Dirk = great?

Look, I'm a Dirk Nowitzki fan at heart, I suppose. I remember in 1998, when the Bucks drafted him (I lived in Milwaukee at the time) and I said, "who the fuck is Dirk Nowitzki? Nice pick, you assholes."

When The Bucks traded him for the rights to the almighty Robert "Tractor" Traylor, it was pure awesome sauce. I mean, Traylor was a proven low post commodity at the time, and Dirk was a skinny German bitch with no inside game at a time when skinny 7 footers were not en vogue, to say nothing of the more recent trend of international draft picks. At the very least, it was a huge risk for Dallas. How'd that turn out?

Well, Traylor, besides being a fat piece of shit, is also a money laundering, drug dealer accomplisizng (not a word, tough shit) asshole. He is currently in jail, because he is a fat piece of shit who sucks at life.

Dirk, on the other hand, is the first European born NBA MVP (debate the merits of it all you want, he still won it. Personally, that award was Steve Nash's to win, and if not him, the LeBron, but I digress). He's a six time all star. And he forever changed how teams will scout overseas players in regards to the NBA game. When I was happy to trade him for Traylor, I was a 14 year old who had never even heard of international hoops. In other words, I wanted someone I had heard of.

Well, Dirk changed all that. He started the huge European influx of players, which is mostly good, besides the constant flopping (Ginobli and Oberto, you punk bitches, I'm looking right at you), and has lead to a lot of changes in the basketball landscape.

I mean, look at the NBA in 1998. The Bulls had just finished up 6 out of 8 with MJ at the helm. The dark shadow of the San Antonio "dynasty" loomed boringly up ahead. Lebron James was 14. Michael Olowokandi (who?) was the top pick in the entire draft. It was clearly a different time.

But tonight, The Mavericks were playing the Clippers. The announcers were talking about how Dirk's numbers were down this year, the year after he won the MVP, and that maybe it was an effect of being ousted in the first round of last year's playoffs despite having a 67-15 record. One of the announcers said, "he's having a great year, as far as assists are concerned."

D. Nowitzki, 2007, APG: 4.0. He's 40th in the NBA. Jeff McInnis, Brevin Knight, Steve Blake, and Earl Watson are among the no-name assholes beating his "great" 4.0 per game. Now, it isn't bad for a PF, but the fact remains that his team is underachieving, and his numbers are down. Prepare for the very real fact that this is not a coincidence.

Women I Love:Kim

I love Kim Kardashian. I love her because she is a total whore, and totally shameless.



WHAM!!!! Look at that ass! That ass, fake , or not fake, padded or whatever, is stunning! That is what is worth seeing a shitty celebrity sex tape for (note- I never saw it). Look at the size of that thing. Look at the size of her. Look at her tits. Kim is a fucking hero. I would slap that ass and ram her doggystyle for like nine hours. Maybe ten.



Holy shit! Is that real? Her ass is huge! That's really all I have to say. And unlike huge asses from the past, her ass looks the same all the time! So, not only is she slutty and dumb, but her ass and her tits look like that? She looks like some hot-ass princess Jasmine come to life, but with a much more gigantic and awesome ass.



That's all you need to know about Kim. That is how an ass is supposed to look. Of course, that is assuming that you aren't fat and have huge tits like Kim does.



See? Those are the tits I was talking about! Those things are huge. To whit:



this is a good shot of what her ass and her tits look like. Nothing wrong with that. I would fuck her until my penis was sore.







My Kim is a master of what I like to call the three quarters turn. You know, enough to see the depth and size of her awesome ass. See photo evidence.



Skin-tight workout pants? Yes please.

Kim Kardashian, I fucking love you. Let me do you, in the mouth, in the ass, whatever.

Stop it, fatty

Jennifer Love Hewitt. Remember her? She used to look like this?



Yeah, well, those days are over, I guess. I mean, look at that. That is one finely manicured and quite supple buttocks. That thing is nice. I want to be friends with it. And it wasn't even her best feature.... but I digress. Since everyone saw her at the beach looking like this,



she is all up in arms and defending herself against mean assholes like me who say she looks fat. To which I say: what, are you fucking serious? She says:

I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image.

No you aren't, Jennifer. You're upset for you. "All the girls out there" didn't have their mammoth, dimply asses famously photographed in a bikini. You did.

A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful.

I totally agree, baby. A size 2 isn't fat. And being thin doesn't mean that you will be attractive. But you were both. And you had (still do, I guess) huge titties! Hey, remember when your ass looked like this?



It doesn't anymore. You're not a fucking size two! Marissa fucking Miller is a size two, and her ass is physically unable to get as large as yours currently is. You must think everyone forgot about how fat your ass was. We didn't. It is haunting my dreams.

What I should be doing is celebrating some of the best days of my life and my engagement to the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with photographers taking invasive pictures from bad angles.

First, he's a tool, so nice going. Seeing as how HE is the "man of your dreams" makes me think that I did have a shot after all. Second, those pictures may be invasive, but the angles aren't bad. What's bad about a straight shot from behind? It looks good most of the time on a hot ass woman, but there is one caveat: your ass can not be gigantically fat. Remember this? It isn't even that old.



That's a nice fat ass. It looks good. It's all like, BAM!

I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family.

So does everyone else, because we all have "eyes" that let us "see" things. You looked like this as recently as a few days ago.



I doubt much has changed since then. But hey, remember when your ass looked like this?



That's not really fair, because you look really young in that picture. Your ass almost looks kind of small. But the point stands. You used to be really, really, really, really hot.

And like all women out there should, I love my body.
To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini -- put it on and stay strong.

Or better yet, don't. Try diet and exercise. It works, I swear! Maybe you can look like this again with a little work:


Right there is as fat as your ass should ever get. It's round, and generally looks awesome. It is kind of plump, but that's not bad. This

is bad. It's horrible. To me, this was like finding out Santa isn't real, only much, much worse. First Britney is tubby and ugly, now JLH, what's next? If Jessica Alba gets fat, I'm going to be fucking furious. I also like how Jennifer, who is basically famous for having large breasts, is upset when negative attention is payed to another body part. YOU'RE FAMOUS FOR BEING HOT!

I'm sick and fucking tired of people who are fat, or heavy or whatever trying to champion that look as if it's something to be proud of. It isn't. Besides being unappealing, its unhealthy to be fat. Why does no one ever say this? So Oprah, and Tyra Banks, and Jennifer, and Mo'Nique, and all the rest of you "real women with real curves" (translation: fatties who are lazy) why don't you all just go on a hunger strike for a while. If you aren't fat, people won't call you fat. It's not rocket science.

Hank, you're so awesome!

Dear Hank Steinbrenner,

First off, awesome name. Seriously, Hank? You must get mad pussy. Second, nice job being a hard-ass. I mean, no one believes you, and everyone secretly laughs at you, but it's the effort that counts. Your hard-ass deadline was pure awesome when you said it to the best player in baseball (even though you recanted and paid him anyway). It was fucking DOUBLE AWESOME when you said it to the best pitcher in the league. I mean, fuck him if he can't decide fast enough for you! Tough shit if there's other teams out there bidding on him as well! He should take your fucking offer! Doesn't he realize you work for the fucking YANKEES? Jesus H. Christ! He should take it if you offered him a hot dog and a used rubber! What an asshole!

So what if you alienated him. So what if you basically gave the Twins, and Santana's agent, all the reason they needed to send him to Boston. Big deal! It's not like their pitching staff will be any good with him anyway. The important thing is that you, Hank Henry Steinbrenner, come out of this looking tough. Because Yankees are tough. Even if it means being a fucking moron. Good for you, not being played against Boston - you tell 'em! That has never happened ever before, and now, because of you, it will never happen again. They'll probably put your face on the hundred dollar bill now. Probably. Fuck off, Ben Franklin! Hank is comin'!

(My fucking God you are a fuckfaced asshole, I hope you get ass cancer you worthless, brainless piece of shit. Why don't you just hand Boston the fucking championship next year, as if those assholes need any more reason to act like assholes. You are a stupid, ignorant moron. Jesus, I never thought that anyone could have been a bigger fuckup than your old man, but congrats! Enjoy second place for the next 8-10 years, douche.)

Sincerely,
everyone who cares about baseball

What a fucking shock!

The New England Patriots should have lost that game to the Baltimore Ravens (!). They had them beat, fourth and 1... timeout. Nice move, Billick, or whoever, I'm going to blame Billick because he thinks he's such a fucking genius, but he sucks. Why the fuck would you stop the clock there? Honestly? The only play they would call is the fucking quarterback sneak!!!! You stopped it! It was over! FUCK! BILLICK = FAIL.

And the refs. Awesome job on the non-existent holding play. Real classy. 98% of America groaned after that call. Why not just award them the fucking touchdown?

Props to Bart Scott, who is a huge meathead, but knows bullshit when he sees it. That shit was CORNY! One of the officials deserved to get brained with that flag. Fuck the penalty yards.

If you give a team as awesome as the Patriots like 200 chances, they will score a fucking touchdown. Every fan of professional football cried a little tonight.

And the worst part was shitty asshole Mike Tirico daring to give Tom Brady and the Patriots credit for their awesome comeback. That shit could not have been more orchestrated.

Booooooo-urns for the NFL. And boo-urns for the shit-eating, motherfucking Patriots.

I hate everyone from the New England area. Please die slowly of dysentery.