Lindsey Hunter is terrible, gritty

Lindsey Hunter sucks.

Everyone always says he plays good defense, hits big shots, and is playoff-experienced. But the fact is, he is terrible.

I lived in Milwaukee in 2001. Lindsey was on the Bucks that year, as a backup PG to Sam Cassell. He Hoisted 53 three pointers in three rounds of playoff action that year, as the Bucks made an unreal run to make the NBA Finals - and made exactly 8. 8 of 53. That is about 15%. That is abhorrent. And teams continue to employ this black hole.

I saw him "hustle" down the floor tonight against the Cavs in game one of the East finals, and he missed a block on Donyell Marshall and crashed into the basket and spun onto the floor into the photographers.

I hoped he was injured.

Fuck you Lindsey, you shot the Bucks right out of the playoffs, and you have sucked ever since. You are the basketball equivalent of Davide Eckstein. And if you ever read FireJoeMorgan.com, you know that being the equivalent of David Eckstein SUCKS.

Asshole.

Asshole of the week 3

Easiest choice ever. I know its a little late, but still. Easiest choice ever.

David Stern.

Thanks for ruining the entire 2007 NBA season for enforcing a bullshit, out-dated, unfair rule to swing the balance of the most entertaining series of the year in the favor of the most boring team of all time.

Nice move. Horry hip checks Nash, Bowen knees Nash in the cock, TP busts him open (I know that wasn't intentional though, he's French and goes down like a house of cards any time someone hits him anywhere) and not even a review in the Sun's favor. But two guys get up off the bench to defend their best player, in the heat of the moment - forget it. It's fucking lame.

You're an asshole, Stern. I know you probably have thousands of people telling you that already, but you are. Your Napoleon Complex has finally hit its zenith; you are officially willing to sacrifice good basketball for the sake of NBA fans to make yourself feel like a big man. So for that, fuck you. I'm tuned out. I'm guessing a lot of people are tuned out with me. Enjoy another Spurs / Pistons finals. Should be fun - I hope a lot of people in Detroit and San Antonio love to watch shitty basketball, otherwise it will be the most anti-climactic finals ever.

Fuck you. You're an ass. I hate your fucking guts. You little twerp, douchebag asshole cocksucker stool-pushing faggot.

Easiest choice ever.

Fucking fucking fuck

Dear Stu Jackson and David Stern,

Fuck you. Fuck you both up your asses. Fuck you with an iron stick dipped in glue and glass.

Spurs/Suns is the only interesting series left in the playoffs, and now you fucked it up. Seems like a fair trade, Horry and his magical game winning shot ability for Stoudemire and Diaw. Do you realize that you're taking away about 30 points and 15 rebounds away from the Suns, and like 3 of each from the team that perpetrated the foul? How the fuck is that fair?

Fuck you and your hard-line, "rules are rules" bullshit. You just fucking compromised the entire balance of the 2007 NBA season with your fucking power trip. They left the bench? So fucking what. They didn't do shit, meanwhile that cock-gobbler Horry is throwing 'bows at Raja.

Basically, the shit-eating Spurs can do anything and everything short of ass-rape Steve Nash and get away with it, but when two guys STAND UP OFF THE BENCH in a knee-jerk reaction to a fucking body-check by the NBA's biggest cunt, they get suspended? How do you justify that?

I love the NBA. I even loved it in 2002 when Sacto got butt-fucked by the referees against the Lake Show. Even through that horrid Detroit / San Antonio finals. But this is beyond fucking ridiculous. I hope you enjoy the lowest ratings for an NBA Final EVER when the yawn inducing Spurs take advantage of this ridiculous ruling to advance. I guess exercising your influence in a futile efort to stimulate your tiny, flaccid penises is worth lowering the quality of the game and giving an unlevel playing field to one team.

If I ever see either one of you, or Robert Horry, I will stand three feet away from you and throw bricks and rocks at your faces. I will cockslap you so many times you'll have a permanent mushroom print on your forehead. Fuck you all, and I'll see you in hell, you rotten motherfuckers.

I hate your guts, I hope all the bad things in life happen to you, and only you. Fucking assholes.

Look away children, they may change forms!

I hate the San Antonio Spurs.

I hate everything they embody, everything they stand for, every single thing that they do. I respect Tim Duncan's low post dominance; but I hate him anyway. I respect Tony Parker's speed; I still want to see him injure himself. I respect Greg Popovich as a coach and all around nice guy; I just fucking hate his team.

The reasons are multiple. First, they succeed by being boring and predictable. I personally think that the style that the Spurs play (and they play it very well) goes against everything basketball is supposed to stand for. Listen to Bill Walton talk about the game sometime - "an effortless display of memorized brilliance", he said about his UCLA teams - and you can tell he really LOVES basketball. Loves it. He loves the movement, the passing, the athletic explosions, the swings in momentum that can occur at any given moment. But the Spurs really do none of these things. They do what is necessary. They are workmanlike. They are efficient. They are successful. But also, they are boring.

They rebound. They play good defense. They use the glass. Old school, some might call it. Are they really "dirty"? Bowen for sure is, the rest of the team I'm not sure of. Probably Ginobli and Oberto at least. A motherfucker that ugly has to play dirty. The point is, basketball is supposed to be fluid, not workmanlike. Fast, not slow. Breathtaking, not efficient. The Spurs play ordinary ball, and are saved from mediocrity because all their players buy into the system - and they have the greatest low post player of all time. I hate the fucking guy, he whines, he makes stupid faces, and he gets away with murder sometimes, but I have to give TD that much.

The Suns represent the revolution of the game, the blueprint that other teams are trying to duplicate. Ball movement, three point shooters, athletic wing players, fast breaks - and they do it better than anyone. They are the embodiment of what basketball should be.

But in the end, it's easier to be slow than fast. Easier to make yourself a hard worker than be born effortlessly brilliant. Easier to be sufficient than fantastic. Easier to score 85 points than 120. And because of that, as long as Duncan is playing, the Spurs will be able to defeat teams like the Suns who think that final scores should be higher than 82-77. Especially if the referees are going to let Oberto and Ginobli flop their fucking way to 16 free throws a game. Why play D when you can just fall down?

Meatheads = stupid, frustrating

I saw a thing on ESPN's "Outside the Lines" today about how many ex NFL players loathe the current head of the NFLPA, Gene Upshaw. Why, you ask? Because they want money. And presumeably, they are jealous of the massive increase in football salaries since the old fucks retired. They basically don't think that the NFL is taking good enough care of their former players.

Tough shit, dickfaces. You want to make your living playing a sport where you wear tight pants and run into each other for three hours? Fine by me. A little gay, but fine by me. You want to make a living playing a sport where the more fierce you are, the better your chance of succeeding? Fine, even if that is a meathead point of view. But even FOOTBALL PLAYERS (capitolized to emphasize the stupidity of said athletes, in general) have to know that the shelf life for their profession is not very long. Running into other humans is not something that the human body was meant to do. So plan accordingly if you want to put your body through the equivalent of like 400 car crashes. Don't expect other people to take care of your sorry asses.

Don't bitch about Upshaw. He doesn't have to give you shit. You cashed in your pension too early, so now eat crow and shut the fuck up. You could've played it differently (and you all would have if you weren't fucking morons) but you fucked up and now you want someone else to fix your mistakes? Eat shit. Do something with yourselves instead of bitching about Gene Upshaw. Open a car wash. Open a restaraunt. Write a book about your life. Do SOMETHING.

Are all football players this fucking dumb? Pretty much all of them I've met seem to be. Half of them can barely spell, but they run fast, or bench press a lot of weight and suddenly they are stars. Fuck you, you fucking crybaby assholes.

I hate football sometimes.

Asshole of the week 2

The second ever asshole of the week is none other than "Big Shot Rob", Robert Horry.

He sucks, he is fat with shaven woman legs, he is overrated, and he scores like 2 points a game. If he was actually so awesome, he would participate in an ENTIRE game instead of hanging around the 3 point line on great teams and hitting seven jumpers a year.

And everyone sucks his cock about how "clutch" he is, how much of a winner he is, and whatever. How much of his 6 championships do you want to attribute to his stellar play? Shouldn't most of the credit go to the Hall of Fame caliber play of Tim Duncan, Kobe Bryant, Shaq, Hakeem Olajuwon and Clyde Drexler? Anyone who played many years with that list of players would have rings. Shit, John Salley has 4. JOHN SALLEY.

And announcers act like he has some magical ability to hit game winning shots. Like he has a supernatural ability... forget it, it's too fucking stupid to even consider. I hate you Robert Horry, I hate you.

Oh, and Tim Duncan is a douche too. I really wanted this to go to him, or maybe Bowen. Well, there's always next week.

Tony Parker is a pussy.

Bounce, rock Golden State

Holy shit. that was the most awesome first round series ever. Some observations:

Matt Barnes is my hero. I don't know where he came from, but... he made some amazing passes, and that dunk on Dirk in the 3rd... the game was over right then and there. Awesome.

I used to think Devin Harris was a good PG prospect, but I wonder now. 3 years, and he hasn't developed a consistent jump shot, he is prone to foul trouble, and he gets in trouble a lot. He seems to go up for a shot, only to weakly pass it off at the last minute way too often. Is he not getting enough lift on his shot?

Stackhouse is cold, but I hate him. Nice male pattern baldness, douche.

What is with the fucking bandwagon jumping celebrities at Oakland? Snoop, Woody Harrelson, Owen Wilson and that whore, and so on? Come on. Jess Alba I'll give a pass because she's insanely hot, but... I hate lousy come lately fans. Fuck off. Go watch the Lakers... oh wait. Nevermind. Is there anything worse than a fucking actor/actress who just wants to be seen?

Austin Croshere - you get inserted into the game with GS on a run... and you take three straight shots, missing them all? I'm sure that's exactly what Avery had in mind. Nice thinning hair.

What happened to Dirk? He seems like a solid guy, and his overall stats weren't terrible, but... that was bad. Real bad. If Nash doesn't win MVP, its gonna look real, real bad.

Why did Avery take Diop out? He was the only thing preventing Golden State from getting to the rim at will. They got every single loose ball and rebound after that... but Dallas had basically already given up by then. Pretty sad.

Kevin Willis is a douche. He's known these guys for like two weeks, and acts like he was part of their whole run. Remember my rant about "annoying energy guys"? Go back into retirement, asshole.

JRich killed Dallas with that sick dunk (nice dish by Pietrus) and those two threes.

I know they wouldn't have won this series without Baron, and he DID kick ass... but where would they be without Stephen Jackson? He may have been the best player on the floor in this series. Remember 2003 when he won the title for the Spurs with his killer 3's? I do. I can't believe he was devalued so much. Awesome pickup by Mullin.

Overall, good sportsmanship was showed by all. And I appreciate that... all except Mark Cuban. Oh, what an ass. Hey Mark, your team got butt-fucked. How do you like Nellie now? Fucking douche. It was awesome watching his head explode. Just awesome. What an ass.

West side.