Just a Quick Reminder

I don't hate "The Sports Guy" Bill Simmons. I find him mildly amusing, and I almost always read his stuff. But, just like anyone else, his homerism is annoying. I fucking hate homers. Tom Jackson picking the Broncos every single week, anyone? How about how that anklegrabber Ditka always has a rationale for choosing the Bears, a team whose best player is their kick returner? Not good, fellas. I call foul.

But Simmons may be the most famous homer of all. And it's not like he doesn't have the right to be, I guess, seeing as how The Patriots are... well whatever, the Celtics look for real (though I worry that they may burn out), and the Red Sox just won the WS. Again. It's a great time to be alive in Boston. The rest of us? Not so much. From old windy Bill's latest, a strange column that served as a letter to himself 25 years ago (don't ask, I think it was all a premise to make fun of Dane Cook):

So that's all you need to know in Part 1. I'll shoot you another e-mail next week to prepare you for what happened in Boston sports since 1982. Here's a hint: the Red Sox turned the tables on the Yankees; Pat Patriot and the Garden were brutally murdered; the Celtics have cheerleaders; Fenway Park has Monster seats; the Patriots evolved into the most successful and despised football team of the decade, there was an eight-week stretch of Sports Illustrateds this fall in which a Boston team appeared on the cover six times; and a guy behind the counter in a hardware store noticed your Boston shirt last week and said, "I hate Boston, you guys win everything."

Most of this is harmless. Who cares about Pat Patriot and the Monster seats; Celtics have cheerleaders? Yawn; SI streak? No one cares about SI anymore; everyone always hates Boston, nothing new to report there; wait, what?

the Red Sox turned the tables on the Yankees

Ahem. Look. They won the 2004 ALCS. Congratulations. You won the World Series in 2004 and 2007. But "turned the tables"? That's a bit strong, isn't it? The Yankees have dominated the Red Sox for like 700 years until recently, and it isn't as if the Yankees have been out of the hunt during that time.

Boston Red Sox, 2004 - 2007: 375 wins, 273 losses. 3,543 runs scored, 3,056 runs allowed.
New York Yankees, 04-07: 387 wins, 261 losses. 3,680 runs scored, 3,131 runs allowed.

BOS: .579 win percentage, +487 run differential.
NYY: .597 win percentage, +549 run differential.

And I know, I know, "World Series Titles for Boston: 2. Yankees: 0." Right. Awesome, except that is based on like 20 games over the last four years, where the above data is based on 648. And if I hear someone else say "the playoffs are the only time it matters," one more time, I'm going to choke them to death. Also, the World Title discrepancy was like 2 million to three in favor of New York before 2004, and I bet the win percentage, run differentials, team ERAs, and whatever other stat you want to use would be equally lopsided.

And I know that part of saying that they've "turned the tables" is the long suffering Boston sports fan in him; the part that isn't using to being able to celebrate anything, much less gloat about it. And part of me understands that. But the other part thinks that saying something so stupid and smug is exactly the reason that the rest of the continental United States would pretend not to notice if a violent earthquake tore Massachusetts away from the eastern seaboard.

No, Bill Simmons. You are wrong.

Also, I hope Tom Brady breaks his leg, and angrily throws his helmet towards the sidelines in a moment of frustration and adrenaline, and the helmet strikes Belichick in the face and he dies.

Oops. I said the quiet part loud, and the loud part quiet.