Women are whores. Sorry, no nice way to say it

Why do women think they can do whatever they like and men will deal with it because they have tits and we don't? Women are inferior to men. Women should never think otherwise. They are whores. Listen to any man talk about any woman he has ever been with. It's never "well, she was so tender in bed and really cared about me..." it's more like "well, I fucked the shit out of her, and then I kicked her rotten ass out of my place". The fact that women still fall for it boggles my mind. They are dumber than fucking Police Officers, who previously set the record for fucking dumb-ass incompetence.

Never think you can pull one over on a man. If you try, what happens? The man usually goes ballistic, sometimes committing capital crimes in the process. Men hate to be outsmarted by women more than they hate movies with Jennifer Lopez, or music by Shakira. It's a fact. Even the smartes whore can never pull one over on the most retarded, backwoods, simple-minded redneck of a man.

Women manipulate, they lie like you wouldn't believe, they try to get you do do and say things you would never do or say otherwise. Why? Women cannot accept a man for what he is - imperfect. God forbid a man takes a shit, or farts. Or doesn't want to watch shitty chick flicks, or stupid shows like "American Idol" or "Seventh Heaven". Or doesn't want to go to a fucking concert featuring shitty country music or lousy crap like Jessica Simpson. Fuck them.

Women think they can control the world with their vaginas. Well, when you wonder why there are so many rape victims in the world, think about that. Think about what most women wear. Think about how they talk like whores any chance they get, to try and sound "sexy".

Take a hypothetical example. A realtionship ends. Afterwards, the woman informs the man that she is pregnant, but the man does not care because he thinks said woman is a useless twat who fucked with his mind, and this is probably another example of what I like to call "stupid whorish bullshit". Obviously the man is to blame here, right? I mean, it's his seminal fluid that is responsible for that kid; now he is going to have nothing to do with it and the woman has to carry it and take care of it herself (for the most part). Some people would say that the woman is the victim. I say she is being bitch-slapped by karma. The world has a funny way of punishing idiocy; many people are familiar with this on the level of "you reap what you sow." Women taunt and tease and try to control and change men whenever they can, and when it gets out of their control, they cry like fucking babies. Well boo-hoo, bitch. Have fun with your bastard child. Maybe if you'd have kept your smelly crotch closed, you wouldn't be in this shape. Sometimes poetic justice can be a beautiful thing. Oh, and by the way, you will be fat and covered with stretch marks after your idiot kid is born. Enjoy it.

Another knock on women is that they can become insulted when a man is trying to be nice to them! Only women are too fucking stupid to realize when people are being nice to them. Women would rather push the envelope until they get exactly what they want, instead of compromising. Women are dumber than turkeys. Even a turkey knows when something is trying to kill it.

Fuck all you stupid whores. If any man is worth his balls, he will slap the shit out of every stupid slut that he sees. I know I do. Fuck all of you.

MTV must be stopped!

Remember when MTV stood for "Music Television"? It was so long ago that most of the trendy dipshits who watch it now have no idea what "YO! MTV Raps" is and only know stupid shows like "Punk'd" (stupid spelling). Nowadays, MTV is about 95% bullshit and 5% shitty music videos. They only play bullshit like Ashlee Simpson and Pink. The rest is awful reality shows, documentaries that are packed to the brim with unintentional comedy, and... TRL? Here are the most obvious reasons why MTV must be taken off the air:

THE REAL WORLD: Yeah, I know, everyone loves this pile of shit, right? Well, you are a fucking idiot, what do you know. Take at least one slutty whore (somtimes two), a homosexual, a meathead, a sensitive guy and/or girl, and someone who has some kind of serious personal problem, along with maybe two other roommates who do absolutely nothing, and throw them into a mansion and film them. Awesome. Watch as the stupid women cry all the time, and the guys get plastered and attempt to score with as many whores as they can because they have a TV camera with them at all times! Exciting. We already know that women are attention whores, so who cares? Everybody fights over stupid shit and whines about their "job", someone always says that they "want to go home", and someone walks naked through the house. Real intelligent television. Later, the cast members show up on other shitfests like "Real World / Road Rules Challenge". This show marked the beginning of the end of Western Civilization. Not only did it start the reality show craze (not shitty Survivor, like most idiots think), but it was when MTV started to really go downhill. Now we have shows like...

LAGUNA BEACH: So, a bunch of semi-wealthy whores and douchebags go to parties with each other and fight somtimes. Anything else? And this is a show because... oh yeah, "the OC" was cool. Like 4 years ago. Maybe it's time to let this one die a dignified death, as all the cast members are washed up 30 year olds by now and a new cast would be more pathetic than "Saved By the Bell: the New Class". But this is MTV we're talking about, so it will probably run for 15 more unbearable seasons of bitchiness and self-importance.

MY SUPER SWEET 16: Spoiled whores can pout and bitch and manipulate their blood-belching vaginas that call themselves their parents into giving them extravagant birthday parties. Like people will care about your shitty party in 2 weeks anyway, is it worth the $2.5 million that your shithead daddy had to pay for an ice sculpture that looks like P-Diddy's cock? Who cares? The kids who attend these retard festivals are just using the birthday girl to go to an extravagant party. Afterward, they probably all congregate and talk about what a spoiled, rotten, stupid, slutty bitch the birthday girl is. Then they laugh and take out all the stuff they stole from the party. These stupid bitches on this show are part of what I call the "Paris Hilton effect"; they bitch and pout and complain and act like the Queen of England until they get what they want, because their father makes a lot of money. Like anyone gives a shit about your 16th birthday. Get over yourself. Or better yet, drink some Dran-o and kill yourself off before you can reproduce. Save me some sleepless nights.

PUNK'D: You knew it was coming. I'll admit, I like seeing celebrities in an uncomfortable spot. But that's because I hate celebrities. Except Bruce Willis, Johnny Depp, and Harrison Ford, who all kick ass. After however many years that Asston Doucher has been doing this, he has to resort to Z-list celebs like a kid from "Laguna Beach" (shameless cross-promotion, anyone?) or some stupid R&B singer that I've never heard of, or some other barely famous asshead. It's lame, it's not funny, and I hate Ashton Kutcher. I mean, Demi Moore? Her best years are far, far behind her. And her best years aren't very good. And she's like twice his age. And he's an asshole and not funny. Yeah, you made Lindsay Lohan think she had a parking ticket. Hilarious. Also, thanks to this show, we are now subjected to...

YO MOMMA: Quite possibly the worst show in the history of television. I would rather watch gay porn than watch anything with that fucking faggot Wilmer Valderrama in it. If you ever want to see the definition of unfunny comedy, watch this show. These people tell jokes like "you're momma's so hairy, she has a goatee on her ankles".... and people in attendance are forced (probably at gunpoint) to laugh. Also, there are a lot of fat jokes, when everyone knows that 80% of all good fat jokes are contained in Wierd Al Yankovic's "Fat" off his "Even Worse Album" (sample: "when I sit around the house, I really sit around the house." Classic). And they do this under the pretense of "repping their 'hood". And Wilmer takes a break from cruising high school parking lots for his next sexual conquest to say things like "keep it real" and "cash money" with a homosexual twang in his voice. Not only does this show set minorities back like 200 years, but it puts that cocksucker on TV more, and he has the nerve to give himself an Executive Producer credit as well. I will now slit my wrists.

TIARA GIRLS: Do you notice who MTV is aiming towards nowadays? Not people who like music, but stupid, slutty, spoiled twats who think that everyone should pay attention to them. Beauty pageants are the rock-bottom of our culture. Women who compete in them should be ashamed. They are objectified in them and forced to dress and act a certain way that is unnatural in order to win a stupid crown and maybe a trophy. Actually, since most women are idiots, I really don't care. But the parents on this show are the worst; the proclaim things like "you're getting fat" and "I don't car about your homework for the next three days, I'm calling your Principal tomorrow". Uh, I think school is more important than some dumbass fashion show where judges rate 16 year old girls like they are slabs of beef. But I honestly don't care. To me, it is the equivalent of of a black person saying, "I want to win the Slave-off in 2006", or a Jewish person saying "I'm busting my ass to win Ms. Holocaust this year". Point being, we all think we've moved past that stage, but some stupid fucking idiots can't seem to grasp that the world does not care anymore. God, women are so fucking dumb. You want euality, but readily accept the fact that pageantry is a sexist industry that parades women around judging them on their physical appearance? Either get on the same page or shut the fuck up.

MTV is for fruits and virgins. I hate everyone who watches it.

The worst kind of people

Actually, all people are the worst. People are awful. But certain kinds of people that you run into on a daily basis really push my buttons and nearly push me to bludgeon them with a blunt object.

PEOPLE WHO SING ALONG WITH SONGS: This can be broken down into two main categories. First, you have "person who sings loudly along because he/she thinks that people will be impressed by knowledge of said song". Then you have "person who sings along with song, and when he/she does not know the words, switches to incoherently mumbling in order to mask the fact that they do not know the words". Both are horrible and should be banned from listening to the radio or CD's forever.

PEOPLE WHO DRIVE EXACTLY THE SPEED LIMIT (OR SLOWER): This always happens when you have somewhere to be. You get caught behind some dickless fag who thinks it's pushing the envelope to go 47 in a 45 zone. Or some old fuck who can't read the speed limit signs and goes 35, just to be safe, no matter where you are.

PEOPLE WHO CLIP THEIR CELL PHONES ON THEIR BELTS: Mostly middle-aged men. Yeah, we see you have a cell phone, asshole. You and about every other motherfucker on earth. No one cares. Is it really that much trouble to put the fucking thing in your pocket?

PEOPLE WITH SPINNING RIMS ON CARS: Unless you're a rapper (and even then, they're getting kind of played out) you look like a fucking dumbass. Especially if you have them on a Mitsubishi Eclipse or Jeep Wrangler. Basically, if you drive an Eclipse, you're a fucking tool and you probably have a small dick too.

PEOPLE WHO STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF AISLES: Why in the middle? An aisle at a store should be like a road; one lane for each direction. If you're in the middle, you should be arrested for shopping under the influence of being a fucking jerk. If you block me at the store, I usually meet you with a swift kick to the teeth.

PEOPLE WHO OWN CATS: Already covered why.

PEOPLE WHO REFER TO SPORTS TEAMS BY SAYING "WE": As in, "if Michael Jordan didn't retire in 1994 and 1995, we would have won eight straight titles." No you wouldn't have, the Bulls would have. Unless the person saying that happens to be Scottie Pippen, shut the fuck up. Just because you own a "lucky" shirt with shit stains all over it bearing your favorite team's logo doesn't not make you an honorary member. Sports teams are expensive. Douchebags who say "we" can never afford them, unless the teams always suck like the New York Knicks, or the Chicago Bears. Anybody can be on those teams.

PEOPLE WHO SAY, "I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT...": Guess what? I hate that you hate to say it too. What I hate even more is that you're going to say it anyway. Save me the trouble of taking out your knees with a tire iron and go with your first instinct - keep your mouth closed.

PEOPLE WHO LAUGH AT COMMERCIALS: Commercials are totally lame. Even ones that are supposed to be funny are old after one viewing. That's why inventions like TiVO are so popular, because no one wants to see shitty commercials. So stop playing into the adverstiser's hands, you corporate shills.

PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING FAT: If you don't like the way you look, go on a diet. I hate when people say "my diets never work". That's becuase you're a lazy slob and gave up on it after 4 days. If you stick with something longer then 96 hours, maybe you'll get some results. A good way to start is to cut out the constant dining at shitty places like McDonald's because you "don't have enough time for dinner". Shut up, fatty. If someone really wants to lose weight, the only reason they won't is because they are lazy and stupid.

PEOPLE WHO "ARE COMFORTABLE THE WAY THEY ARE": No you aren't. You're fat and you know it. Go on a diet already, you fat piece of shit. Stop trying to force lies down my throat. You're not "plus sized and loving it" or whatever, you're a fat disgusting abomination. Knock it off, you're teaching kids that its alright to be fat as long as you accept it. Real nice lesson, you fucking lard-asses.

PEOPLE WHO ARE REVERSE RACISTS: Meaning, people who cheer for "Black History Month" but would probably protest "White History Month" because "every month is White History Month". No it isn't, and you're an idiot for saying something that fucking ignorant. Just deal with whatever race you are and stop bitching about it. You all sound like a bunch of fucking women. Sure, there is still plenty of racism in the world. It is unfortunate. However, it cheapens the plight of people who are real victims of real racism to play the race card when "your coffee isn't as hot as the white man's coffee" or whatever the fuck. Just stop your bitching already. Quit blaming everyone else for your problems all the time and grow the fuck up.

God, do I hate people. Especially you, you fucking tool.

I thought cats were just for losers who live in apartments!

Ahem. Actually, they are. Cats are awful. They are the worst housepet known to man. Worse than snakes or insects even. I would rather have a fucking ant farm than a cat. I would rather have an aquarium than a cat, and everyone knows that fish don't count as pets.

Cats are smelly, hairy, disgusting, slovenly animals who are mostly ill-tempered. What do cats do?
1. They jump on counters, eating food they aren't supposed to eat, then vomit everywhere. Needless to say, they do not clean it up (so much for cats being a "clean animal").
2. Their piss smells like the worst hangover pee you ever had, multiplied by 20. It's like straight up ammonia. And they pee everywhere... people have had to get rid of furniture because there was so much cat piss on it. And you can't wash it out, it smells THAT BAD. If a cat pisses on something, you might as well burn the fucking thing, even if it's a kid. Its worse than a skunk spray.
3. They are sloppy eaters, and leave their shitty smelling food all over the place becuase they are unable to put it all in their fucking mouths for some reason. It always smells like tuna, only after being left out in the sun for three weeks. In fact, let me say right here and now that cats are probably the most offensive housebroken animal on earth to someone with a decent sense of smell.
4. They shed like people in the South inbreed... which is to say constantly. They leave clumps of shitty hair everywhere they lay, which is on every chair, bed, and square inch of carpet in the house.
5. They always lay on my shoes when I'm at my girlfriend's house for some reason (not sure if this is common or not). I hate cats. I am allergic to cats. When I go to retrieve my shoes, the little fuckers hiss at me like I'm attempting to spay them. Fuck you, you shit-eating fuckwads! They're my shoes! If you hate me so much, get the fuck off of them!
6. Whenever a door is closed off to them, they automatically want in. They will paw and meow incessantly until you open the door and let them in, or until you beat them with a rolling pin like I do. And they make the most annoying noises you could possibly imagine. It sounds like a live Ashlee Simpson performance. And even SHE doesn't smell as bad as most cats do.
7. They have a knack for ending up where they're not supposed to be, like stuck inside the framework of a couch or under the hood of a car. Then people are supposed to expend valuable time and effort to retrieve them? No. If cats are so smart, they wouldn't go in there in the first place. I say leave the shitheads in there until they starve to death. A cat was stuck in my girlfriend's couch the other night, and the little fucker was in there so long that it took a shit under the cushion (it was a foldout sleeper sofa). A shit! A piss is one thing, but a shit? That is nasty. I was sitting like 8 inches away from it (on the other side of the cushion, that is). Needless to say, I grabbed the cat by the tail, cut its head off, fried it in a pan, and served it to a homeless man. That is all cats are good for. Feeding the hungry.

There are probably more reasons too. Cats are for losers. If you like cats, you should be shot in the face. It's that simple. If anyone else ever tells me that cats are "the cleanest animals" then I am going to take a shit on their face and ask them if they think that's clean too. Because that's what having a cat in your home smells like. They can't guard your house, can't do tricks, can't do anything. That's why dogs will always be superior to cats. My dog eats cats all the time, and I just watch and laugh and then watch the videotape later.

God I hate cats. And if you like them, then I hate you too.

No, Harold

Harold Reynolds is really bad at his job. It's not a particularly difficult job; he talks about baseball on Baseball Tonight. Presumeably, he is paid to do so. You'd think it would be even easier for Harold, seeing as how he is a former baseball player.

You'd be wrong. Very wrong. From tonight's Baseball Tonight:

I tell you what, the Diamondbacks are for real! They're making some noise!

What? As of today, the Arizona Diamondbacks are 5-7, good for last place in the horrendous NL West. The same division that sent the fucking PADRES to the playoffs last season. They have scored one more run than they have given up (53 to 52). So if by "making some noise", he meant "won a game", than he is right. But they are not "for real", unless he means "real awful".

The thing about Pedro (Martinez), is that over the years, he knows how to pitch.

This was in response to a question about what stood out about Pedro tonight during his 200th win. It is beyond retarded to say that Pedro Martinez knows how to pitch. He is a pitcher. That in no way helps me understand how great Pedro is, or what he did in his start tonight. Completely worthless.

Harold Reynolds is really bad at his job. Can somebody get on this?

You're not Ray Charles. SHUT UP

Jaime Foxx ruled in "Any Given Sunday", playing QB "Steamin'" Willy Beamen in what many critics thought would be a star turn. Those critics were incorrect, as he spent the next three years making movies like "Bait", "Shade", and "Breakin' All the Rules". What no one really realized, and what I never realized until recently, was that Jaime Foxx sucks. Have you ever seen a Jaime Foxx standup comedy special? It is a truly shameful display. I tried to laugh, I really did. But I can only stand so many Puff Daddy jokes in one routine. And the Jaime Foxx show? What a joke (not the kind you laugh at). I think he works as a hotel bellhop in it... and he hits on some girl and makes stupid faces and crap. Real hilarious.

However, everything changed for Jaime Foxx (funny or not) when he signed on to play Ray Charles in "Ray". Little did we know that it would lead to the end of Western Civilization.

About 18 months and one Academy Award win later, and now Jaime Foxx is actually convinced that he IS Ray Charles. He has re-sung at least two of Ray's songs for lousy rappers to use in choruses for their shitty songs, inlcuding the incredibly shitty Kanye West. He has even released his own album. What's the title, you ask? Wait... wait for it....

Unpredictable. That's the title of Jaime Foxx's album. Unpredictable. I only wish I was joking. Also, a song on said album is titled "Do What It Do". Sound familiar? I will now set myself on fire.

What the fuck makes Jaime Foxx so fucking unpredictable? Unless he is being ironic, he should shut the fuck up. It seems to me he is the most predictable man alive. Here's a day in Jaime Foxx's life:

1. Wake up, look at self in mirror. Sing "I'm Willy Beamen" from Any Given Sunday soundtrack while nude.
2. Shower while holding Academy Award.
3. Put Academy Award in passenger seat on the way to music studio.
4. Call shitheel douchebag Kanye West, ask about a future collaboration.
5. Sing a hook from an old Ray Charles song, in order to whore it for some no-talent rapper to use it as a chorus in his latest shitty song about slutty women or selling drugs or both.
6. Say "I'ma do what it do!" at least 38 times.
7. Visit gravesite of Ray Charles, proceed to urinate.
8. Return home, listen to own CD, shove Academy Award directly up own ass.
Repeat.

If I hear one more shitty collaboration with Jaime Foxx slaughtering a Ray Charles song, I'm going to put him out. Bet on it.

You're not Ray Charles. Ray Charles rules. Jaime Foxx, you are an asshole. Deal with the fact that you suck and no one cares about you. Stop whoring him to further your own fame.

Ray Charles must be spinnin'.

7 NBA Players that absolutely suck

I love basketball, but some players make me want to see them not only lose, but be torn apart by a pack of bloodthirsty cougars. A lot of this is due to severe dick-waxing on the part of announcers like Doug Collins and Bill Walton, part is personality, and part is just physical appearance. There will be a lot of words like "defensive specialist" mentioned... the quotation marks mean it's sarcastic, you fucking jerk.

JAMAL CRAWFORD: Did this guy have a shoe deal for like 7 minutes? It's a great year to hate the Knicks with their effeminate, disgraceful crybaby of a coach and a bunch of overpaid malcontents. No one fits that bill better than Crawford, a "point guard" who has averaged a stunning 3.9 assists/game for his career. I know what you're thinking, he's a shoot-first kind of guard, and he makes up for it with scoring... well, you are an idiot. With a career average of 12.9 ppg, he ranks with such luminaries as... well who cares, he sucks. The worst kind of shoot-first point guard is one who can't shoot. Yeah, he can have big games, and he can dunk (so what) but he's streakier than your grandfathers underpants and also a cock (probably). Case in point, about two weeks ago, JC hit a game winning shot against the Cavaliers and proceeded to trot down the court making the "dirt of your shoulder" motion like he's fucking Jay-Z. Uh, Jamal? Your team has won like 20 games this year. You suck and are the laughingstock of the league. You're not a rapper, you're a below average baskteball player that wouldn't start on 85% of the teams in the league. So how about you cool it a bit, okay?

BEN WALLACE: Three time Defensive POY, every announcers favorite overrated "center", what am I thinking? He's a game changer, right? Again, you are an idiot. Ben Wallace is an offensive liability. It's like playing 4 on 5 with him on the floor. His career scoring average is a ghastly 6.6 ppg. His career high is 22 points. His career high for free throws attempted in a single game is 22 - and his career high for made free throws in a single game is 8. He is a career42% FT shooter. And don't talk to me about Shaq and Wilt being bad at free throws - first, they're not THAT BAD, and second, they are two of the top three centers of all time. Ben Wallace is an undersized douche with a chip on his shoulder because he went undrafted (rightly so) and has a tattoo of a clocktower on his arm. Real fucking tough. Sure, he plays defense, but no one gives a fuck about Theo Ratliff or Joel Pryzbilla, do they? Plus, the weak-ass fro is a lame attempt to grab attention that he does not deserve. Every time an announcer drools over yet another 4 point (on 2 sloppy putback dunks), 13 rebound performance, it makes me yearn for the days when Ewing, Olajuwon, Mourning, Mutombo, the Admiral, and Shaq would have fucked him up and eaten his lunch. On second thought, add Bill Cartwright and Randy Breuer to that list.

CHAUNCEY BILLUPS: Now that the Pistons are everybody's favorite "team" he is the "best PG in the league". No, no, no, NO. Chauncey Billups has been on 5 NBA teams, averaging 14.3 ppg and 5.1 apg over that time. Yawn. Anyone who gave himself the name "Mr. Big Shot" had better A. Have a huge cock, B. Have impressive stats, C. Have several awards to confirm his greatness, D. Have a good shot of having his number retired, and E. Have MULTIPLE NBA Championships to show for it. Chauncey has none of the above, and a massive set of horse teeth/lips to boot. So in two years when he wears out his welcome, at least he will be able to go back to his old job pulling carriages in New York City.

BRUCE BOWEN: This guy is the reason I hate the term "defensive specialist". More to the point, he is a "chickenshit cocksucker" who "kicks people in the back" and "rolls opponents ankles". Annoying people does not mean you are a great defender, it means you are an annoying prick and should go back to the Italian league or wherever you came from. His career scoring average is 6.5 ppg (lower than Ben Wallace!!) and shoots a dismal 57% from the free throw line. He contributes next to nothing in every other meaningful statistical category (besides maybe steals). But his saving grace is his three point shooting, right? Again, you are an idiot. In his 10 year career, Bruce has shot over 40% from behind the arc only thrice. Reggie Miller he ain't. So here's to hoping that Ray Allen, or Kobe, or T-Mac, or whoever just slaps the shit out of this fucking pussy so everyone can stop saying how tough he is. How many people have to say he's a dirty motherfucker before people stop riding his cock?

EDDY CURRY: I know nothing about Eddy Curry personally. He could be a great guy for all I know. What I DO know, however, is that his nickname coming out of high school was "Baby Shaq", which would lead one to believe that he was dominant on both ends of the floor, as well as exciting and marketable. Well, he ain't exciting or marketable, but that's not really a big deal, even Shaq can't sell shoes very well. Eddy Curry is 6'11", 285 pounds. He has been playing for 5 seasons (counting this one). In those 5 years, he has amassed career averages of .8 blocks per game (pretty terrible for someone of his size and athleticism) and 5.1 rebounds per game (inexcusable - and seemingly impossible). Chris Paul is averaging more rebounds per this season. How is that possible? How lazy can one guy be? Maybe he should get some more Chinese symbol tattoos on his neck (so totally awesome, I bet he has a barbed wire tattoo around his bicep too) that say "fat fucking slob".

RICHARD HAMILTON: I didn't call him "Rip" because Richard sounds so much funnier. He's a fine player, well conditioned, and a good shooter and average passer and rebounder for a wing player. Where I draw the line is the ridiculous wearing of the protective face-shield like 3 years after his broken nose. How lame! Does he think it's good luck or something? Because it looks really fucking ridiculous with his headband and mask on. He needs to lose the fucking thing before I or someone else smash his fucking nose again and make him wear one for real. It's like all these Piston players feel the need to have some sort of WWE style gimmick to get attention, because no one cares about them. You have their starting 5:
"Rip" the masked man
The Clucker (Tayshaun Prince)
Afro-gay
Mr. Big Lips
Psyhco Sheed (couldn't think of anything else on short notice, and besides, Rasheed rules)

VINCE CARTER: Finally, the biggest fucking jerk of them all. The man with the balls to negatively criticize Kobe's 81 point performance as "bad for kids" when he warms up with an iPod and purposely tanked at least 2 seasons in Toronto so he could get traded to another team where he wanted to play hard again. Is that good for kids? If you see Vince Carter in the street or in person, throw something hard at his face and tell him that he sucks and that you hate him. Tell him he is everything that is wrong with professional sports. Tell him he doesn't deserve to share the court with Jason Kidd. In a perfect world, Vince Carter would get treated the way Barry Bonds or T.O. does, but everyone forgets about what a cock he is because he jumps high. Oooooh, how impressive. Now jump off a building, you cock.

I weep for the future

Of college basketball, that is. Florida just won the NCAA tournament, and I have seen quite possibly the worst team ever to win a title at the college level. Their "best player", Joakim Noah, pretty much is guaranteed to suck if he goes pro. Here's why.

1. He can't shoot for shit. He isn't really even that effective down low, unless he's charging down the lane for a dunk (he won't be able to dunk on Garnett, Dwight Howard, et. al).
2. He is average athletically.
3. He can handle the ball, but he travels way too often. At least 4 called travels in the last 2 games (!) and at least 4-6 others that were not called. Too indecisive, and picks his dribble up too often.
4. Nice at blocking shots, but doesn't get much lift when he jumps and he tends to catch the opponent on his elbow when blocking, only it doesn't get called.
5. He is too narrow to really fill out, making his current weight of 220 pretty much as heavy as he will be. He could add a little muscle, but playing inside with monsters like Greg Oden and Howard and Amare Stoudemire seems pretty fucking unlikely.

He is a pretty good passer, and he does run the floor really well. But unless he can surprise me by adding a lot of weight / strength or learning how to shoot, he will be a mediocre energy guy off someone's bench, like Mark Madsen or Brian Cardinal. Only Cardinal can shoot.

I think that the best pro prospect on Florida is center Al Horford, who is much stronger, athletic, and just as good running the floor, passing, and blocking shots as Noah. So why is no one comparing him to Magic Johnson? That comparison is so stupid, I hope Johnson is offended. Johnson is one of the five greatest basketball players ever to walk the earth.

Also, Corey Brewer has a nice shot, pretty good athleticism, and plays really nice D, but he can't create his own shot to save his life and is below average at handling the ball. Also, he is skinny and weak.

Their point guard, Taurean Green, played a nice game, but he is too content to sit at the top of the key and launch flat looking three pointers early in the shot clock. Also, what is with the skin?

But the main reason I'm upset about Florida? That Noah is so fucking ugly. He has awful acne, a huge gap between his front teeth, and terrible woman hair. He looks like he came from Three Mile Island for Christ's sake. And we get it - his dad played tennis, no one cares because no one gives a fuck about tennis. And isn't he from France or something? Or maybe Brooklyn? So why in the fuck was he telling Harlem to "stand up" after the game was over? I'm guessing he heard it in a rap song and thought it sounded cool.

He thought he was cool during the game, too, and was winking at UCLA cheerleaders. I could practically hear them vomit from my house. UCLA cheerleaders probably can have any guy they want, so what would they want with an extra from Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video? What a sick-looking freak. They could find better looking guys at the LA homeless shelter if they wanted.

What a WHORE

Ever heard of Anna Benson?

You know, the soon to be ex-wife of Orioles pitcher Kris Benson? This lady is probably up there with Paris Hilton and Tara Reid on the "whores who are famous for reasons uncertain to the average man" scale. Only... she's not famous, and she thinks she is. I mean, really, really thinks she is. The news of her divorce is the most publicity she's had in months.

Let me start by taking the opportunity to say how heinously ugly Anna Benson actually is. She looks like some sort of diseased troll, with eyes that loll lazily every which way, a crooked smile, and flabby, saggy tits. I think she might have leprosy. Also, she was a stripper at one point, so with that background and her current attitude, you know she's swimming with more STD's than James Bond. If given the choice between having intercourse with Anna Benson and sawing my cock off, my only question would be "what kind of saw are we talking about? Power saw? Alright, you got yourself a deal."

And what's worse is she seems to think she is striking a critical blow for women's rights by posing for men's magazines like FHM. She thinks she will empower other baseball wives to do likewise... only they probably don't care about Anna Benson any more than anyone else does. Also, I am willing to bet that at least 70% of baseball players have wives that are way hotter than Anna Benson, only they aren't trashy whores who relish attention that they do not deserve. Even a douche like Curt Schilling has a wife who's better looking than Anna. And I guaran-fucking-tee that she does not have a "Susan (don't know her real first name) Schilling Enterprises" website where a flash intro of Kanye West's "Gold Digger" plays with a poorly drawn cartoon of her dancing like a trampy slut with huge, spinning dollar signs in the background.

The most important thing Anna ever did was marry Kris Benson. And now she embarassed the shit out of him so bad that he got shipped off the fucking Mets. And now, she is divorcing him. Most likely because Baltimore is not a glamorous enough or media-friendly enough place to flash your tits at little kids and threaten to bang every member of your husband's organization. Anna Benson is an embarassment to women everywhere. So long, you useless twat, good luck with your shitty internet poker business, I doubt anyone wants to play cards with a whore who looks like someone just shit on her face. And most people would probably be wary of contracting one of her 4,600 diseases through the computer.

Anna Benson should go back to being a stripper who blows hairy men in the V.I.P room for 5 bucks, because it's all she was ever good at. If she dropped off the planet, no one would even give a shit. But in a way, this divorce is the best thing for everyone... because now what the fuck is she famous for?

Oh, right. For being a whore who looks like someone shit on her face.