Oh no! Anything but that!

Please, no! Lindsay, be reasonable! America would be devastated if you left! What would we do if we no longer had Lindsay Lohan? It would be anarchy!

The economy would crumble! The government would be ripe for an overthrow! We wouldn't get more flawless cinematic masterpieces like "Just My Luck" or "Herbie Fully Loaded"!

No one can match your impeccable singing and acting talents! No one can replace your timeless beauty! No one person can match your humanitarian efforts! How are we supposed to live without your classy and dignified behavior? It's not fair!

Seriously though, go. Leave, and never come back. England, Egypt, Ethiopia - just go. No one cares. No one likes you. No one wants to see your ravaged vagina anymore. No one wants to see you acting like a wobbly whore anymore. No one cares what a sickly, freckled skeleton does with all her money. No one cares how much coke you snort, how much booze you drink, or how much cock you suck. Just leave. And take Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie with you. I know, I know, you all hate each other, but again - no one gives a fuck. Just shut up and leave, because you are completely ruining an entire generation of females with your disgusting and whorish behavior.

NO. ONE. LIKES. YOU.