7 NBA Players that absolutely suck
I love basketball, but some players make me want to see them not only lose, but be torn apart by a pack of bloodthirsty cougars. A lot of this is due to severe dick-waxing on the part of announcers like Doug Collins and Bill Walton, part is personality, and part is just physical appearance. There will be a lot of words like "defensive specialist" mentioned... the quotation marks mean it's sarcastic, you fucking jerk.
JAMAL CRAWFORD: Did this guy have a shoe deal for like 7 minutes? It's a great year to hate the Knicks with their effeminate, disgraceful crybaby of a coach and a bunch of overpaid malcontents. No one fits that bill better than Crawford, a "point guard" who has averaged a stunning 3.9 assists/game for his career. I know what you're thinking, he's a shoot-first kind of guard, and he makes up for it with scoring... well, you are an idiot. With a career average of 12.9 ppg, he ranks with such luminaries as... well who cares, he sucks. The worst kind of shoot-first point guard is one who can't shoot. Yeah, he can have big games, and he can dunk (so what) but he's streakier than your grandfathers underpants and also a cock (probably). Case in point, about two weeks ago, JC hit a game winning shot against the Cavaliers and proceeded to trot down the court making the "dirt of your shoulder" motion like he's fucking Jay-Z. Uh, Jamal? Your team has won like 20 games this year. You suck and are the laughingstock of the league. You're not a rapper, you're a below average baskteball player that wouldn't start on 85% of the teams in the league. So how about you cool it a bit, okay?
BEN WALLACE: Three time Defensive POY, every announcers favorite overrated "center", what am I thinking? He's a game changer, right? Again, you are an idiot. Ben Wallace is an offensive liability. It's like playing 4 on 5 with him on the floor. His career scoring average is a ghastly 6.6 ppg. His career high is 22 points. His career high for free throws attempted in a single game is 22 - and his career high for made free throws in a single game is 8. He is a career42% FT shooter. And don't talk to me about Shaq and Wilt being bad at free throws - first, they're not THAT BAD, and second, they are two of the top three centers of all time. Ben Wallace is an undersized douche with a chip on his shoulder because he went undrafted (rightly so) and has a tattoo of a clocktower on his arm. Real fucking tough. Sure, he plays defense, but no one gives a fuck about Theo Ratliff or Joel Pryzbilla, do they? Plus, the weak-ass fro is a lame attempt to grab attention that he does not deserve. Every time an announcer drools over yet another 4 point (on 2 sloppy putback dunks), 13 rebound performance, it makes me yearn for the days when Ewing, Olajuwon, Mourning, Mutombo, the Admiral, and Shaq would have fucked him up and eaten his lunch. On second thought, add Bill Cartwright and Randy Breuer to that list.
CHAUNCEY BILLUPS: Now that the Pistons are everybody's favorite "team" he is the "best PG in the league". No, no, no, NO. Chauncey Billups has been on 5 NBA teams, averaging 14.3 ppg and 5.1 apg over that time. Yawn. Anyone who gave himself the name "Mr. Big Shot" had better A. Have a huge cock, B. Have impressive stats, C. Have several awards to confirm his greatness, D. Have a good shot of having his number retired, and E. Have MULTIPLE NBA Championships to show for it. Chauncey has none of the above, and a massive set of horse teeth/lips to boot. So in two years when he wears out his welcome, at least he will be able to go back to his old job pulling carriages in New York City.
BRUCE BOWEN: This guy is the reason I hate the term "defensive specialist". More to the point, he is a "chickenshit cocksucker" who "kicks people in the back" and "rolls opponents ankles". Annoying people does not mean you are a great defender, it means you are an annoying prick and should go back to the Italian league or wherever you came from. His career scoring average is 6.5 ppg (lower than Ben Wallace!!) and shoots a dismal 57% from the free throw line. He contributes next to nothing in every other meaningful statistical category (besides maybe steals). But his saving grace is his three point shooting, right? Again, you are an idiot. In his 10 year career, Bruce has shot over 40% from behind the arc only thrice. Reggie Miller he ain't. So here's to hoping that Ray Allen, or Kobe, or T-Mac, or whoever just slaps the shit out of this fucking pussy so everyone can stop saying how tough he is. How many people have to say he's a dirty motherfucker before people stop riding his cock?
EDDY CURRY: I know nothing about Eddy Curry personally. He could be a great guy for all I know. What I DO know, however, is that his nickname coming out of high school was "Baby Shaq", which would lead one to believe that he was dominant on both ends of the floor, as well as exciting and marketable. Well, he ain't exciting or marketable, but that's not really a big deal, even Shaq can't sell shoes very well. Eddy Curry is 6'11", 285 pounds. He has been playing for 5 seasons (counting this one). In those 5 years, he has amassed career averages of .8 blocks per game (pretty terrible for someone of his size and athleticism) and 5.1 rebounds per game (inexcusable - and seemingly impossible). Chris Paul is averaging more rebounds per this season. How is that possible? How lazy can one guy be? Maybe he should get some more Chinese symbol tattoos on his neck (so totally awesome, I bet he has a barbed wire tattoo around his bicep too) that say "fat fucking slob".
RICHARD HAMILTON: I didn't call him "Rip" because Richard sounds so much funnier. He's a fine player, well conditioned, and a good shooter and average passer and rebounder for a wing player. Where I draw the line is the ridiculous wearing of the protective face-shield like 3 years after his broken nose. How lame! Does he think it's good luck or something? Because it looks really fucking ridiculous with his headband and mask on. He needs to lose the fucking thing before I or someone else smash his fucking nose again and make him wear one for real. It's like all these Piston players feel the need to have some sort of WWE style gimmick to get attention, because no one cares about them. You have their starting 5:
"Rip" the masked man
The Clucker (Tayshaun Prince)
Afro-gay
Mr. Big Lips
Psyhco Sheed (couldn't think of anything else on short notice, and besides, Rasheed rules)
VINCE CARTER: Finally, the biggest fucking jerk of them all. The man with the balls to negatively criticize Kobe's 81 point performance as "bad for kids" when he warms up with an iPod and purposely tanked at least 2 seasons in Toronto so he could get traded to another team where he wanted to play hard again. Is that good for kids? If you see Vince Carter in the street or in person, throw something hard at his face and tell him that he sucks and that you hate him. Tell him he is everything that is wrong with professional sports. Tell him he doesn't deserve to share the court with Jason Kidd. In a perfect world, Vince Carter would get treated the way Barry Bonds or T.O. does, but everyone forgets about what a cock he is because he jumps high. Oooooh, how impressive. Now jump off a building, you cock.
JAMAL CRAWFORD: Did this guy have a shoe deal for like 7 minutes? It's a great year to hate the Knicks with their effeminate, disgraceful crybaby of a coach and a bunch of overpaid malcontents. No one fits that bill better than Crawford, a "point guard" who has averaged a stunning 3.9 assists/game for his career. I know what you're thinking, he's a shoot-first kind of guard, and he makes up for it with scoring... well, you are an idiot. With a career average of 12.9 ppg, he ranks with such luminaries as... well who cares, he sucks. The worst kind of shoot-first point guard is one who can't shoot. Yeah, he can have big games, and he can dunk (so what) but he's streakier than your grandfathers underpants and also a cock (probably). Case in point, about two weeks ago, JC hit a game winning shot against the Cavaliers and proceeded to trot down the court making the "dirt of your shoulder" motion like he's fucking Jay-Z. Uh, Jamal? Your team has won like 20 games this year. You suck and are the laughingstock of the league. You're not a rapper, you're a below average baskteball player that wouldn't start on 85% of the teams in the league. So how about you cool it a bit, okay?
BEN WALLACE: Three time Defensive POY, every announcers favorite overrated "center", what am I thinking? He's a game changer, right? Again, you are an idiot. Ben Wallace is an offensive liability. It's like playing 4 on 5 with him on the floor. His career scoring average is a ghastly 6.6 ppg. His career high is 22 points. His career high for free throws attempted in a single game is 22 - and his career high for made free throws in a single game is 8. He is a career42% FT shooter. And don't talk to me about Shaq and Wilt being bad at free throws - first, they're not THAT BAD, and second, they are two of the top three centers of all time. Ben Wallace is an undersized douche with a chip on his shoulder because he went undrafted (rightly so) and has a tattoo of a clocktower on his arm. Real fucking tough. Sure, he plays defense, but no one gives a fuck about Theo Ratliff or Joel Pryzbilla, do they? Plus, the weak-ass fro is a lame attempt to grab attention that he does not deserve. Every time an announcer drools over yet another 4 point (on 2 sloppy putback dunks), 13 rebound performance, it makes me yearn for the days when Ewing, Olajuwon, Mourning, Mutombo, the Admiral, and Shaq would have fucked him up and eaten his lunch. On second thought, add Bill Cartwright and Randy Breuer to that list.
CHAUNCEY BILLUPS: Now that the Pistons are everybody's favorite "team" he is the "best PG in the league". No, no, no, NO. Chauncey Billups has been on 5 NBA teams, averaging 14.3 ppg and 5.1 apg over that time. Yawn. Anyone who gave himself the name "Mr. Big Shot" had better A. Have a huge cock, B. Have impressive stats, C. Have several awards to confirm his greatness, D. Have a good shot of having his number retired, and E. Have MULTIPLE NBA Championships to show for it. Chauncey has none of the above, and a massive set of horse teeth/lips to boot. So in two years when he wears out his welcome, at least he will be able to go back to his old job pulling carriages in New York City.
BRUCE BOWEN: This guy is the reason I hate the term "defensive specialist". More to the point, he is a "chickenshit cocksucker" who "kicks people in the back" and "rolls opponents ankles". Annoying people does not mean you are a great defender, it means you are an annoying prick and should go back to the Italian league or wherever you came from. His career scoring average is 6.5 ppg (lower than Ben Wallace!!) and shoots a dismal 57% from the free throw line. He contributes next to nothing in every other meaningful statistical category (besides maybe steals). But his saving grace is his three point shooting, right? Again, you are an idiot. In his 10 year career, Bruce has shot over 40% from behind the arc only thrice. Reggie Miller he ain't. So here's to hoping that Ray Allen, or Kobe, or T-Mac, or whoever just slaps the shit out of this fucking pussy so everyone can stop saying how tough he is. How many people have to say he's a dirty motherfucker before people stop riding his cock?
EDDY CURRY: I know nothing about Eddy Curry personally. He could be a great guy for all I know. What I DO know, however, is that his nickname coming out of high school was "Baby Shaq", which would lead one to believe that he was dominant on both ends of the floor, as well as exciting and marketable. Well, he ain't exciting or marketable, but that's not really a big deal, even Shaq can't sell shoes very well. Eddy Curry is 6'11", 285 pounds. He has been playing for 5 seasons (counting this one). In those 5 years, he has amassed career averages of .8 blocks per game (pretty terrible for someone of his size and athleticism) and 5.1 rebounds per game (inexcusable - and seemingly impossible). Chris Paul is averaging more rebounds per this season. How is that possible? How lazy can one guy be? Maybe he should get some more Chinese symbol tattoos on his neck (so totally awesome, I bet he has a barbed wire tattoo around his bicep too) that say "fat fucking slob".
RICHARD HAMILTON: I didn't call him "Rip" because Richard sounds so much funnier. He's a fine player, well conditioned, and a good shooter and average passer and rebounder for a wing player. Where I draw the line is the ridiculous wearing of the protective face-shield like 3 years after his broken nose. How lame! Does he think it's good luck or something? Because it looks really fucking ridiculous with his headband and mask on. He needs to lose the fucking thing before I or someone else smash his fucking nose again and make him wear one for real. It's like all these Piston players feel the need to have some sort of WWE style gimmick to get attention, because no one cares about them. You have their starting 5:
"Rip" the masked man
The Clucker (Tayshaun Prince)
Afro-gay
Mr. Big Lips
Psyhco Sheed (couldn't think of anything else on short notice, and besides, Rasheed rules)
VINCE CARTER: Finally, the biggest fucking jerk of them all. The man with the balls to negatively criticize Kobe's 81 point performance as "bad for kids" when he warms up with an iPod and purposely tanked at least 2 seasons in Toronto so he could get traded to another team where he wanted to play hard again. Is that good for kids? If you see Vince Carter in the street or in person, throw something hard at his face and tell him that he sucks and that you hate him. Tell him he is everything that is wrong with professional sports. Tell him he doesn't deserve to share the court with Jason Kidd. In a perfect world, Vince Carter would get treated the way Barry Bonds or T.O. does, but everyone forgets about what a cock he is because he jumps high. Oooooh, how impressive. Now jump off a building, you cock.
Labels: basketball
posted by guru at 9:15 PM
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