I keep telling you, they DO have other uses besides cooking and cleaning!
A lot of people give me shit all the time about how I hate women. That is untrue. I love women, for the most part. They can be fucking infuriating sometimes, but it's wrong to say that I just hate all women. I hate blanket statements anyway. Here are ten women I love, and why, in no particular order.
Christina Milian
I don't think she gets enough recognition is all. Why do I love her? Look at her. Her body is amazing. Sure, she sucks as a singer, and isn't much as an actress either, but she looks like that and she always seems to be sweet as well. Maybe she's a total bitch, but like I said, she can't act that well so I doubt it. She does lose a couple of points for banging Nick "biggest douche in the universe" Cannon, but I can let that slide. She is a hot little number.
Leticia Cline
Leticia here is a model at bike shows or some crap. Apparently, she really likes motorcycles. I know, who cares, right? I love Leticia because I heard her on Howard Stern the other day, and she came off as really slutty (even though she claimed to have only been banged by 3 guys, which I fucking doubt). She said she likes rough sex and sex in cars and movie theaters, even giving blowjobs ("it's the ultimate power", she said. I would gladly give her some ultimate power in her mouth) and shit. The good news is she isn't a prude. The bad news is she's obviously pretty stupid. But that doesn't matter when a girl looks like her, and she knows it. You know when you really want to have sex with a hot or pretty hot girl, and you finally get the chance, but the actual sex is kind of disappointing? I mean, it's still sex, but you kind of expected something special because you built up a fine-ass chick in your mind? With Leticia, I would almost guarantee that that would not happen. She looks like she fucks like she means it. And that is as good a reason as any to love her. Also, she has a kid, which sucks, but her body still looks like that, which is awesome.
Marisa Miller
Marisa is a great woman. She is the type of woman that makes me extremely happy I'm not gay. Just cranking one out to Marisa feels like an accomplishment. I once told a friend of mine while perusing the SI Swimsuit issue that women like Marisa (as if there are more than one, her body is that fucking sick. I mean, look at her tits! They're fucking huge! And what, does she do like a million sit-ups a day! Unreal) are the reason that normal women get eating disorders and feel insecure. She's also the reason that relatively hot chicks are insecure because compared to Marisa, "relatively hot" means jack shit. Therefore, said relatively hot chicks are easier to talk into having sex with me. So there you have it. Marisa Miller: American Hero.
Hayden Panettiere
You're just going to have to trust me that that is Hayden. It is, I swear! Hayden kind of looks like a troll sometimes, and her head looks huge on her because she's so small, but I still love her. Why? Because she has a great little bubble ass. Look at it! It looks great, huh? It's not tiny, but not huge. It has just the right amount of meat on it for her frame. Her ass, and the fact that she has no problem wearing tight ass jeans and getting her ass photographed, is why I love Hayden.
Beyonce Knowles
Beyonce is kind of annoying. She's EVERYWHERE, all the time. Music, movies, award shows,commercials, whatever. You can't go two days without seeing or hearing her. However, she is very pretty, seems to be sweet and humble, and has a great body. Nice tits, nice hips, and her huge ass is awesome. I don't always like huge asses like Beyonce's, but it fits her extremely well. She just needs to watch it so she doesn't get all fat and shit. So, in conclusion, I love Beyonce because she is hot and has a huge ass. And maybe she's talented or something, who cares. She's also with Jay-Z, who is ass ugly, but an awesome rapper. Bonus points.
Gemma Atkinson
I love her for two reasons. No, not her left and right breasts, though that would work. One reason is yes, she has huge boobs. Tremendously huge. And she knows that that's why she's relevant. And she likes showing off. The other reason, and this is going to sound gay, is her eyes. She has the most amazing eyes I've ever seen. They make me feel that all is right in the world, and that Israel and Palestine will eventually settle their differences, and that Grey's Anatomy will soon be cancelled, and that some day, some sportswriter will admit that Alex Rodriguez is actually awesome. Gemma Atkinson gives me hope. And, she has giant boobs.
Jenn Sterger
Jenn is famous (not really, sort of semi-famous, like the girl who showed up at the Saints / Eagles playoff game last year with the elegant and classy "Fuck Da Eagles" shirt) for being spotted at a Florida State football game looking hot. That's it. It's beside the point that FSU sucks balls. She doesn't seem to be good at anything, but she's really hot, and has really nice tits. She's one of those girls who is really hot, and also aware that she is really hot, which is alternatingly annoying and awesome. It's kind of nice to see a girl who basically says, "I'm fucking hot. Pay attention to me." It's honest, at least, which is kind of refreshing. Those low cut tank tops and tube tops and halter tops are the most honest shirts that a girl with an awesome rack like Jenn can wear. She didn't get implants to wear turtleneck sweaters, people. Also, she seems to be a big sports fan, which is kind of cool. Although her sport of choice is football, which is about as brainless as it gets, but still. It's a start.
Lauren Graham
Lauren Graham is an inspiration. That woman is 40 years old, and look at her ass. Granted, that picture is probably a couple years old, but still. I know 21 year olds whose asses don't look nearly that good. And I am willing to watch Gilmore Girls, which is an annoying, unnecessary, stupid show, just to see her 40 year old ass. It is amazing. That's it, really. She actually comes across as kind of funny on talk shows too, which means she actually has a sense of humor! A woman, with a sense of humor, and a perfect ass who is 40? If not for Lauren Graham, I would tell you that such a woman could not possibly exist. Thank you, Lauren. I love you.
Jennifer Nicole Lee
There are obvious reasons to love Jennifer. Her rack, her amazing muscle tone, the fact that she's drop dead fucking gorgeous. But the most pressing reason to love her is that she is a mother. Not because of any circle of life bullshit, but she's 32 and a mother and she looks like that. She was a dumpy housewife at one time, all flabby and depressed and dead inside. And instead of just bitching about how fat she was while munching on a Butter Burger from Culver's, she decided to start working out. And she kept doing it. And now she is hot, and awesome, and probably rich. She is also a sort of famous fitness model who started a company of some kind based on the fact that she can whip out of shape fatties into hotties like her. I love her because of her amazing body, but also her commitment. In an age where everyone wants an easy fix to fitness, Jennifer actually accomplished being hot as fuck the only actual way there is: diet and exercise. She should be hoisted on our shoulders.
Halle Berry
Everyone with eyes and a functional frontal lobe thinks Halle Berry is beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, whatever. And that's reason enough to love her. Pure, simple, genetic excellence. Halle Berry is better than you, if you are female. The end. Look at that picture of her. It's like a month old. Halle Berry is 41 and fucking PREGNANT and she still looks like that. Seriously. I've never said I would fuck the shit out of a pregnant woman before, but I would seriously fuck the shit out of Halle Berry. For real. She looks better old and pregnant than 19 year olds do. If Halle Berry ran for President, I would so vote for her. Assuming I vote at all, which I don't, but...anyway. Halle Berry is about as perfect of a female specimen as mankind is likely to encounter. Halle, you're the best. Not actress, you're just indescribably hot. So thank you.
More some other time. I'm fucking tired.
Christina Milian
I don't think she gets enough recognition is all. Why do I love her? Look at her. Her body is amazing. Sure, she sucks as a singer, and isn't much as an actress either, but she looks like that and she always seems to be sweet as well. Maybe she's a total bitch, but like I said, she can't act that well so I doubt it. She does lose a couple of points for banging Nick "biggest douche in the universe" Cannon, but I can let that slide. She is a hot little number.
Leticia Cline
Leticia here is a model at bike shows or some crap. Apparently, she really likes motorcycles. I know, who cares, right? I love Leticia because I heard her on Howard Stern the other day, and she came off as really slutty (even though she claimed to have only been banged by 3 guys, which I fucking doubt). She said she likes rough sex and sex in cars and movie theaters, even giving blowjobs ("it's the ultimate power", she said. I would gladly give her some ultimate power in her mouth) and shit. The good news is she isn't a prude. The bad news is she's obviously pretty stupid. But that doesn't matter when a girl looks like her, and she knows it. You know when you really want to have sex with a hot or pretty hot girl, and you finally get the chance, but the actual sex is kind of disappointing? I mean, it's still sex, but you kind of expected something special because you built up a fine-ass chick in your mind? With Leticia, I would almost guarantee that that would not happen. She looks like she fucks like she means it. And that is as good a reason as any to love her. Also, she has a kid, which sucks, but her body still looks like that, which is awesome.
Marisa Miller
Marisa is a great woman. She is the type of woman that makes me extremely happy I'm not gay. Just cranking one out to Marisa feels like an accomplishment. I once told a friend of mine while perusing the SI Swimsuit issue that women like Marisa (as if there are more than one, her body is that fucking sick. I mean, look at her tits! They're fucking huge! And what, does she do like a million sit-ups a day! Unreal) are the reason that normal women get eating disorders and feel insecure. She's also the reason that relatively hot chicks are insecure because compared to Marisa, "relatively hot" means jack shit. Therefore, said relatively hot chicks are easier to talk into having sex with me. So there you have it. Marisa Miller: American Hero.
Hayden Panettiere
You're just going to have to trust me that that is Hayden. It is, I swear! Hayden kind of looks like a troll sometimes, and her head looks huge on her because she's so small, but I still love her. Why? Because she has a great little bubble ass. Look at it! It looks great, huh? It's not tiny, but not huge. It has just the right amount of meat on it for her frame. Her ass, and the fact that she has no problem wearing tight ass jeans and getting her ass photographed, is why I love Hayden.
Beyonce Knowles
Beyonce is kind of annoying. She's EVERYWHERE, all the time. Music, movies, award shows,commercials, whatever. You can't go two days without seeing or hearing her. However, she is very pretty, seems to be sweet and humble, and has a great body. Nice tits, nice hips, and her huge ass is awesome. I don't always like huge asses like Beyonce's, but it fits her extremely well. She just needs to watch it so she doesn't get all fat and shit. So, in conclusion, I love Beyonce because she is hot and has a huge ass. And maybe she's talented or something, who cares. She's also with Jay-Z, who is ass ugly, but an awesome rapper. Bonus points.
Gemma Atkinson
I love her for two reasons. No, not her left and right breasts, though that would work. One reason is yes, she has huge boobs. Tremendously huge. And she knows that that's why she's relevant. And she likes showing off. The other reason, and this is going to sound gay, is her eyes. She has the most amazing eyes I've ever seen. They make me feel that all is right in the world, and that Israel and Palestine will eventually settle their differences, and that Grey's Anatomy will soon be cancelled, and that some day, some sportswriter will admit that Alex Rodriguez is actually awesome. Gemma Atkinson gives me hope. And, she has giant boobs.
Jenn Sterger
Jenn is famous (not really, sort of semi-famous, like the girl who showed up at the Saints / Eagles playoff game last year with the elegant and classy "Fuck Da Eagles" shirt) for being spotted at a Florida State football game looking hot. That's it. It's beside the point that FSU sucks balls. She doesn't seem to be good at anything, but she's really hot, and has really nice tits. She's one of those girls who is really hot, and also aware that she is really hot, which is alternatingly annoying and awesome. It's kind of nice to see a girl who basically says, "I'm fucking hot. Pay attention to me." It's honest, at least, which is kind of refreshing. Those low cut tank tops and tube tops and halter tops are the most honest shirts that a girl with an awesome rack like Jenn can wear. She didn't get implants to wear turtleneck sweaters, people. Also, she seems to be a big sports fan, which is kind of cool. Although her sport of choice is football, which is about as brainless as it gets, but still. It's a start.
Lauren Graham
Lauren Graham is an inspiration. That woman is 40 years old, and look at her ass. Granted, that picture is probably a couple years old, but still. I know 21 year olds whose asses don't look nearly that good. And I am willing to watch Gilmore Girls, which is an annoying, unnecessary, stupid show, just to see her 40 year old ass. It is amazing. That's it, really. She actually comes across as kind of funny on talk shows too, which means she actually has a sense of humor! A woman, with a sense of humor, and a perfect ass who is 40? If not for Lauren Graham, I would tell you that such a woman could not possibly exist. Thank you, Lauren. I love you.
Jennifer Nicole Lee
There are obvious reasons to love Jennifer. Her rack, her amazing muscle tone, the fact that she's drop dead fucking gorgeous. But the most pressing reason to love her is that she is a mother. Not because of any circle of life bullshit, but she's 32 and a mother and she looks like that. She was a dumpy housewife at one time, all flabby and depressed and dead inside. And instead of just bitching about how fat she was while munching on a Butter Burger from Culver's, she decided to start working out. And she kept doing it. And now she is hot, and awesome, and probably rich. She is also a sort of famous fitness model who started a company of some kind based on the fact that she can whip out of shape fatties into hotties like her. I love her because of her amazing body, but also her commitment. In an age where everyone wants an easy fix to fitness, Jennifer actually accomplished being hot as fuck the only actual way there is: diet and exercise. She should be hoisted on our shoulders.
Halle Berry
Everyone with eyes and a functional frontal lobe thinks Halle Berry is beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, whatever. And that's reason enough to love her. Pure, simple, genetic excellence. Halle Berry is better than you, if you are female. The end. Look at that picture of her. It's like a month old. Halle Berry is 41 and fucking PREGNANT and she still looks like that. Seriously. I've never said I would fuck the shit out of a pregnant woman before, but I would seriously fuck the shit out of Halle Berry. For real. She looks better old and pregnant than 19 year olds do. If Halle Berry ran for President, I would so vote for her. Assuming I vote at all, which I don't, but...anyway. Halle Berry is about as perfect of a female specimen as mankind is likely to encounter. Halle, you're the best. Not actress, you're just indescribably hot. So thank you.
More some other time. I'm fucking tired.
posted by guru at 8:32 PM
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