I thought cats were just for losers who live in apartments!
Ahem. Actually, they are. Cats are awful. They are the worst housepet known to man. Worse than snakes or insects even. I would rather have a fucking ant farm than a cat. I would rather have an aquarium than a cat, and everyone knows that fish don't count as pets.
Cats are smelly, hairy, disgusting, slovenly animals who are mostly ill-tempered. What do cats do?
1. They jump on counters, eating food they aren't supposed to eat, then vomit everywhere. Needless to say, they do not clean it up (so much for cats being a "clean animal").
2. Their piss smells like the worst hangover pee you ever had, multiplied by 20. It's like straight up ammonia. And they pee everywhere... people have had to get rid of furniture because there was so much cat piss on it. And you can't wash it out, it smells THAT BAD. If a cat pisses on something, you might as well burn the fucking thing, even if it's a kid. Its worse than a skunk spray.
3. They are sloppy eaters, and leave their shitty smelling food all over the place becuase they are unable to put it all in their fucking mouths for some reason. It always smells like tuna, only after being left out in the sun for three weeks. In fact, let me say right here and now that cats are probably the most offensive housebroken animal on earth to someone with a decent sense of smell.
4. They shed like people in the South inbreed... which is to say constantly. They leave clumps of shitty hair everywhere they lay, which is on every chair, bed, and square inch of carpet in the house.
5. They always lay on my shoes when I'm at my girlfriend's house for some reason (not sure if this is common or not). I hate cats. I am allergic to cats. When I go to retrieve my shoes, the little fuckers hiss at me like I'm attempting to spay them. Fuck you, you shit-eating fuckwads! They're my shoes! If you hate me so much, get the fuck off of them!
6. Whenever a door is closed off to them, they automatically want in. They will paw and meow incessantly until you open the door and let them in, or until you beat them with a rolling pin like I do. And they make the most annoying noises you could possibly imagine. It sounds like a live Ashlee Simpson performance. And even SHE doesn't smell as bad as most cats do.
7. They have a knack for ending up where they're not supposed to be, like stuck inside the framework of a couch or under the hood of a car. Then people are supposed to expend valuable time and effort to retrieve them? No. If cats are so smart, they wouldn't go in there in the first place. I say leave the shitheads in there until they starve to death. A cat was stuck in my girlfriend's couch the other night, and the little fucker was in there so long that it took a shit under the cushion (it was a foldout sleeper sofa). A shit! A piss is one thing, but a shit? That is nasty. I was sitting like 8 inches away from it (on the other side of the cushion, that is). Needless to say, I grabbed the cat by the tail, cut its head off, fried it in a pan, and served it to a homeless man. That is all cats are good for. Feeding the hungry.
There are probably more reasons too. Cats are for losers. If you like cats, you should be shot in the face. It's that simple. If anyone else ever tells me that cats are "the cleanest animals" then I am going to take a shit on their face and ask them if they think that's clean too. Because that's what having a cat in your home smells like. They can't guard your house, can't do tricks, can't do anything. That's why dogs will always be superior to cats. My dog eats cats all the time, and I just watch and laugh and then watch the videotape later.
God I hate cats. And if you like them, then I hate you too.
Cats are smelly, hairy, disgusting, slovenly animals who are mostly ill-tempered. What do cats do?
1. They jump on counters, eating food they aren't supposed to eat, then vomit everywhere. Needless to say, they do not clean it up (so much for cats being a "clean animal").
2. Their piss smells like the worst hangover pee you ever had, multiplied by 20. It's like straight up ammonia. And they pee everywhere... people have had to get rid of furniture because there was so much cat piss on it. And you can't wash it out, it smells THAT BAD. If a cat pisses on something, you might as well burn the fucking thing, even if it's a kid. Its worse than a skunk spray.
3. They are sloppy eaters, and leave their shitty smelling food all over the place becuase they are unable to put it all in their fucking mouths for some reason. It always smells like tuna, only after being left out in the sun for three weeks. In fact, let me say right here and now that cats are probably the most offensive housebroken animal on earth to someone with a decent sense of smell.
4. They shed like people in the South inbreed... which is to say constantly. They leave clumps of shitty hair everywhere they lay, which is on every chair, bed, and square inch of carpet in the house.
5. They always lay on my shoes when I'm at my girlfriend's house for some reason (not sure if this is common or not). I hate cats. I am allergic to cats. When I go to retrieve my shoes, the little fuckers hiss at me like I'm attempting to spay them. Fuck you, you shit-eating fuckwads! They're my shoes! If you hate me so much, get the fuck off of them!
6. Whenever a door is closed off to them, they automatically want in. They will paw and meow incessantly until you open the door and let them in, or until you beat them with a rolling pin like I do. And they make the most annoying noises you could possibly imagine. It sounds like a live Ashlee Simpson performance. And even SHE doesn't smell as bad as most cats do.
7. They have a knack for ending up where they're not supposed to be, like stuck inside the framework of a couch or under the hood of a car. Then people are supposed to expend valuable time and effort to retrieve them? No. If cats are so smart, they wouldn't go in there in the first place. I say leave the shitheads in there until they starve to death. A cat was stuck in my girlfriend's couch the other night, and the little fucker was in there so long that it took a shit under the cushion (it was a foldout sleeper sofa). A shit! A piss is one thing, but a shit? That is nasty. I was sitting like 8 inches away from it (on the other side of the cushion, that is). Needless to say, I grabbed the cat by the tail, cut its head off, fried it in a pan, and served it to a homeless man. That is all cats are good for. Feeding the hungry.
There are probably more reasons too. Cats are for losers. If you like cats, you should be shot in the face. It's that simple. If anyone else ever tells me that cats are "the cleanest animals" then I am going to take a shit on their face and ask them if they think that's clean too. Because that's what having a cat in your home smells like. They can't guard your house, can't do tricks, can't do anything. That's why dogs will always be superior to cats. My dog eats cats all the time, and I just watch and laugh and then watch the videotape later.
God I hate cats. And if you like them, then I hate you too.
posted by guru at 9:14 PM
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