The worst kind of people
Actually, all people are the worst. People are awful. But certain kinds of people that you run into on a daily basis really push my buttons and nearly push me to bludgeon them with a blunt object.
PEOPLE WHO SING ALONG WITH SONGS: This can be broken down into two main categories. First, you have "person who sings loudly along because he/she thinks that people will be impressed by knowledge of said song". Then you have "person who sings along with song, and when he/she does not know the words, switches to incoherently mumbling in order to mask the fact that they do not know the words". Both are horrible and should be banned from listening to the radio or CD's forever.
PEOPLE WHO DRIVE EXACTLY THE SPEED LIMIT (OR SLOWER): This always happens when you have somewhere to be. You get caught behind some dickless fag who thinks it's pushing the envelope to go 47 in a 45 zone. Or some old fuck who can't read the speed limit signs and goes 35, just to be safe, no matter where you are.
PEOPLE WHO CLIP THEIR CELL PHONES ON THEIR BELTS: Mostly middle-aged men. Yeah, we see you have a cell phone, asshole. You and about every other motherfucker on earth. No one cares. Is it really that much trouble to put the fucking thing in your pocket?
PEOPLE WITH SPINNING RIMS ON CARS: Unless you're a rapper (and even then, they're getting kind of played out) you look like a fucking dumbass. Especially if you have them on a Mitsubishi Eclipse or Jeep Wrangler. Basically, if you drive an Eclipse, you're a fucking tool and you probably have a small dick too.
PEOPLE WHO STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF AISLES: Why in the middle? An aisle at a store should be like a road; one lane for each direction. If you're in the middle, you should be arrested for shopping under the influence of being a fucking jerk. If you block me at the store, I usually meet you with a swift kick to the teeth.
PEOPLE WHO OWN CATS: Already covered why.
PEOPLE WHO REFER TO SPORTS TEAMS BY SAYING "WE": As in, "if Michael Jordan didn't retire in 1994 and 1995, we would have won eight straight titles." No you wouldn't have, the Bulls would have. Unless the person saying that happens to be Scottie Pippen, shut the fuck up. Just because you own a "lucky" shirt with shit stains all over it bearing your favorite team's logo doesn't not make you an honorary member. Sports teams are expensive. Douchebags who say "we" can never afford them, unless the teams always suck like the New York Knicks, or the Chicago Bears. Anybody can be on those teams.
PEOPLE WHO SAY, "I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT...": Guess what? I hate that you hate to say it too. What I hate even more is that you're going to say it anyway. Save me the trouble of taking out your knees with a tire iron and go with your first instinct - keep your mouth closed.
PEOPLE WHO LAUGH AT COMMERCIALS: Commercials are totally lame. Even ones that are supposed to be funny are old after one viewing. That's why inventions like TiVO are so popular, because no one wants to see shitty commercials. So stop playing into the adverstiser's hands, you corporate shills.
PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING FAT: If you don't like the way you look, go on a diet. I hate when people say "my diets never work". That's becuase you're a lazy slob and gave up on it after 4 days. If you stick with something longer then 96 hours, maybe you'll get some results. A good way to start is to cut out the constant dining at shitty places like McDonald's because you "don't have enough time for dinner". Shut up, fatty. If someone really wants to lose weight, the only reason they won't is because they are lazy and stupid.
PEOPLE WHO "ARE COMFORTABLE THE WAY THEY ARE": No you aren't. You're fat and you know it. Go on a diet already, you fat piece of shit. Stop trying to force lies down my throat. You're not "plus sized and loving it" or whatever, you're a fat disgusting abomination. Knock it off, you're teaching kids that its alright to be fat as long as you accept it. Real nice lesson, you fucking lard-asses.
PEOPLE WHO ARE REVERSE RACISTS: Meaning, people who cheer for "Black History Month" but would probably protest "White History Month" because "every month is White History Month". No it isn't, and you're an idiot for saying something that fucking ignorant. Just deal with whatever race you are and stop bitching about it. You all sound like a bunch of fucking women. Sure, there is still plenty of racism in the world. It is unfortunate. However, it cheapens the plight of people who are real victims of real racism to play the race card when "your coffee isn't as hot as the white man's coffee" or whatever the fuck. Just stop your bitching already. Quit blaming everyone else for your problems all the time and grow the fuck up.
God, do I hate people. Especially you, you fucking tool.
PEOPLE WHO SING ALONG WITH SONGS: This can be broken down into two main categories. First, you have "person who sings loudly along because he/she thinks that people will be impressed by knowledge of said song". Then you have "person who sings along with song, and when he/she does not know the words, switches to incoherently mumbling in order to mask the fact that they do not know the words". Both are horrible and should be banned from listening to the radio or CD's forever.
PEOPLE WHO DRIVE EXACTLY THE SPEED LIMIT (OR SLOWER): This always happens when you have somewhere to be. You get caught behind some dickless fag who thinks it's pushing the envelope to go 47 in a 45 zone. Or some old fuck who can't read the speed limit signs and goes 35, just to be safe, no matter where you are.
PEOPLE WHO CLIP THEIR CELL PHONES ON THEIR BELTS: Mostly middle-aged men. Yeah, we see you have a cell phone, asshole. You and about every other motherfucker on earth. No one cares. Is it really that much trouble to put the fucking thing in your pocket?
PEOPLE WITH SPINNING RIMS ON CARS: Unless you're a rapper (and even then, they're getting kind of played out) you look like a fucking dumbass. Especially if you have them on a Mitsubishi Eclipse or Jeep Wrangler. Basically, if you drive an Eclipse, you're a fucking tool and you probably have a small dick too.
PEOPLE WHO STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF AISLES: Why in the middle? An aisle at a store should be like a road; one lane for each direction. If you're in the middle, you should be arrested for shopping under the influence of being a fucking jerk. If you block me at the store, I usually meet you with a swift kick to the teeth.
PEOPLE WHO OWN CATS: Already covered why.
PEOPLE WHO REFER TO SPORTS TEAMS BY SAYING "WE": As in, "if Michael Jordan didn't retire in 1994 and 1995, we would have won eight straight titles." No you wouldn't have, the Bulls would have. Unless the person saying that happens to be Scottie Pippen, shut the fuck up. Just because you own a "lucky" shirt with shit stains all over it bearing your favorite team's logo doesn't not make you an honorary member. Sports teams are expensive. Douchebags who say "we" can never afford them, unless the teams always suck like the New York Knicks, or the Chicago Bears. Anybody can be on those teams.
PEOPLE WHO SAY, "I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT...": Guess what? I hate that you hate to say it too. What I hate even more is that you're going to say it anyway. Save me the trouble of taking out your knees with a tire iron and go with your first instinct - keep your mouth closed.
PEOPLE WHO LAUGH AT COMMERCIALS: Commercials are totally lame. Even ones that are supposed to be funny are old after one viewing. That's why inventions like TiVO are so popular, because no one wants to see shitty commercials. So stop playing into the adverstiser's hands, you corporate shills.
PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING FAT: If you don't like the way you look, go on a diet. I hate when people say "my diets never work". That's becuase you're a lazy slob and gave up on it after 4 days. If you stick with something longer then 96 hours, maybe you'll get some results. A good way to start is to cut out the constant dining at shitty places like McDonald's because you "don't have enough time for dinner". Shut up, fatty. If someone really wants to lose weight, the only reason they won't is because they are lazy and stupid.
PEOPLE WHO "ARE COMFORTABLE THE WAY THEY ARE": No you aren't. You're fat and you know it. Go on a diet already, you fat piece of shit. Stop trying to force lies down my throat. You're not "plus sized and loving it" or whatever, you're a fat disgusting abomination. Knock it off, you're teaching kids that its alright to be fat as long as you accept it. Real nice lesson, you fucking lard-asses.
PEOPLE WHO ARE REVERSE RACISTS: Meaning, people who cheer for "Black History Month" but would probably protest "White History Month" because "every month is White History Month". No it isn't, and you're an idiot for saying something that fucking ignorant. Just deal with whatever race you are and stop bitching about it. You all sound like a bunch of fucking women. Sure, there is still plenty of racism in the world. It is unfortunate. However, it cheapens the plight of people who are real victims of real racism to play the race card when "your coffee isn't as hot as the white man's coffee" or whatever the fuck. Just stop your bitching already. Quit blaming everyone else for your problems all the time and grow the fuck up.
God, do I hate people. Especially you, you fucking tool.
posted by guru at 4:26 PM
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