Artists who should die, part 3

Jordin Sparks: Sorry, maybe you seem nice or whatever, but you suck and were on American Idol, which means I genetically want to murder you. Also, is planet Earth were re-titled "Gigantic Girl Island" your album would be the "Thriller" of 2007. Alas, it is not, so you will have to settle for being the gigantic girl with poor record sales and way too many fucking teeth.

matchbox twenty: Really? It's really you? I feel like someone who has just been reunited with his long lost brother, only his long lost brother was a horribly overrated mid nineties wack-ass rock group. Rob Thomas? You ruined my NBA playoffs two years ago, and when I see you, I'll put you out for being such a fag. How'd that solo career go? Ouch. Sorry about that. That's what you get for teaming up with Postmaster General Santana. Anyone heard from Michelle Branch lately?

Lil' Wayne: Everyone on Earth is giving you credit for your mixtape prolificness, and for your witty lyrics, but I fear you have bought into your own shit. You actually kind of suck. Your lyrics are wack. I thought you were going to be awesome. I downloaded "Da Drought III" and it was filled with wack-ass lyrics to wack-ass songs. You tried to be T.I; you thought you could be number one in rap by default. But actually, you suck. That's why no one ever mentions your own solo songs. They might mention your shitty guest verses (I don't give shit how much money you get for them; you're probably lying and if I could take a shit in someone's kitchen for $75,000, I would totally do it, so suck my cock, you ass-rammer) but in reality you are like the 48th best rapper alive. Ouch. That's quite a demotion. Unless you consider that your "best rapper alive" moniker was self appointed. Tough shit, asshole.

Natasha Bedingfield: Your brother is a fag. You suck, unless you are willing to let me touch your bulbous ass. That thing is really quote enormous. I'd smack the shit out of it. Otherwise, you're just an ugly, untalented piece of crap. And teaming with Sean Kingston? What is it, May? That asshole is living in a cardboard box by now.

DJ Khaled: I hated your guts, your lack of talent and ability, until I saw you on MTV Cribs. It was sad. Your house was wack. You ran your hands from high to low on your piano, followed by an akward silence, followed by.... "WE THE BEST!" You really believe that. It is sad. The best at what? Eating White Castles? You put your name on something that you had almost nothing to do with, and act like you're a hip hop superstar. You're a joke. Wu-Tang probably laugh at you. Jay-Z and Nas probably laugh at you. Dre probably laughs at you. You can't rap, you can't produce, and yet here your name is. You make Timbaland look talented. For that, you deserve a small exhibit at the arts and sciences museum.

Until then, please die.

Just a Quick Reminder

I don't hate "The Sports Guy" Bill Simmons. I find him mildly amusing, and I almost always read his stuff. But, just like anyone else, his homerism is annoying. I fucking hate homers. Tom Jackson picking the Broncos every single week, anyone? How about how that anklegrabber Ditka always has a rationale for choosing the Bears, a team whose best player is their kick returner? Not good, fellas. I call foul.

But Simmons may be the most famous homer of all. And it's not like he doesn't have the right to be, I guess, seeing as how The Patriots are... well whatever, the Celtics look for real (though I worry that they may burn out), and the Red Sox just won the WS. Again. It's a great time to be alive in Boston. The rest of us? Not so much. From old windy Bill's latest, a strange column that served as a letter to himself 25 years ago (don't ask, I think it was all a premise to make fun of Dane Cook):

So that's all you need to know in Part 1. I'll shoot you another e-mail next week to prepare you for what happened in Boston sports since 1982. Here's a hint: the Red Sox turned the tables on the Yankees; Pat Patriot and the Garden were brutally murdered; the Celtics have cheerleaders; Fenway Park has Monster seats; the Patriots evolved into the most successful and despised football team of the decade, there was an eight-week stretch of Sports Illustrateds this fall in which a Boston team appeared on the cover six times; and a guy behind the counter in a hardware store noticed your Boston shirt last week and said, "I hate Boston, you guys win everything."

Most of this is harmless. Who cares about Pat Patriot and the Monster seats; Celtics have cheerleaders? Yawn; SI streak? No one cares about SI anymore; everyone always hates Boston, nothing new to report there; wait, what?

the Red Sox turned the tables on the Yankees

Ahem. Look. They won the 2004 ALCS. Congratulations. You won the World Series in 2004 and 2007. But "turned the tables"? That's a bit strong, isn't it? The Yankees have dominated the Red Sox for like 700 years until recently, and it isn't as if the Yankees have been out of the hunt during that time.

Boston Red Sox, 2004 - 2007: 375 wins, 273 losses. 3,543 runs scored, 3,056 runs allowed.
New York Yankees, 04-07: 387 wins, 261 losses. 3,680 runs scored, 3,131 runs allowed.

BOS: .579 win percentage, +487 run differential.
NYY: .597 win percentage, +549 run differential.

And I know, I know, "World Series Titles for Boston: 2. Yankees: 0." Right. Awesome, except that is based on like 20 games over the last four years, where the above data is based on 648. And if I hear someone else say "the playoffs are the only time it matters," one more time, I'm going to choke them to death. Also, the World Title discrepancy was like 2 million to three in favor of New York before 2004, and I bet the win percentage, run differentials, team ERAs, and whatever other stat you want to use would be equally lopsided.

And I know that part of saying that they've "turned the tables" is the long suffering Boston sports fan in him; the part that isn't using to being able to celebrate anything, much less gloat about it. And part of me understands that. But the other part thinks that saying something so stupid and smug is exactly the reason that the rest of the continental United States would pretend not to notice if a violent earthquake tore Massachusetts away from the eastern seaboard.

No, Bill Simmons. You are wrong.

Also, I hope Tom Brady breaks his leg, and angrily throws his helmet towards the sidelines in a moment of frustration and adrenaline, and the helmet strikes Belichick in the face and he dies.

Oops. I said the quiet part loud, and the loud part quiet.

I keep telling you, they DO have other uses besides cooking and cleaning!

A lot of people give me shit all the time about how I hate women. That is untrue. I love women, for the most part. They can be fucking infuriating sometimes, but it's wrong to say that I just hate all women. I hate blanket statements anyway. Here are ten women I love, and why, in no particular order.

Christina Milian


I don't think she gets enough recognition is all. Why do I love her? Look at her. Her body is amazing. Sure, she sucks as a singer, and isn't much as an actress either, but she looks like that and she always seems to be sweet as well. Maybe she's a total bitch, but like I said, she can't act that well so I doubt it. She does lose a couple of points for banging Nick "biggest douche in the universe" Cannon, but I can let that slide. She is a hot little number.

Leticia Cline


Leticia here is a model at bike shows or some crap. Apparently, she really likes motorcycles. I know, who cares, right? I love Leticia because I heard her on Howard Stern the other day, and she came off as really slutty (even though she claimed to have only been banged by 3 guys, which I fucking doubt). She said she likes rough sex and sex in cars and movie theaters, even giving blowjobs ("it's the ultimate power", she said. I would gladly give her some ultimate power in her mouth) and shit. The good news is she isn't a prude. The bad news is she's obviously pretty stupid. But that doesn't matter when a girl looks like her, and she knows it. You know when you really want to have sex with a hot or pretty hot girl, and you finally get the chance, but the actual sex is kind of disappointing? I mean, it's still sex, but you kind of expected something special because you built up a fine-ass chick in your mind? With Leticia, I would almost guarantee that that would not happen. She looks like she fucks like she means it. And that is as good a reason as any to love her. Also, she has a kid, which sucks, but her body still looks like that, which is awesome.

Marisa Miller


Marisa is a great woman. She is the type of woman that makes me extremely happy I'm not gay. Just cranking one out to Marisa feels like an accomplishment. I once told a friend of mine while perusing the SI Swimsuit issue that women like Marisa (as if there are more than one, her body is that fucking sick. I mean, look at her tits! They're fucking huge! And what, does she do like a million sit-ups a day! Unreal) are the reason that normal women get eating disorders and feel insecure. She's also the reason that relatively hot chicks are insecure because compared to Marisa, "relatively hot" means jack shit. Therefore, said relatively hot chicks are easier to talk into having sex with me. So there you have it. Marisa Miller: American Hero.

Hayden Panettiere


You're just going to have to trust me that that is Hayden. It is, I swear! Hayden kind of looks like a troll sometimes, and her head looks huge on her because she's so small, but I still love her. Why? Because she has a great little bubble ass. Look at it! It looks great, huh? It's not tiny, but not huge. It has just the right amount of meat on it for her frame. Her ass, and the fact that she has no problem wearing tight ass jeans and getting her ass photographed, is why I love Hayden.

Beyonce Knowles


Beyonce is kind of annoying. She's EVERYWHERE, all the time. Music, movies, award shows,commercials, whatever. You can't go two days without seeing or hearing her. However, she is very pretty, seems to be sweet and humble, and has a great body. Nice tits, nice hips, and her huge ass is awesome. I don't always like huge asses like Beyonce's, but it fits her extremely well. She just needs to watch it so she doesn't get all fat and shit. So, in conclusion, I love Beyonce because she is hot and has a huge ass. And maybe she's talented or something, who cares. She's also with Jay-Z, who is ass ugly, but an awesome rapper. Bonus points.

Gemma Atkinson


I love her for two reasons. No, not her left and right breasts, though that would work. One reason is yes, she has huge boobs. Tremendously huge. And she knows that that's why she's relevant. And she likes showing off. The other reason, and this is going to sound gay, is her eyes. She has the most amazing eyes I've ever seen. They make me feel that all is right in the world, and that Israel and Palestine will eventually settle their differences, and that Grey's Anatomy will soon be cancelled, and that some day, some sportswriter will admit that Alex Rodriguez is actually awesome. Gemma Atkinson gives me hope. And, she has giant boobs.

Jenn Sterger


Jenn is famous (not really, sort of semi-famous, like the girl who showed up at the Saints / Eagles playoff game last year with the elegant and classy "Fuck Da Eagles" shirt) for being spotted at a Florida State football game looking hot. That's it. It's beside the point that FSU sucks balls. She doesn't seem to be good at anything, but she's really hot, and has really nice tits. She's one of those girls who is really hot, and also aware that she is really hot, which is alternatingly annoying and awesome. It's kind of nice to see a girl who basically says, "I'm fucking hot. Pay attention to me." It's honest, at least, which is kind of refreshing. Those low cut tank tops and tube tops and halter tops are the most honest shirts that a girl with an awesome rack like Jenn can wear. She didn't get implants to wear turtleneck sweaters, people. Also, she seems to be a big sports fan, which is kind of cool. Although her sport of choice is football, which is about as brainless as it gets, but still. It's a start.

Lauren Graham


Lauren Graham is an inspiration. That woman is 40 years old, and look at her ass. Granted, that picture is probably a couple years old, but still. I know 21 year olds whose asses don't look nearly that good. And I am willing to watch Gilmore Girls, which is an annoying, unnecessary, stupid show, just to see her 40 year old ass. It is amazing. That's it, really. She actually comes across as kind of funny on talk shows too, which means she actually has a sense of humor! A woman, with a sense of humor, and a perfect ass who is 40? If not for Lauren Graham, I would tell you that such a woman could not possibly exist. Thank you, Lauren. I love you.

Jennifer Nicole Lee


There are obvious reasons to love Jennifer. Her rack, her amazing muscle tone, the fact that she's drop dead fucking gorgeous. But the most pressing reason to love her is that she is a mother. Not because of any circle of life bullshit, but she's 32 and a mother and she looks like that. She was a dumpy housewife at one time, all flabby and depressed and dead inside. And instead of just bitching about how fat she was while munching on a Butter Burger from Culver's, she decided to start working out. And she kept doing it. And now she is hot, and awesome, and probably rich. She is also a sort of famous fitness model who started a company of some kind based on the fact that she can whip out of shape fatties into hotties like her. I love her because of her amazing body, but also her commitment. In an age where everyone wants an easy fix to fitness, Jennifer actually accomplished being hot as fuck the only actual way there is: diet and exercise. She should be hoisted on our shoulders.

Halle Berry


Everyone with eyes and a functional frontal lobe thinks Halle Berry is beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, whatever. And that's reason enough to love her. Pure, simple, genetic excellence. Halle Berry is better than you, if you are female. The end. Look at that picture of her. It's like a month old. Halle Berry is 41 and fucking PREGNANT and she still looks like that. Seriously. I've never said I would fuck the shit out of a pregnant woman before, but I would seriously fuck the shit out of Halle Berry. For real. She looks better old and pregnant than 19 year olds do. If Halle Berry ran for President, I would so vote for her. Assuming I vote at all, which I don't, but...anyway. Halle Berry is about as perfect of a female specimen as mankind is likely to encounter. Halle, you're the best. Not actress, you're just indescribably hot. So thank you.

More some other time. I'm fucking tired.

What the FUCK?

Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer. What has become of your once perfect physique?


Your ass is fucking HUGE. That is a giant ass, and I hate when people try to say "at least she's healthy" or whatever. That is a bonafide massive ass. Massive, I say.

I remember it like it was yesterday. "I Know What You Did Last Summer". It was 1997. I was almost 15. And when I saw your beautiful, bouncing breasts on your very slight frame, I suddenly knew what the word love meant. You were my first love, Jennifer. You made a career being the cute girl with the giant rack. It worked for you in "Heartbreakers", "The Suburbans", "The Tuxedo", and "Can't Hardly Wait".

Now you have a show, "Ghost Whisperer". I don't really watch it, but I see pictures of you on it. You still look good on there. Your tits are still enormous, bigger than ever. Your ass seemed to have gotten a little bit meatier, but I was all for that too. I like a little junk back there. It just means you're built for comfort, that's all. But this?


This might be pushing it. Don't get me wrong, I would still wreck you in the sack. I don't even think it looks too awful, really. But you're a famous actress. You are supposed to be hot. Really, really hot. And this isn't so much a plea for you to be all skinny again, just to not get any fatter. Because you're kind of stretching the bounds of good taste. When I crank one out to you, I don't really want to reminded that my ex had an ass that was only slightly fatter and more unpalatable than that. And it was only like that is because she had a kid, and THEN her ass got all fat. So could you hit the gym once in a while, maybe? That would be super. By the way, your tits still look pretty awesome.

R.I.P.

Rest in peace to Sean Taylor, the Pro Bowl safety of the Washington Redskins. He was fucking 24. This is depressing to me. The world lost one bad motherfucker today.

R.I.P. Boom King.

An open letter to my ex girlfriend

Yes, this is going to sound bitter and one sided. But, trust me, this cunt has it coming.

Dear stupid cunt,

Allow me to be the voice of reason, since you have the IQ of a potato. I was an asshole when we dated; I was insensitive, and I don't care about the feelings of others. You pointed it out, and you were actually right about it. However, the way you act like you are constantly RIGHT (factually correct) about everything is comical. Only a retard would think that they are never wrong.

Ooooh, your poor feelings were hurt? Poor baby! Tough shit. Who gives a shit about your birthday? And don't play like you weren't with me because I got money. Every sentence you ever said to me basically equated to, "buy me things!" Basically, (crude alert) the only reason I was ever nice to you at all after we broke up is because you let me cum in your mouth. That shit goes a long way, after all.

And this thing with you bringing up my best friend, who tragically died a month after his 21st birthday, to make me feel guilty... fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. What kind of person says that? My worst enemies know that talking about him to spite me is insensitive. Hitler wouldn't have brought that up even if JD was Jewish. I don't know why, but I expected more from you.

I am a funny motherfucker. I know you don't think so, because your idea of "funny" comes from "Friends" and "Sex & the City", but every other person thinks I am. I subscribe to the South Park school of comedy. That is, either everything is alright to make fun of, or nothing is. I don't get offended by jokes. I don't get offended by anything. I basically don't care. It makes me immune to criticism. It's one of my best qualities (or, one of my worst, depending on who you ask). However, I am sort of a hypocrite in this case. There is one thing that offends me.

If you make light of the death of a person who was like a brother to me; who I grew up with, went to preschool through college with, who was my best friend for 21 years, then I take offense. It just proves that you are a hateful, unintelligent bitch. You will say anything to make me upset. Ooooh, you went out to a bar and had fun, and took pictures with you vapid, punchable friends? I don't care. I'm shit faced like every night, and you don't see me taking stupid fucking pictures in dumb ass poses so I can tell everyone else how kick-ass I am.

Your moron kid doesn't remember me anymore? Don't care. (I hope she remembers her dad though, he's a real winner.)

So, you bring up the one thing that is guaranteed to make me fucking furious, and then act like you didn't do anything wrong. You're a bitch. A hateful, unintelligent bitch. And you're not just the regular kind of stupid; you're the worst kind. The kind that is stupid, but doesn't think they're stupid. The kind that votes for George Bush twice. The kind that has a limited vocabulary, but still tries to use big words, only they misuse or mispronounce them. The kind that after you correct them, they always, ALWAYS say, "Oh yeah. I knew that!"

And even better! You won't apologize! Shocking! You've never apologized for anything in your life, because nothing is your fault, it's always someone else's. Know what? I think you know that the shit you said was wrong. I think you fucking know it, but won't apologize because you can't stand to be wrong. You're too used to being the victim. If you can't hold something over someone's head, you have nothing to talk about. This is why your friends, your own family, think you are a bitch. Your dad told me that he wanted to punch you once. It was when we were moving all your shitty furniture into your shitty apartment. He apologized to me, saying, "I know you love her..." or "I know she's your girlfriend", or something like that. It was because you were crying when your shitty entertainment center broke (the one I had to put together because you're fucking incompetent, and you stupidly threw away the assembly instructions) and he was mad that you were just crying and not helping to bring anything in. Maybe he didn't say "I want to punch her" in those exact words, but he said something like, "sometimes I just want to hit her...". Want to know what I said?

"I don't care. You can hit her if you want. She's your daughter."

So, keep being stupid. Keep thinking you matter. Keep thinking that because you have a shitty job, and a shitty apartment, and a shitty associates degree from a tech college, that your shit doesn't stink. Keep thinking that everyone but you is the source of your problems. I'm sure that'll work out well for you. And, judging from you angry and confusing reaction to the news that I am having casual sex with other females, I would guess that it's not working out well at all, and your vibrator is going through a lot of batteries. Eat shit. What did you think, that I would sit alone and cry about you for the rest of my life?

If I could boil down the differences between you and me, in a nutshell, it would read like this: I know I'm a fucked up, weird guy with some issues. But I'm also a smart, handsome, funny, charismatic guy who cooks, reads, and builds furniture in his free time. Contrast that with you: insecure, out of shape, stupid, filthy, unskilled, and you think that everything that happens to you is someone else's fault.

Maybe I have issues. But I don't go around claiming to be perfect. I know my shortcomings; I'm an insensitive asshole. You are completely unwilling and unable to admit any shortcomings that you have. And yes, that makes me better than you. Much, much better.

You're a hateful, stupid person. The last thing I read was "No Country for Old Men", an acclaimed book written by a person who many literary critics have claimed to be America's greatest living author. And the last thing you read was probably "US Weekly" so you could learn that "John Mayer is cheating on Jessica Simpson!! LOL". And then you went to post some stupid crap on your MySpace page about how you just want "to have the good things in life... don't hate on me... people always want to see you fall," or some shit. And your 36 MySpace friends sent you bulletins like "hang in there, beautiful!" or whatever. How fulfilling.

You're an idiot. But when you die alone, you'll probably realize that no one wanted to be with a girl who was so self important that they wanted everyone to adjust their life to her shitty schedule because you were saddled with a kid you didn't want.

Like I've said to you before. You want it to be one way. You want it to be one way... but it's the other way.

Fuck you.

Artists who should die, part 2

6. Kanye West - Sorry about your mom, but you're still a self-important asshole. As well as a C+ rapper, at best. But congrats for moving units out of spite for 50.

7. Baby Bash - Seriously? It's been like 6 years since anyone took you seriously. With that soft ass song about a girl being fly or some shit. You're a fucking pussy. You're also terrible. Nice perm, cockhog. Way to recycle an annoying Lil' Jon beat that's like 8 months old. You could have at least changed it up a little, you lazy, untalented asshole. Die soon.

8. Rihanna - You're fine, but lazy and awful. Just take your pants off and we'll be even. "Hate that I love you"? Ooooooooh, what a contradiction! This must be a serious song!

9. J. Holiday - How sad. Everyone else realizes that you're all done except you. Your second single sounds like an abortion with no structure, no chorus, no beat, and no point. You should have kept talking about putting sluts to bed. Even though that song sucked my dick. See you at Taco Bell, bitch. Nice neck tattoo, by the way. Faggot.

10. Fergie - How many singles can you legally release from one album? 400? I'll cut to the chase: you act like you are sexually attractive, bit in reality your face looks like a 40 year old man. No matter what the rest of you looks like, it can't make up for that. I'm sure that fag Josh Duhamel really enjoys massaging your prostate at night while you tell him about your hunting plans for the upcoming deer season. But on behalf of the rest of us, cover up, go away, and die. Go take some meth and piss yourself. Stop copying the already shitty Gwen Stefani.

It must be a pleasure for Josh to be all heated, and reach down your pants to find a big ass cock. You're fucking disgusting. Please go away.

11. The Dream - Your name is gay enough. Thanks for all the shitty songs where assholes keep repeating themselves. Real creative. You're a real artist, repeating the same meaningless bullshit over and over again. And the closest you've ever come to a "10" is on the internet, because you're a fat fucking fartknocker. Hot chicks don't like fags with bitch-tits. "You a teeeeen, ay, a teeeeeen...." on the annoying scale. It pleases me that you will be flat broke and homeless within the year. You deserve to be gang raped with a power sander for your negative influence on popular music. But go ahead, keep acting like you're an "artist", you ankle grabber. Enjoy the sodomy.

Artists who should die, part 1

Chris Brown: You're weak. You have high opinion of yourself, but in reality, you're like 6th on the generic R&B singer scale, behind Ne-Yo, Akon, Usher, and a few others. You're not offering anything new. You're not funny. You suck at singing. Die. No one cares that "you're back". How embarrassing for you.

Alicia Keys: Your last name isn't "Keys". Fucking stop it. We get it, you play the piano. How impressive. A hundred million assholes could play the piano like you, and scream into the mic like you about bullshit. You suck. You think you're all soulful, and street, but you actually suck balls. Also, your ass and legs are fat. And I don't mean attractively fat, I mean, "Jesus Christ, am I having sex with William 'Refrigerator' Perry" fat. Try a treadmill, you fat bitch.

Timbaland: Give it up. You'll never be Dr. Dre. The Doc is a FUCKING LEGEND. You would give both your legs to have "Nothin' But a G Thang" or "Dre Day" in your catalog, but all you actually got is shitty Magoo songs, and some Nelly Furtado (tell her I want to grab her ass) and Justin Timberlake (total fag) songs in you repertoire. Also, no one buys your shitty solo albums. Self esteem check!

Soulja Boy: You're the death of rap. I don't blame you, but you are the worst rapper ever. And I don't mean the worst rapper in the history of the world. I'm sure there are humans who have been worse rappers than you, but luckily for everyone, they didn't decide to become rappers. You're the worst rapper who ever became a rapper. I hate you, and I hope you get raped by an elephant. Die, please.

Colbie Caillat: I HATE Myspace. So die. You're ugly and generic and 20 years ago you would have been living in a dumpster next to Sean Kingston. Please die accordingly, fat whore. You have the most generic lyrics of all time. A quick barometer on how to tell if you are dealing with a fucking moron: ask them if they like the song "Bubbly". If they do, kill them. You'll be doing mankind a favor.