well, I got news for you, that's the story of EVERY FUCKING EPISODE EVER. Here's your Friends checklist for the next time you see an episode:
1. David Schwimmer acts like a bumbling asshole to impress some broad, usually Jennifer Aniston, and then whines like a bitch when it doesn't work out. Also, he has about 19 marriages over the course of the show.
2. Matt LeBlanc makes lame come-on attempt to a woman or women. If not, he is talking at length about how much he likes to eat (?) So he eats a lot - why is that funny?
3. Lisa Kudrow (worthless) has an "out there" scheme or some wierd project, like picking up a badge and suddenly pretending to be a Police Officer (forget that it's illegal, it's hilarious... no, it is not.) Also, Kudrow will make outrageous claims like "coins have never forgiven her" or something gay. STUPID.
4. Jennifer Aniston having some kind of family trouble, or trouble with her job, or trouble with her boyfriend. We get it, she can be pretty and still have problems. She also stumbles over delivering most of her lines, and sounds like a fucking spastic most of the time (not that I wouldn't bang her).
5. Matthew Perry making jokes that the other "friends" should laugh at, but don't. I feel bad for him usually. Collect bonus points for keeping track of how many times he gets together with Janice. Even more points to the person who can tally how many times his weight shifts from "fat" to "normal".
6. Courtney Cox cleaning something or screwing Tom Selleck to distract the audience from the fact that she's not funny. Also she says the word "sweetie" at least 14 times per episode.
There you have it. Friends managed to turn 8 episodes of stories into a 10 year run. Congratulations, America, I hate you.
SEX AND THE CITY - Patty and Selma on "The Simpsons" said it best - it's a show about four women who act like gay men. Annoying gay men. When the girl with the lazy eye is the best looking one, you're in trouble. Besides her, you have the Nappy Flamer, Toucan Sam (follow me nose!), and the sagging corpse of Kim Cattrall. She always plays a slutty lady who constantly beds younger men, but there's one HUGE problem - she's older than my dad. I saw her on the cover of FHM or something a couple of years ago, with the tagline "I like younger men..." next to her picture. No shit, grandma! All the men older than you are already dead (or dying)! And men want to have sex with these ancient sluts WHY?
P.S. - Talking about designer shoes and purses and shit does not make your show cool. Try working on the dialogue and stories more, and the fashion less, you fucking assholes. Saying "Manolo Blahnik" is only worthwhile if it has something to do with the story. Otherwise, I might as well be watching the home shopping network. And if the ladies on the home shopping network looked like these whores, I'd change the channel faster than I do now.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - What a disaster. Not much different from Sex and the City, really. You have another nappy flamer. You have another sagging corpse (Nicollete Sheridan, cheating death for another week). One girl that I would bang retarded, and another broad that no one gives a shit about. And they all do horrible, horrible things to each other and people they supposedly care about. And I guess this is supposed to be empowering to women. Kill me. The worst show on TV right now, and by a large margin.
P.S. Nicollete Sheridan is engaged to Michael Bolton! You can't make this stuff up.
ALIAS - Never seen a whole episode, but Jennifer Garner is just plain ugly. She should have been a prizefighter with that jaw. And she is married to and has a child by Ben Affleck, by far the worst actor in the world. By the way, how was "Elektra"? And "13 Going On 30"? Thought so.
WILL & GRACE - Yeah, we get it. The guy's gay. Hilarious. Anything else? No? Really? That's too bad. Also, Debra Messing is hideous. Have you ever looked at her for more than 2 seconds? It's frightening.
MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE - Stupid, stupid, stupid. The Muniz kid is such a shit-eating twat, I want to punch him right in his ugly face. And he made (more than one!) "Agent Cody Banks" movie. And the dad is always finding a way to get into his underwear, to shave his back, or dance, or some bullshit. NOT FUNNY.
COMMANDER IN CHIEF - When I first saw previews for it, I thought it was a comedy. A woman President? In the USA? Come on. Our country would be shitty and hopeless within a week. Shutup, ladies. Another worthless attempt at empowerment. Can't you just be happy that females have won 3 of 4 "American Idol" contests?
GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW - George Lopez, a mexican guy, makes (bad) jokes about being mexican. Or something. Basically, this is all he talks about on talk shows and in his stand-up routines (yes, he is a standup comedian!) Also, his wife on the show is far too hot for him. Congratulations, you're a minority... now get off my TV, asshead.
LOST - "Castaway" if it dragged itself out to about a 40 hour movie. No one cares. People are stuck on an island. There are hardships that go with it. We know, we saw "Gilligan's Island" like 40 years ago. Running out of ideas? I think there might be aliens, or dinosaurs, or something else on the island... great, except you can't keep dragging that out forever. Either there are aliens and/or dinosaurs, or there aren't. There's never a food shortage or famine when you need one. Can't they all just die already?
SCRUBS - Zach Braff is an asshole, who likes Coldplay (and probably U2). That should tell you enough. But if not, just know that a lame hospital show with Donald Faison and that guy from "Office Space" is not a good recipe. It gives people horrible diarrhea. If Zach Braff is a doctor, then I am Galactic Emperor, because he is a giant douche.
There are tons of other shows, mostly on the WB and UPN, that suck balls also, but that's a little too easy. People actually like the shows on this list. Sure, I could make fun of "Half & Half", "Girlfriends", "The Parkers", or "Beautiful People", but no one would know what the fuck I was talking about.
If you watch these shows, you are a tool and should be beaten in a public place.
FRIENDS - Yeah, I know, this shitty show is no longer airing new episodes (thank you, God) but it is still on enough in syndication to warrant a spot. This piece of shit throws a bunch of assholes into New York City (how original) and hilarity is supposed to ensue for some reason... but it doesn't. Next time it's on, watch the reactions of so-called "Friends fans". In all likelihood, they will not even laugh once, instead spewing some bullshit about how they like Jennifer Aniston, or "this is the one where Rachel and Ross get together". Well, I got news for you, that's the story of EVERY FUCKING EPISODE EVER. Here's your Friends checklist for the next time you see an episode:
1. David Schwimmer acts like a bumbling asshole to impress some broad, usually Jennifer Aniston, and then whines like a bitch when it doesn't work out. Also, he has about 19 marriages over the course of the show.
2. Matt LeBlanc makes lame come-on attempt to a woman or women. If not, he is talking at length about how much he likes to eat (?) So he eats a lot - why is that funny?
3. Lisa Kudrow (worthless) has an "out there" scheme or some wierd project, like picking up a badge and suddenly pretending to be a Police Officer (forget that it's illegal, it's hilarious... no, it is not.) Also, Kudrow will make outrageous claims like "coins have never forgiven her" or something gay. STUPID.
4. Jennifer Aniston having some kind of family trouble, or trouble with her job, or trouble with her boyfriend. We get it, she can be pretty and still have problems. She also stumbles over delivering most of her lines, and sounds like a fucking spastic most of the time (not that I wouldn't bang her).
5. Matthew Perry making jokes that the other "friends" should laugh at, but don't. I feel bad for him usually. Collect bonus points for keeping track of how many times he gets together with Janice. Even more points to the person who can tally how many times his weight shifts from "fat" to "normal".
6. Courtney Cox cleaning something or screwing Tom Selleck to distract the audience from the fact that she's not funny. Also she says the word "sweetie" at least 14 times per episode.
There you have it. Friends managed to turn 8 episodes of stories into a 10 year run. Congratulations, America, I hate you.
SEX AND THE CITY - Patty and Selma on "The Simpsons" said it best - it's a show about four women who act like gay men. Annoying gay men. When the girl with the lazy eye is the best looking one, you're in trouble. Besides her, you have the Nappy Flamer, Toucan Sam (follow me nose!), and the sagging corpse of Kim Cattrall. She always plays a slutty lady who constantly beds younger men, but there's one HUGE problem - she's older than my dad. I saw her on the cover of FHM or something a couple of years ago, with the tagline "I like younger men..." next to her picture. No shit, grandma! All the men older than you are already dead (or dying)! And men want to have sex with these ancient sluts WHY?
P.S. - Talking about designer shoes and purses and shit does not make your show cool. Try working on the dialogue and stories more, and the fashion less, you fucking assholes. Saying "Manolo Blahnik" is only worthwhile if it has something to do with the story. Otherwise, I might as well be watching the home shopping network. And if the ladies on the home shopping network looked like these whores, I'd change the channel faster than I do now.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - What a disaster. Not much different from Sex and the City, really. You have another nappy flamer. You have another sagging corpse (Nicollete Sheridan, cheating death for another week). One girl that I would bang retarded, and another broad that no one gives a shit about. And they all do horrible, horrible things to each other and people they supposedly care about. And I guess this is supposed to be empowering to women. Kill me. The worst show on TV right now, and by a large margin.
P.S. Nicollete Sheridan is engaged to Michael Bolton! You can't make this stuff up.
ALIAS - Never seen a whole episode, but Jennifer Garner is just plain ugly. She should have been a prizefighter with that jaw. And she is married to and has a child by Ben Affleck, by far the worst actor in the world. By the way, how was "Elektra"? And "13 Going On 30"? Thought so.
WILL & GRACE - Yeah, we get it. The guy's gay. Hilarious. Anything else? No? Really? That's too bad. Also, Debra Messing is hideous. Have you ever looked at her for more than 2 seconds? It's frightening.
MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE - Stupid, stupid, stupid. The Muniz kid is such a shit-eating twat, I want to punch him right in his ugly face. And he made (more than one!) "Agent Cody Banks" movie. And the dad is always finding a way to get into his underwear, to shave his back, or dance, or some bullshit. NOT FUNNY.
COMMANDER IN CHIEF - When I first saw previews for it, I thought it was a comedy. A woman President? In the USA? Come on. Our country would be shitty and hopeless within a week. Shutup, ladies. Another worthless attempt at empowerment. Can't you just be happy that females have won 3 of 4 "American Idol" contests?
GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW - George Lopez, a mexican guy, makes (bad) jokes about being mexican. Or something. Basically, this is all he talks about on talk shows and in his stand-up routines (yes, he is a standup comedian!) Also, his wife on the show is far too hot for him. Congratulations, you're a minority... now get off my TV, asshead.
LOST - "Castaway" if it dragged itself out to about a 40 hour movie. No one cares. People are stuck on an island. There are hardships that go with it. We know, we saw "Gilligan's Island" like 40 years ago. Running out of ideas? I think there might be aliens, or dinosaurs, or something else on the island... great, except you can't keep dragging that out forever. Either there are aliens and/or dinosaurs, or there aren't. There's never a food shortage or famine when you need one. Can't they all just die already?
SCRUBS - Zach Braff is an asshole, who likes Coldplay (and probably U2). That should tell you enough. But if not, just know that a lame hospital show with Donald Faison and that guy from "Office Space" is not a good recipe. It gives people horrible diarrhea. If Zach Braff is a doctor, then I am Galactic Emperor, because he is a giant douche.
There are tons of other shows, mostly on the WB and UPN, that suck balls also, but that's a little too easy. People actually like the shows on this list. Sure, I could make fun of "Half & Half", "Girlfriends", "The Parkers", or "Beautiful People", but no one would know what the fuck I was talking about.
If you watch these shows, you are a tool and should be beaten in a public place.
Labels: TV
posted by guru at 9:08 PM
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