Stop it, fatty

Jennifer Love Hewitt. Remember her? She used to look like this?



Yeah, well, those days are over, I guess. I mean, look at that. That is one finely manicured and quite supple buttocks. That thing is nice. I want to be friends with it. And it wasn't even her best feature.... but I digress. Since everyone saw her at the beach looking like this,



she is all up in arms and defending herself against mean assholes like me who say she looks fat. To which I say: what, are you fucking serious? She says:

I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image.

No you aren't, Jennifer. You're upset for you. "All the girls out there" didn't have their mammoth, dimply asses famously photographed in a bikini. You did.

A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful.

I totally agree, baby. A size 2 isn't fat. And being thin doesn't mean that you will be attractive. But you were both. And you had (still do, I guess) huge titties! Hey, remember when your ass looked like this?



It doesn't anymore. You're not a fucking size two! Marissa fucking Miller is a size two, and her ass is physically unable to get as large as yours currently is. You must think everyone forgot about how fat your ass was. We didn't. It is haunting my dreams.

What I should be doing is celebrating some of the best days of my life and my engagement to the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with photographers taking invasive pictures from bad angles.

First, he's a tool, so nice going. Seeing as how HE is the "man of your dreams" makes me think that I did have a shot after all. Second, those pictures may be invasive, but the angles aren't bad. What's bad about a straight shot from behind? It looks good most of the time on a hot ass woman, but there is one caveat: your ass can not be gigantically fat. Remember this? It isn't even that old.



That's a nice fat ass. It looks good. It's all like, BAM!

I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family.

So does everyone else, because we all have "eyes" that let us "see" things. You looked like this as recently as a few days ago.



I doubt much has changed since then. But hey, remember when your ass looked like this?



That's not really fair, because you look really young in that picture. Your ass almost looks kind of small. But the point stands. You used to be really, really, really, really hot.

And like all women out there should, I love my body.
To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini -- put it on and stay strong.

Or better yet, don't. Try diet and exercise. It works, I swear! Maybe you can look like this again with a little work:


Right there is as fat as your ass should ever get. It's round, and generally looks awesome. It is kind of plump, but that's not bad. This

is bad. It's horrible. To me, this was like finding out Santa isn't real, only much, much worse. First Britney is tubby and ugly, now JLH, what's next? If Jessica Alba gets fat, I'm going to be fucking furious. I also like how Jennifer, who is basically famous for having large breasts, is upset when negative attention is payed to another body part. YOU'RE FAMOUS FOR BEING HOT!

I'm sick and fucking tired of people who are fat, or heavy or whatever trying to champion that look as if it's something to be proud of. It isn't. Besides being unappealing, its unhealthy to be fat. Why does no one ever say this? So Oprah, and Tyra Banks, and Jennifer, and Mo'Nique, and all the rest of you "real women with real curves" (translation: fatties who are lazy) why don't you all just go on a hunger strike for a while. If you aren't fat, people won't call you fat. It's not rocket science.