Famous people who need to be dead people
"Famous" is such a relative term, which is why I chose it over, say, "celebrity". Anyway, these "famous" human beings need to die, and very soon:
Paris Hilton - Is there anyone left on Earth who thinks that this counts as a viable human being? She looks like a fucking bird with a lazy eye. She acts like she is actually talented - how did that CD do, by the way? She displays publicly disgusting behavior that would get someone who didn't stand to inherit billions of dollars jailed or shunned from society. In short, she is the single most despicable human being ever to grace the surface of our planet. It seems that everyone hates her, and everyone laughs at her, and wallows in her failures and embarassments, but she is the one person alive who isn't in on the joke. If I had a choice between going back in time and stopping the birth of Hitler, or going back in time and stopping the birth of Paris Hilton, it would be the easiest choice I've ever made. Because hey, WW2 was way, way before my time, and even Hitler was good for Germany's economy. What is she good for? Spreading disease? Giving me nightmares with her wonky eye? Making disturbing sex tapes? Please, anyone, tell me something, anything! WORST HUMAN BEING EVER.
Toby Keith - Makes shitty music, thinks he's tough, but is actually a fat-ass loser. If I met him on the street, I would kick the shit out of him for being so stupid. Or run him over. DIE PLEASE.
Larry the Cable Guy - Gay and fart jokes are only funny in moderation. And southern stereotypes are never funny. We get it, you have sex with your sister and watch Nascar. Hilarious. Also, he is from Nebraska and used to wear khakis and a collared shirt while performing his awful act. Add an accent, a sleeveless flannel, a mesh hat, and a bunch of jokes about shit and back pimples, and people roll in the aisles for him. God you fucking idiots are fucking retarded. WAKE UP YOU IMPRESSIONABLE JACKASSES.
Cameron Diaz - Hideously ugly. Thinks she is far more important than she is. Believe me, pizza face, school will be open on your birthday. The finest example of a lousy, untalented, unattractive Hollywood whore who acts like a raging bitch any time it suits her. I would die a happy man if I could kick her once. In the face. While wearing football spikes. With poison on them.
Nicole Richie - Same deal as Paris Hilton, but not as famous, though she thinks she is even more famous. In reality, is more of a medical curiosity than anything else. The reason so many cameras follow you, dear, is that you look like an extra from the "Thriller" video and people are taking bets on when you finally keel over and die. Not because they love you. They want to catch your death on film. Just wanted to make that clear. I would rather have acupuncture in my balls than look at or hear about or listen to this creature of the night.
Madonna - Is most annoying because, instead of simply accepting her contributions to pop music and culture in the 80's and early 90's (which actually were substantial), and going out of the music scene with a little dignity and a lot of money, she chooses to act as an attention grabbing whore who tries to be edgy and cool but just comes off sad and pathetic, and very old looking. I mean, you don't see Robert Redford still acting like the Sundance Kid, do you? Of course not, because he has some dignity. Not Madonna. We get to see / hear about her Kabbalah bullshit, and her mock crucifixtion bullshit, and her fake-ass English accent, and her embarassing forays into acting, and her book about sex bullshit, and her dancing in a leotard at the ripe age of 738. Very appealing. Like a professional athlete who stayed in the game 2 decades too long and embarassed himself to the point where you forgot all the great things he did in his prime, Madonna seemingly can't get away because she just needs the attention. And that is why she has to die, because I really don't want to see what she will be doing for attention when she hits her mid 80's.
Anna Nicole Smith - Needs to be put to sleep. That is all I have to say about that. Do it humanely if you feel it is necessary, but do it. And soon.
Jennifer Aniston - Yes, you're sad about Brad Pitt. Too bad for you. Stop going around talking about how you're "okay" and "moving on" or whatever. You are an awful, awful, untalented, awful person. No one cares. "Friends" sucked sour frog ass. Here's what a conversation with Jennifer Aniston would sound like:
Me: Hey, Jennifer.
Jennifer: What? I'm totally ok with Brad Pitt and everything. Totally.
Me: Alright... nice shoes?
Jennifer: Of course I'm ok! I'm totally moving on with my life. I don't mind that he had a child with another woman at all! What? Who said that?
Me: Uh... who said what? Look I was only being polite, I actually think you are kind of a...
Jennifer: No, I'm moving on. I wish Brad all the best. I am totally fine. Totally fine.
Me: Ok, I think...
Jennifer: I'm glad you asked, because I totally feel fine. I hardly ever think about Brad Pitt impregnating another woman. Why would I be mad or depressed about that? I feel fine. Huh? What did you say, Chandler?
Me: Chandler? You mean from Friends? God, that show was the biggest piece of...
Jennifer: Yeah, it was funny how I got married to Ross 26 times. And you know what else is funny? How much I am moving on with my life! I love life! Who is Brad Pitt?
Me: I gotta go, you're fucked up. Kill youself, please.
Jennifer: I'm totally...(to self) I'm going to die alone.
Matthew McConaughey - God, just put a fucking shirt on once in awhile, you fucking girly queer bait!
Lindsay Lohan - Already covered why in a previous post.
David Hasselhoff - You know what I said earlier about everyone except Paris Hilton being in on the joke? Same thing applies here. What a delusional loser. If he ever watched one of his own music videos, he'd probably kill himself anyway if he didn't have such a massive ego. Hopefully old age or complete irrelevance will finish the job for me.
Tom Cruise - Already covered why, too insane to be left alive anyway. Matter of fact, get rid of Katie Holmes too, even though I kind of feel sorry for her.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. - He bother me so much, because he is famous because his dad died, because he sucks balls at his chosen profession and is still wildly, disproportionately famous, because he participates in Nascar, the root of all evil, and because some females actually find this douche attractive. Why? Do these women have a thing for ferrets? Because that is what he looks like. For all I know, he could be the greatest guy in the world (but I doubt it), but to me, he is just a turd munching cock-knocker. And he likes it in the ass (probably).
Bono - Yeah, he does a lot of charity work, blah blah blah. I don't care, he's a fucking egomaniac, and the not the kind where you can laugh about it. Instead, every time I hear his pompous voice I want to smash his lousy face into a thousand pieces. And U2 makes some of the worst music of the last 20 years. "The Joshua Tree"? Come on, people, it's not exactly "Rubber Soul". Fucking losers.
Jessica and Ashlee Simpson - They're trannies who have sex with their father. Also, they can't sing or act, yet insist on doing so almost constantly.
There are literally hundreds more, but I'm tired and too angry to continue now. Possibly to be continued later.
I fucked your mother.
Paris Hilton - Is there anyone left on Earth who thinks that this counts as a viable human being? She looks like a fucking bird with a lazy eye. She acts like she is actually talented - how did that CD do, by the way? She displays publicly disgusting behavior that would get someone who didn't stand to inherit billions of dollars jailed or shunned from society. In short, she is the single most despicable human being ever to grace the surface of our planet. It seems that everyone hates her, and everyone laughs at her, and wallows in her failures and embarassments, but she is the one person alive who isn't in on the joke. If I had a choice between going back in time and stopping the birth of Hitler, or going back in time and stopping the birth of Paris Hilton, it would be the easiest choice I've ever made. Because hey, WW2 was way, way before my time, and even Hitler was good for Germany's economy. What is she good for? Spreading disease? Giving me nightmares with her wonky eye? Making disturbing sex tapes? Please, anyone, tell me something, anything! WORST HUMAN BEING EVER.
Toby Keith - Makes shitty music, thinks he's tough, but is actually a fat-ass loser. If I met him on the street, I would kick the shit out of him for being so stupid. Or run him over. DIE PLEASE.
Larry the Cable Guy - Gay and fart jokes are only funny in moderation. And southern stereotypes are never funny. We get it, you have sex with your sister and watch Nascar. Hilarious. Also, he is from Nebraska and used to wear khakis and a collared shirt while performing his awful act. Add an accent, a sleeveless flannel, a mesh hat, and a bunch of jokes about shit and back pimples, and people roll in the aisles for him. God you fucking idiots are fucking retarded. WAKE UP YOU IMPRESSIONABLE JACKASSES.
Cameron Diaz - Hideously ugly. Thinks she is far more important than she is. Believe me, pizza face, school will be open on your birthday. The finest example of a lousy, untalented, unattractive Hollywood whore who acts like a raging bitch any time it suits her. I would die a happy man if I could kick her once. In the face. While wearing football spikes. With poison on them.
Nicole Richie - Same deal as Paris Hilton, but not as famous, though she thinks she is even more famous. In reality, is more of a medical curiosity than anything else. The reason so many cameras follow you, dear, is that you look like an extra from the "Thriller" video and people are taking bets on when you finally keel over and die. Not because they love you. They want to catch your death on film. Just wanted to make that clear. I would rather have acupuncture in my balls than look at or hear about or listen to this creature of the night.
Madonna - Is most annoying because, instead of simply accepting her contributions to pop music and culture in the 80's and early 90's (which actually were substantial), and going out of the music scene with a little dignity and a lot of money, she chooses to act as an attention grabbing whore who tries to be edgy and cool but just comes off sad and pathetic, and very old looking. I mean, you don't see Robert Redford still acting like the Sundance Kid, do you? Of course not, because he has some dignity. Not Madonna. We get to see / hear about her Kabbalah bullshit, and her mock crucifixtion bullshit, and her fake-ass English accent, and her embarassing forays into acting, and her book about sex bullshit, and her dancing in a leotard at the ripe age of 738. Very appealing. Like a professional athlete who stayed in the game 2 decades too long and embarassed himself to the point where you forgot all the great things he did in his prime, Madonna seemingly can't get away because she just needs the attention. And that is why she has to die, because I really don't want to see what she will be doing for attention when she hits her mid 80's.
Anna Nicole Smith - Needs to be put to sleep. That is all I have to say about that. Do it humanely if you feel it is necessary, but do it. And soon.
Jennifer Aniston - Yes, you're sad about Brad Pitt. Too bad for you. Stop going around talking about how you're "okay" and "moving on" or whatever. You are an awful, awful, untalented, awful person. No one cares. "Friends" sucked sour frog ass. Here's what a conversation with Jennifer Aniston would sound like:
Me: Hey, Jennifer.
Jennifer: What? I'm totally ok with Brad Pitt and everything. Totally.
Me: Alright... nice shoes?
Jennifer: Of course I'm ok! I'm totally moving on with my life. I don't mind that he had a child with another woman at all! What? Who said that?
Me: Uh... who said what? Look I was only being polite, I actually think you are kind of a...
Jennifer: No, I'm moving on. I wish Brad all the best. I am totally fine. Totally fine.
Me: Ok, I think...
Jennifer: I'm glad you asked, because I totally feel fine. I hardly ever think about Brad Pitt impregnating another woman. Why would I be mad or depressed about that? I feel fine. Huh? What did you say, Chandler?
Me: Chandler? You mean from Friends? God, that show was the biggest piece of...
Jennifer: Yeah, it was funny how I got married to Ross 26 times. And you know what else is funny? How much I am moving on with my life! I love life! Who is Brad Pitt?
Me: I gotta go, you're fucked up. Kill youself, please.
Jennifer: I'm totally...(to self) I'm going to die alone.
Matthew McConaughey - God, just put a fucking shirt on once in awhile, you fucking girly queer bait!
Lindsay Lohan - Already covered why in a previous post.
David Hasselhoff - You know what I said earlier about everyone except Paris Hilton being in on the joke? Same thing applies here. What a delusional loser. If he ever watched one of his own music videos, he'd probably kill himself anyway if he didn't have such a massive ego. Hopefully old age or complete irrelevance will finish the job for me.
Tom Cruise - Already covered why, too insane to be left alive anyway. Matter of fact, get rid of Katie Holmes too, even though I kind of feel sorry for her.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. - He bother me so much, because he is famous because his dad died, because he sucks balls at his chosen profession and is still wildly, disproportionately famous, because he participates in Nascar, the root of all evil, and because some females actually find this douche attractive. Why? Do these women have a thing for ferrets? Because that is what he looks like. For all I know, he could be the greatest guy in the world (but I doubt it), but to me, he is just a turd munching cock-knocker. And he likes it in the ass (probably).
Bono - Yeah, he does a lot of charity work, blah blah blah. I don't care, he's a fucking egomaniac, and the not the kind where you can laugh about it. Instead, every time I hear his pompous voice I want to smash his lousy face into a thousand pieces. And U2 makes some of the worst music of the last 20 years. "The Joshua Tree"? Come on, people, it's not exactly "Rubber Soul". Fucking losers.
Jessica and Ashlee Simpson - They're trannies who have sex with their father. Also, they can't sing or act, yet insist on doing so almost constantly.
There are literally hundreds more, but I'm tired and too angry to continue now. Possibly to be continued later.
I fucked your mother.
Labels: celebrities
posted by guru at 1:46 PM
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