Rick Reilly = blowhard
I’ve always thought that Rick Reilly’s last page articles in Sports Illustrated were a little but hacky, filled with forced humor, bad puns, and a sense of smarmy, undeserved self-importance. But his latest, a legal pad styled “pro and con list” for Greg Oden to consider before declaring for the NBA Draft, has gone beyond mere hackery. It is so one sided, so stern in its tone, so obscenely sure of itself… Reilly has really gone out of his way to tell Oden what he should do with his immeasurable talents. He divides the reasons into two sides: “stay” and “go”. It devolves mostly into cheesy wordplay by the end, but most of it is worth looking at anyway.
STAY - You’re on a team you chose.
GO - You’re on a team a ping-pong ball chose.
Ludicrous. Every amateur athlete ever, with a couple of exceptions in pro football (Elway and Eli Manning come to mind) have gone to whatever team selected them. None of them have a choice. Are you saying he should never turn pro because he won’t be on the team of his choosing? Stupid.
STAY - College coeds.
GO - Hotel hookers.
College is a great place to get laid if you aren’t a complete tool, but something tells me that NBA millionaires don’t have to rely on “hotel hookers” (phrased thusly to make them sound cheap, and presumably for the hacky alliteration) to get pussy. Chances are, as millionaires, they have the choice of almost whatever top shelf sleeve they want. To act like he’ll never be around attractive women after turning pro is so insane it makes my head spin.
STAY - You’re idolized by thousands.
GO -You’re crucified by two drunks and a blowhorn.
What? Who gives a fuck? Like college athletes don’t have to deal with fan derision when they go on the road? Also, it occurs to me that most popular professional athletes are idolized by far more than thousands. Even Mark Madsen probably has thousands of fans. Okay, maybe not him, but still.
STAY - You may someday know the thrill of dotting the i.
GO - You may someday know the thrill of texting your agent.
And the cheesy, blowhard parallel wordplay begins. The thrill of dotting the i? Why is that better than texting your agent? Granted, texting is not too exciting, but…. Dotting the i? Fucking terrible.
STAY - Furthering yourself.
GO - Feathering your nest.
I don’t know what the fuck “feathering your nest" means. It probably means nothing, since it sort of sounds like “furthering yourself”. More hacky wordplay. Words that sound sort of similar = awesome sportswriting!
STAY - Not missing the best days of your life.
GO - Not missing “Days of our Lives”.
Notice a pattern? An unfunny pattern? Me too. Is he suggesting that pro players are more likely to not miss soap operas? And why wouldn’t making millions of dollars playing a game you love against the best competition on Earth be the best days of his life? I’m just saying.
STAY - A chance to emulate four year graduate David Robinson, your hero.
GO - A chance to emulate one and done dropout Omar Cook, a zero.
You know how else he could emulate David Robinson? By being the first pick in the NBA Draft, 20 years later no less. And yes, Omar Cook is a dope, but what about Chris Bosh, Carmelo, Lamar Odom, and countless others? Are they zeroes? Is this asshole suggesting that by jumping he will become a zero automatically, because of Omar Cook?
Also, hilarious rhyme scheme, rhyming “hero” with “zero”. It’s true too, funny and true.
STAY - You have a $10 million insurance policy against career ending injury while in college.
GO - OK, you’ll probably sign for $50 million in salary and shoe deals as a rookie, but as they said in “Wall Street”, how many yachts can you waterski behind?
I like this one. Basically, Reilly is saying “if you get injured, you’ll still have a lot of
money”. Then he says, “sure, you’ll make tons more money as a pro, but what do you need money for?” So, in other words, if you want money, that’s okay, just not too much money. And $50 million is the amount that I, Rick Reilly and “they” in some movie from the 80’s have decreed is too much. Stay in school! So what if you break your legs? You’ll still have some money to fall back on! But not too much!
STAY - “the” Ohio State University.
GO - “the” Internal Revenue Service.
It occurs to me that everyone has to pay taxes, even COLLEGE STUDENTS! Amazing! Also, wouldn’t “the” Internal Revenue Service have a little something to say about that $10 million insurance policy?
STAY - After an even better sophomore season you’ll enter the NBA as a hugely marketable star; ask Magic Johnson.
GO - Go now, and you’re just another tall nobody in baggy shorts; ask Kwame Brown.
Now he is saying don’t jump after one year, but two is definitely okay. Ask Magic Johnson! But less than that and you might be Kwame Brown. You know who else jumped too early? Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, Tracy McGrady, and LeBron James. Those guys haven’t done shit!
If anyone thinks Greg Oden and Kwame Brown are comparable in any way, shape, or form besides the fact that 1. they are tall, and 2. they play basketball, they need to be gassed, because they are crazy and potentially dangerous.
STAY - You get to cut down the nets.
GO - The Nets get to cut you down.
I didn’t know he was guaranteed to win a championship if he stayed! Why didn’t you say so? What’s that? It’s not guaranteed? Oh. So what the fuck are you talking about, jackass?
Why would the Nets cut him down? I know, because the Nets are a team, and it fits Reilly’s oh so clever wordplay to a T. But since I am a cynical jerk who enjoys ripping apart shitty sportswriters for fun, I will assume Reilly meant that the Nets will thoroughly dominate Oden next season with their intimidating front line of Nenad Krstic, Josh Boone, and whatever other corpses they can dig up.
STAY - You’ll see your teammates in caps ‘n’ gowns.
GO - If you get drafted by Portland, you’ll see your teammates in orange jumpsuits.
This should have read:
STAY - Mike Conley and Daquean Cook are definitely not going to be graduating before leaving for the league. So much for that.
GO - You won’t get drafted by Portland. Probably Memphis, or Milwaukee, or Boston, or someone else crappier. Fantastic “Trailblazers are troublemakers” joke. How very 2005 of you.
STAY - You’re famous for never jumping early.
GO - Why change now?
I didn’t know he was famous for never jumping early. Now I do. So I guess I learned something. But It’s time Rick Reilly learned something as well. Greg Oden would be pretty stupid to stay another year, no matter how much he loves college. He is potentially the best impact big man to come out of school since Tim Duncan. Why postpone the inevitable so old white hacks like Rick Reilly can cream themselves because “he’s a kid with his head on straight, and he knows the value of education, blah blah blah.” Look, I went to college. I agree, it is valuable. You know what’s even more valuable? Being 7 feet tall, 270 pounds and awesome at basketball.
I know part of this is supposed to be light hearted, and funny, and whatever. But I am pretty sure that Reilly really, really, REALLY wants Oden to stay. Why? Are you going to make up the potential millions he could lose by skipping out on being the #1 pick? Convenient that you didn’t mention Joakim Noah, who did exactly that last season.
SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU JACKASS.
STAY - You’re on a team you chose.
GO - You’re on a team a ping-pong ball chose.
Ludicrous. Every amateur athlete ever, with a couple of exceptions in pro football (Elway and Eli Manning come to mind) have gone to whatever team selected them. None of them have a choice. Are you saying he should never turn pro because he won’t be on the team of his choosing? Stupid.
STAY - College coeds.
GO - Hotel hookers.
College is a great place to get laid if you aren’t a complete tool, but something tells me that NBA millionaires don’t have to rely on “hotel hookers” (phrased thusly to make them sound cheap, and presumably for the hacky alliteration) to get pussy. Chances are, as millionaires, they have the choice of almost whatever top shelf sleeve they want. To act like he’ll never be around attractive women after turning pro is so insane it makes my head spin.
STAY - You’re idolized by thousands.
GO -You’re crucified by two drunks and a blowhorn.
What? Who gives a fuck? Like college athletes don’t have to deal with fan derision when they go on the road? Also, it occurs to me that most popular professional athletes are idolized by far more than thousands. Even Mark Madsen probably has thousands of fans. Okay, maybe not him, but still.
STAY - You may someday know the thrill of dotting the i.
GO - You may someday know the thrill of texting your agent.
And the cheesy, blowhard parallel wordplay begins. The thrill of dotting the i? Why is that better than texting your agent? Granted, texting is not too exciting, but…. Dotting the i? Fucking terrible.
STAY - Furthering yourself.
GO - Feathering your nest.
I don’t know what the fuck “feathering your nest" means. It probably means nothing, since it sort of sounds like “furthering yourself”. More hacky wordplay. Words that sound sort of similar = awesome sportswriting!
STAY - Not missing the best days of your life.
GO - Not missing “Days of our Lives”.
Notice a pattern? An unfunny pattern? Me too. Is he suggesting that pro players are more likely to not miss soap operas? And why wouldn’t making millions of dollars playing a game you love against the best competition on Earth be the best days of his life? I’m just saying.
STAY - A chance to emulate four year graduate David Robinson, your hero.
GO - A chance to emulate one and done dropout Omar Cook, a zero.
You know how else he could emulate David Robinson? By being the first pick in the NBA Draft, 20 years later no less. And yes, Omar Cook is a dope, but what about Chris Bosh, Carmelo, Lamar Odom, and countless others? Are they zeroes? Is this asshole suggesting that by jumping he will become a zero automatically, because of Omar Cook?
Also, hilarious rhyme scheme, rhyming “hero” with “zero”. It’s true too, funny and true.
STAY - You have a $10 million insurance policy against career ending injury while in college.
GO - OK, you’ll probably sign for $50 million in salary and shoe deals as a rookie, but as they said in “Wall Street”, how many yachts can you waterski behind?
I like this one. Basically, Reilly is saying “if you get injured, you’ll still have a lot of
money”. Then he says, “sure, you’ll make tons more money as a pro, but what do you need money for?” So, in other words, if you want money, that’s okay, just not too much money. And $50 million is the amount that I, Rick Reilly and “they” in some movie from the 80’s have decreed is too much. Stay in school! So what if you break your legs? You’ll still have some money to fall back on! But not too much!
STAY - “the” Ohio State University.
GO - “the” Internal Revenue Service.
It occurs to me that everyone has to pay taxes, even COLLEGE STUDENTS! Amazing! Also, wouldn’t “the” Internal Revenue Service have a little something to say about that $10 million insurance policy?
STAY - After an even better sophomore season you’ll enter the NBA as a hugely marketable star; ask Magic Johnson.
GO - Go now, and you’re just another tall nobody in baggy shorts; ask Kwame Brown.
Now he is saying don’t jump after one year, but two is definitely okay. Ask Magic Johnson! But less than that and you might be Kwame Brown. You know who else jumped too early? Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, Tracy McGrady, and LeBron James. Those guys haven’t done shit!
If anyone thinks Greg Oden and Kwame Brown are comparable in any way, shape, or form besides the fact that 1. they are tall, and 2. they play basketball, they need to be gassed, because they are crazy and potentially dangerous.
STAY - You get to cut down the nets.
GO - The Nets get to cut you down.
I didn’t know he was guaranteed to win a championship if he stayed! Why didn’t you say so? What’s that? It’s not guaranteed? Oh. So what the fuck are you talking about, jackass?
Why would the Nets cut him down? I know, because the Nets are a team, and it fits Reilly’s oh so clever wordplay to a T. But since I am a cynical jerk who enjoys ripping apart shitty sportswriters for fun, I will assume Reilly meant that the Nets will thoroughly dominate Oden next season with their intimidating front line of Nenad Krstic, Josh Boone, and whatever other corpses they can dig up.
STAY - You’ll see your teammates in caps ‘n’ gowns.
GO - If you get drafted by Portland, you’ll see your teammates in orange jumpsuits.
This should have read:
STAY - Mike Conley and Daquean Cook are definitely not going to be graduating before leaving for the league. So much for that.
GO - You won’t get drafted by Portland. Probably Memphis, or Milwaukee, or Boston, or someone else crappier. Fantastic “Trailblazers are troublemakers” joke. How very 2005 of you.
STAY - You’re famous for never jumping early.
GO - Why change now?
I didn’t know he was famous for never jumping early. Now I do. So I guess I learned something. But It’s time Rick Reilly learned something as well. Greg Oden would be pretty stupid to stay another year, no matter how much he loves college. He is potentially the best impact big man to come out of school since Tim Duncan. Why postpone the inevitable so old white hacks like Rick Reilly can cream themselves because “he’s a kid with his head on straight, and he knows the value of education, blah blah blah.” Look, I went to college. I agree, it is valuable. You know what’s even more valuable? Being 7 feet tall, 270 pounds and awesome at basketball.
I know part of this is supposed to be light hearted, and funny, and whatever. But I am pretty sure that Reilly really, really, REALLY wants Oden to stay. Why? Are you going to make up the potential millions he could lose by skipping out on being the #1 pick? Convenient that you didn’t mention Joakim Noah, who did exactly that last season.
SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU JACKASS.
Labels: basketball, jerks
posted by guru at 9:51 PM
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