I HATE YOU ALL

And by that, I mean sportswriters.

You all suck. Please kill yourselves accordingly.

Enough about A-Rod already. We get it. The Yankees lost to the Tigers. Was it all A-Rod's fault? No. Jesus, anything can fucking happen in a five game series. I hate everyone who writes about his "post-season failures" and his "choking", but here are some numbers, which are much better than say, some douchebag's gut feeling based on 15 at bats.

ALEX RODRIGUEZ, CAREER:

464 HR / 1347 RsBI / .305 BA / .386 OBP / .573 SLG / 145 OPS+ / 8.01 RC/27

Oh. And by the way, the guy is 31 years old.

Show me another 31 year old with those fucking numbers. Oh wait, there is none. BECAUSE HE IS LIKELY THE EVENTUAL ALL TIME HOME RUN CHAMP AND MOST LIKELY THE GREATEST PLAYER OF THE LAST 20 YEARS. Also, he is an excellent defensive shortstop who is forced to play out of position by Derek Jeter, who everyone regards as the ultimate team player. If he was so team-oriented, he would admit that A-Rod was a better shortstop than him and agree to move to second base or something. But no, he is a "True Yankee".

You people are idiots. Just enjoy a player like Alex Rodriguez, you may never see another like him again. Get off his dick. I'm sick of talking about it, quite frankly. Fuck all you retarded sportswriters who shit all over him. You are idiots, and likely have an IQ of less than 80. If you cannot see A-Rod's greatness, than you seriously must be mentally challenged.

Fucking idiots.

False Advertising!

I have wanted to address this subject for some time now, as it is near and dear to my heart. One of my favorite things to talk about, think about, or look at - breasts.

Every straight male likes to look at, or handle, or talk about boobs. They are truly wonderful, and without them, a female essentially becomes useless (alright, so they still have a vagina, but rarely, if ever, do females wear clothing that accentuates that particular area). But I have one problem with boobs. Namely, why is a good pair so hard to find? And furthermore, why are women constantly wearing push up bras, padded shirts, waterbras, and so on, in order to give the impression that their rack is more robust than it really is? There is nothing worse than seeing a girl who looks like she has the goods, finally getting her shirt off, and then realizing that she is wearing a padded bra, and a padded tank top, and all she is working with is some lousy A cups. And usually they're all pointy, or saggy, or veiny.

Wow. I just realized why so many women are self conscious about their chest. But honestly, if a man is found out to be stuffing his crotch with sweatsocks, and a woman takes his pants off, she would probably laugh her ass off, and leave the guy to masturbate for the rest of his natural life. But guys have to put up with this flagrant misrepresentation? Ridiculous! If you have lame tits, don't wear tight shirts. Most women who wear tight shirts shouldn't be wearing tight shirts to begin with.

Over the years, I've gotten a little better at spotting which girls "pad their stats" just by the appearance of them - the smaller the breasts actually are, they more obvious it is. But by no means is it an exact science. And the girls who really have got the goods tend to show off more than they should, just so everyone knows that they actually have it.

So the solution is implants, right? Personally, I have no preference between real and fake. But I feel that the world would be a better place if every female had a giant rack. So if they're small, jack those babies up! You know you want to!

Man, it must suck to be a female. So much worthless crap to worry about that no one really cares about but you. It almost makes me feel sorry for them. Almost. Until I realize how fucking stupid and annoying most of them are.

P.S. I still love a pair of titties. Really, really love 'em. But since they are so hard to find, I think I am more of an ass man from now on. Almost half (or more) women aged 20 - 27 have a nice to very nice ass. Although, there is a risk of it being flabby, or dimply, or cottage-cheesy... but overall, it is nearly impossible to pad your ass. More importantly, most women don't want to, because they all feel like they have a big ass.

P.S.S. Is there a male equivalent to this? Penis envy maybe? Well, good thing I got a huge cock.

Famous people who need to be dead people

"Famous" is such a relative term, which is why I chose it over, say, "celebrity". Anyway, these "famous" human beings need to die, and very soon:

Paris Hilton - Is there anyone left on Earth who thinks that this counts as a viable human being? She looks like a fucking bird with a lazy eye. She acts like she is actually talented - how did that CD do, by the way? She displays publicly disgusting behavior that would get someone who didn't stand to inherit billions of dollars jailed or shunned from society. In short, she is the single most despicable human being ever to grace the surface of our planet. It seems that everyone hates her, and everyone laughs at her, and wallows in her failures and embarassments, but she is the one person alive who isn't in on the joke. If I had a choice between going back in time and stopping the birth of Hitler, or going back in time and stopping the birth of Paris Hilton, it would be the easiest choice I've ever made. Because hey, WW2 was way, way before my time, and even Hitler was good for Germany's economy. What is she good for? Spreading disease? Giving me nightmares with her wonky eye? Making disturbing sex tapes? Please, anyone, tell me something, anything! WORST HUMAN BEING EVER.

Toby Keith - Makes shitty music, thinks he's tough, but is actually a fat-ass loser. If I met him on the street, I would kick the shit out of him for being so stupid. Or run him over. DIE PLEASE.

Larry the Cable Guy - Gay and fart jokes are only funny in moderation. And southern stereotypes are never funny. We get it, you have sex with your sister and watch Nascar. Hilarious. Also, he is from Nebraska and used to wear khakis and a collared shirt while performing his awful act. Add an accent, a sleeveless flannel, a mesh hat, and a bunch of jokes about shit and back pimples, and people roll in the aisles for him. God you fucking idiots are fucking retarded. WAKE UP YOU IMPRESSIONABLE JACKASSES.

Cameron Diaz - Hideously ugly. Thinks she is far more important than she is. Believe me, pizza face, school will be open on your birthday. The finest example of a lousy, untalented, unattractive Hollywood whore who acts like a raging bitch any time it suits her. I would die a happy man if I could kick her once. In the face. While wearing football spikes. With poison on them.

Nicole Richie - Same deal as Paris Hilton, but not as famous, though she thinks she is even more famous. In reality, is more of a medical curiosity than anything else. The reason so many cameras follow you, dear, is that you look like an extra from the "Thriller" video and people are taking bets on when you finally keel over and die. Not because they love you. They want to catch your death on film. Just wanted to make that clear. I would rather have acupuncture in my balls than look at or hear about or listen to this creature of the night.

Madonna - Is most annoying because, instead of simply accepting her contributions to pop music and culture in the 80's and early 90's (which actually were substantial), and going out of the music scene with a little dignity and a lot of money, she chooses to act as an attention grabbing whore who tries to be edgy and cool but just comes off sad and pathetic, and very old looking. I mean, you don't see Robert Redford still acting like the Sundance Kid, do you? Of course not, because he has some dignity. Not Madonna. We get to see / hear about her Kabbalah bullshit, and her mock crucifixtion bullshit, and her fake-ass English accent, and her embarassing forays into acting, and her book about sex bullshit, and her dancing in a leotard at the ripe age of 738. Very appealing. Like a professional athlete who stayed in the game 2 decades too long and embarassed himself to the point where you forgot all the great things he did in his prime, Madonna seemingly can't get away because she just needs the attention. And that is why she has to die, because I really don't want to see what she will be doing for attention when she hits her mid 80's.

Anna Nicole Smith - Needs to be put to sleep. That is all I have to say about that. Do it humanely if you feel it is necessary, but do it. And soon.

Jennifer Aniston - Yes, you're sad about Brad Pitt. Too bad for you. Stop going around talking about how you're "okay" and "moving on" or whatever. You are an awful, awful, untalented, awful person. No one cares. "Friends" sucked sour frog ass. Here's what a conversation with Jennifer Aniston would sound like:

Me: Hey, Jennifer.
Jennifer: What? I'm totally ok with Brad Pitt and everything. Totally.
Me: Alright... nice shoes?
Jennifer: Of course I'm ok! I'm totally moving on with my life. I don't mind that he had a child with another woman at all! What? Who said that?
Me: Uh... who said what? Look I was only being polite, I actually think you are kind of a...
Jennifer: No, I'm moving on. I wish Brad all the best. I am totally fine. Totally fine.
Me: Ok, I think...
Jennifer: I'm glad you asked, because I totally feel fine. I hardly ever think about Brad Pitt impregnating another woman. Why would I be mad or depressed about that? I feel fine. Huh? What did you say, Chandler?
Me: Chandler? You mean from Friends? God, that show was the biggest piece of...
Jennifer: Yeah, it was funny how I got married to Ross 26 times. And you know what else is funny? How much I am moving on with my life! I love life! Who is Brad Pitt?
Me: I gotta go, you're fucked up. Kill youself, please.
Jennifer: I'm totally...(to self) I'm going to die alone.

Matthew McConaughey - God, just put a fucking shirt on once in awhile, you fucking girly queer bait!

Lindsay Lohan - Already covered why in a previous post.

David Hasselhoff - You know what I said earlier about everyone except Paris Hilton being in on the joke? Same thing applies here. What a delusional loser. If he ever watched one of his own music videos, he'd probably kill himself anyway if he didn't have such a massive ego. Hopefully old age or complete irrelevance will finish the job for me.

Tom Cruise - Already covered why, too insane to be left alive anyway. Matter of fact, get rid of Katie Holmes too, even though I kind of feel sorry for her.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. - He bother me so much, because he is famous because his dad died, because he sucks balls at his chosen profession and is still wildly, disproportionately famous, because he participates in Nascar, the root of all evil, and because some females actually find this douche attractive. Why? Do these women have a thing for ferrets? Because that is what he looks like. For all I know, he could be the greatest guy in the world (but I doubt it), but to me, he is just a turd munching cock-knocker. And he likes it in the ass (probably).

Bono - Yeah, he does a lot of charity work, blah blah blah. I don't care, he's a fucking egomaniac, and the not the kind where you can laugh about it. Instead, every time I hear his pompous voice I want to smash his lousy face into a thousand pieces. And U2 makes some of the worst music of the last 20 years. "The Joshua Tree"? Come on, people, it's not exactly "Rubber Soul". Fucking losers.

Jessica and Ashlee Simpson - They're trannies who have sex with their father. Also, they can't sing or act, yet insist on doing so almost constantly.

There are literally hundreds more, but I'm tired and too angry to continue now. Possibly to be continued later.

I fucked your mother.

Enough is Enough

Why do people hate the New York Yankees?

Maybe that sounds like an easy question, but really look deep inside yourself. Why?

There is no salary cap in MLB. Owner George Steinbrenner takes advantage of this market inneficiency and makes a sure-fire winner.

You like the Red Sox? Why? Because they have the second highest payroll in all of MLB, and act like they are the few remaining rebels against the ruthless Sith empire of the Yanks?

Please.

That shit is stupid. If you want a contender in MLB, the way things are now, you have to spend money. Make a salary cap, or shut the fuck up. Steinbrenner wants trophies, not shitty consolation prizes that come ever eighty six years. LAME. Wise up, you fucking tools, and get with it.

The fucking Brewers could be the Yankees if they wanted to be. They don't. George is willing to spend to extend his personal jewelerly collection. So shut the fuck up about it, becuause he isn't Jeffrey fucking Loria. He wants great players, and he gets them.

1. J Damon - Not great in the field, but can hit the shit out of the ball - but still -
.285/ .359 / .452

2. Jete - gonna win MVP probably, not that important, but still, for a number 2?
.343/.417/.483

3. Giambi
.253/413/.558

4. A-Rod (the best player in the game? probably)
.290/.392/.523

5. Abreu
.330/.419/.507

6. Sheff
.298/.355/.450

7. Godzilla
.302/.393/.494

8. Posada
.277/.374/.492

9. Robbie Cano
.342(!)/.365/.525

So the team stats will round out to

AVG: .302 / OBP: .387/ SLG: .498

Maybe they aren't guaranteed a World Series victory, but they have to be the favorites. So shut the fuck up, Boston. You suck. Josh Beckett? Nice move. Sure Carl Pavano is a turd, but at least the Yankees didn't extend him. I hate you all. A-Rod is the greatest player of this generation. Is it his fault he makes so much money? No. So go fuck yourselves.

God, you idiots are fucking dumb as shit.