Funny hats, trucks, and tight pants
Those are the things that the average man (i.e. me) conjures up in his mind when the subject of country "music" comes up. Why do people who listen to it find it necessary to drive a pickup truck and wear tight Wranglers? Country music is gay and worthless. Country radio stations always play the same 7 songs, and most of them are sappy ballads by fruits like Keith Urban who cry about women and rhyme "pain" with "rain". How original. What's next, rhyming "high" with "sky"?
Seriously, though. Garth Brooks made the only listenable country music ever. Faith Hill tried to copy Shania Twain by being "hot", but she sucks and has no tits. Pansies like Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney are bald little shit-eaters who like to talk about stuff they think is cool, like drinking whiskey, but probably go swimming with t-shirts on to cover their man-tits. Toby Keith is an asshole who thinks he's tough but would probably get beaten in a fight by Jeff Gordon. And his music is sickening, from "The Angry American" to... whatever else he has put out. I'm an angry fucking American too, because every musician always talks about how hard it is to break into the music business, but a cock like Toby Keith can do it. You make me sick.
Last year, I'm told, a girl won American Idol who now is acheiving a modicum of success as a country singer. I am quick to remind people who point this out that being a successful country singer is akin to being the tallest man at a midget convention. Or the straightest man at a Cher concert. Or the most attractive woman who watches "The View". Or being thin compared to Oprah... you get the idea.
And then there's the country music TV station. It's bad (and embarassing, really) enough that they copied MTV's (lame) TRL with the unfortunately titled "CRL" (country request live - why, God?). But I recently noticed on my digital cable guide a show titled "Trick my Truck", which is an obvious attempt to copy MTV's "Pimp my Ride". Nice job furthering the stereotype of country music listeners as braindead hicks who fuck their relatives and drive shitty trucks to work at the fertilizer factory.
Also, Big & Rich (stupid name for a band, sounds like a shitty candy bar) try to distance themselves from the rest of the country music pack by adding a (gasp!) black guy in a cowboy hat named "Cowboy Troy" - who raps? Too bad they still suck and say the phrase "comin' to your citay" in every one of their songs, and then rhyme it with "pritay" (hickspeak for pretty, I think.) The painful silence following their halftime performance at last year's NBA All-Star game was only topped in hilarity by Charles Barkley's response to their gargantuanly bad showing:
"Big & Rich? I hope whoever put that halftime show together is getting their resume ready."
Seriously, though. Garth Brooks made the only listenable country music ever. Faith Hill tried to copy Shania Twain by being "hot", but she sucks and has no tits. Pansies like Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney are bald little shit-eaters who like to talk about stuff they think is cool, like drinking whiskey, but probably go swimming with t-shirts on to cover their man-tits. Toby Keith is an asshole who thinks he's tough but would probably get beaten in a fight by Jeff Gordon. And his music is sickening, from "The Angry American" to... whatever else he has put out. I'm an angry fucking American too, because every musician always talks about how hard it is to break into the music business, but a cock like Toby Keith can do it. You make me sick.
Last year, I'm told, a girl won American Idol who now is acheiving a modicum of success as a country singer. I am quick to remind people who point this out that being a successful country singer is akin to being the tallest man at a midget convention. Or the straightest man at a Cher concert. Or the most attractive woman who watches "The View". Or being thin compared to Oprah... you get the idea.
And then there's the country music TV station. It's bad (and embarassing, really) enough that they copied MTV's (lame) TRL with the unfortunately titled "CRL" (country request live - why, God?). But I recently noticed on my digital cable guide a show titled "Trick my Truck", which is an obvious attempt to copy MTV's "Pimp my Ride". Nice job furthering the stereotype of country music listeners as braindead hicks who fuck their relatives and drive shitty trucks to work at the fertilizer factory.
Also, Big & Rich (stupid name for a band, sounds like a shitty candy bar) try to distance themselves from the rest of the country music pack by adding a (gasp!) black guy in a cowboy hat named "Cowboy Troy" - who raps? Too bad they still suck and say the phrase "comin' to your citay" in every one of their songs, and then rhyme it with "pritay" (hickspeak for pretty, I think.) The painful silence following their halftime performance at last year's NBA All-Star game was only topped in hilarity by Charles Barkley's response to their gargantuanly bad showing:
"Big & Rich? I hope whoever put that halftime show together is getting their resume ready."
Amen, Charles.
posted by guru at 9:27 PM
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