NBA playoffs = officially awesome

Baron Davis just murdered the Mavericks. MURDERED them. They're up 3-1 with 3 chances left to finish this team off? I told you motherfuckers they'd do it.

That was the best game of the playoffs so far, by a huge margin. Has a 1 vs. 8 series ever been this lopsided in the favor of the 8? GS didn't even get anything from Monta Ellis or Al Harrington, and Nellie actually threatened to go to a six man rotation if they can't step up. That would leave the criminally insane Stephen Jackson, Baron, JRich, Pietrus, Biedrins, and Matt Barnes. Where the hell did Matt Barnes come from, anyway? 8 points, 7 boards and 3 assists is pretty good for your 8th (now 6th?) guy.

Nellie has made Avery shorten his rotation, change his lineups... he's getting buttfucked in the coaching department. I hope this upset happens, it would be so choice. I can't count the Mavs out after winning like 200 games this year, but they look done.

Remember all that "Dirk for MVP" crap? Isn't it going to look kind of stupid if they give it to him now? He has vanished. He has become marshmallowy. The right choice for MVP, of course, is nothing new - Steven Nash.
Dirk, 2007 playoffs (4 games): 20 ppg / 11.5 rpg / 2.3 apg / 41% fg / 20% 3pt

Nash: 15.8 ppg / 2.8 rpg / 15 apg (!) / 46% fg / 50% 3pt

Dirk's numbers arent bad, they just aren't great. 20% from 3 point range? That is pretty terrible. And of course, Dallas is in a 3-1 hole while Phoenix looks like they're flushing the last turd of the putrid dump that is the Lakers down the toilet.

I know it's a small sample size, but still. Shutup, jerks.

I love seeing Mark Cuban with that dejected look on his face. Awesome, awesome stuff.

Asshole of the week

The fist ever asshole of the week award goes to:

Los Angeles Lakers fans. Cheering when Amare Stoudemire went down after being hit in the face? Classy. Chanting "MVP!" for Kobe even though he'll probably come in like 9th place? Sweet. Fairweather douchebags? You bet.

The Lakers are fucking done. Deal with it, you blowhards. You're about to get buttfucked out of the first round by Phoenix for the second straight year.

Pardon my editorial laugh, but ha, ha, ha.

Self aggrandizing, delusional asswipes, the lot of you. Fuck off, and may you all burn in hell for all eternity when California mercifully detaches from the continental U.S. and slides into the Pacific.

Don't reproduce if... (part 2)

a quick update on how to keep idiots from overpopulating the world:

11. You watch "Deal or No Deal". I can't condone this in any fashion. Why don't they just call it "opening briefcases super terrific douche hour"? It would at least sound cool. People who are entertained by this are the same people who watch soap operas. It's stupid. Knock it off.

12. You cheer for colleges that you didn't attend, especially Notre Dame. Come on. Just because you ate breakfast at an IHOP in Cleveland once doesn't mean you're an honorary OSU Buckeye. You're embarassing yourself. And especially in the case of Notre Dame... I mean, I can kind of understand it if you went there, but... otherwise, why? I can't understand. EVERYONE hates Notre Dame. EVERYONE.

13. You think fad diets are the key to weight loss. At what point did humanity become so stupid and lazy that we decided that the hamburger bun is worse for us than the hamburger? I am glad Dr. Atkins is dead, otherwise I would off him myself for starting this whole bullshit "no carbs" movement. You want a way to lose some weight, fat ass? Stop eating so much. Also, a little exercise wouldn't kill you either, you fat fucking slobs. Stop eating butterburgers and stretching out the ass on your jeans and go for a run if you're fat. Fuck.

14. You DON'T watch "South Park". This show is awesome. People who don't like it say it goes too far, it's gross, it offends just for the sake of offending. They are wrong. Maybe it is gross, that's subjective; but the point of "going too far" is to show you that there is no such thing. It stampedes across the invisible lines of conduct that govern our wussy, politically correct social infrastructure to show you how absurd those lines are in the first place. Like the show says, "either it's all okay to make fun of, or none of it is." Take a pick, you self-absorbed, humorless dicks. You don't like South Park? Well, then you don't like intelligent satire. This, by definition, makes you a moron.

15. You dance. Or like dancing. Dancing is about the most ridiculous thing that human beings do. You look fucking stupid when you do it. All white girls dance the same anyway, with their arms stretched up over their head, shaking their hips. That barely even counts as dancing. It's stupid. You're a fuckfaced moron if you've ever uttered the following phrases:

"Let's dance."

"I love dancing."

"That's such a cool dance."

"I wish I could dance like that."

"This song makes me want to dance."

"I love 'Sex & the City'. That show is hilarious."

Okay, that last one has nothing to do with dancing but is still true. I will close with a short bit from an episode of "Seinfeld", on dancing:

Jerry's girlfriend: (shocked, excited) You've never been dancing before?

Jerry: (overly enthusiastic to the point of sarcasm) No - because it's so stupid!

Pretty much sums it up right there. Much more on the way.

Things I hate about basketball

Number one on this list was going to be Joey Crawford, but... you know. Anyhoo, basketball is my favorite sport to watch and play. Playoff time is my favorite time of year. But their are some things about the game that make me want to throw my shoe through the TV and hang myself. Here they are.

Whistle-happy referees. Keep the fucking thing in your pocket, no one came to an NBA game to see Violet Palmer blow her fucking whistle. In game 3 of Detroit / Orlando tonight, 4 fouls were called on Flip Murray and Keyon Dooling (two apiece) in a span of about 23 seconds (give or take). Two completely inconsequential players eating up minute after minute of my time when all I want is for this shitty game to be over with so the Suns / Lakers game could start. Knock it off, you jerks. And Joey Crawford - fuck you, buddy. Long overdue.

Slow it down! What I mean by this is after a team makes a basket, instead of letting the other team take it out of bounds to throw it into their point guard and start down the floor, the team that just made the basket will grab the ball, throwing it to the ref instead. This impedes the flow of the game and is just plain annoying. Yeah, no one wants to watch Phoenix fast break anyway, why don't you just go ahead and take the extra 2 seconds to set up your shitty defense, you shitfaced cock-masters.

Dick Vitale. I hate him. I fucking hate every word that comes out of his mouth. He was a shitty coach, and he's an even shittier announcer. I hope he chokes.

Annoying energy guys. This idea came to me while watching Ronny Turiaf on the sidelines, in full warmup gear, dancing around, and doing fruity little cheers, joking around with his teammates. This tool probably sees like 6 minutes of garbage time per game, yet he never fucking sits down. Knock it off, you look like an ass.

Lakers fans. Pompous douches in every sense of the word. Washed up, hacky celebrities like Dyan Cannon and Ryan O'Neal dispensing advice on "what's wrong with the Lakers?" Who cares what they think? And who the fuck is Dyan Cannon? I know what's wrong with the Lakers - they suck cock. And Jack is the shit, but come on. Is he really allowed to cheer for the Lakers and the Yankees, the two most visible and glamorous franchises in the history of pro sports? Isn't there some kind of law against this? Give me a fucking break. The Raples Center is full of cocks.

Oh, and you assholes can stop the "MVP!" chants whenever Kobe is on the line. Never gonna happen. Not in this fuckin life.

Team spirit. I don't mean that really, but one thing does bug me - when a player is down, why can't they accept the hand of an opposing player to help them back up? They're making a nice gesture. Waiting for a teammate to do the same thing 12 seconds later is really a meathead thing to do. And that's really more of a football thing. That sport is full of fucking meatheads.

WNBA commercials. Stop it. Just stop it already.

Who has the biggest balls?

Only someone who kicks as much ass as I do would make first round playoff picks with most series having already gone two games. Why? Because it's easier now!

WESTERN CONFERENCE

#1 Dallas Mavericks vs. #8 Golden State Warriors
pre series pick - Dallas in 6
after seeing a game - Golden State in 6

I don't think this is much of an upset. Dallas looks soft. Dirk looks tenative. They're playing very tense, missing free throws they usually make, turning the ball over, committing dumb fouls. Nellie is in Avery's head. Baron Davis and Stephen Jackson are playing pissed off. Monta Ellis is awesome. Also affecting this pick is the fact that I hate several Maverick players; Stackhouse, Devin Harris, Buckner, and Dampier all annoy me. Especially Stackhouse. Fucking tool. Nice singing voice.

#2 Phoenix Suns vs. #7 Los Angeles Lakers
pre series pick - Suns in 5
after seeing two games - Suns in 4

The Lakers suck. Luke Walton sucks. Smush Parker and Farmar suck. Kwame is awful. Brian Cook, Maurice Evans? Oh, they suck. Sasha Vujacic is awful. Kobe is predictably awesome.

On the other hand, the Suns are awesome. Nash is awesome. Stoudemire is awesome. Matrix is awesome. Barbosa is fucking amazing. Nash will eat Farmar's lunch, Phoenix will stampede over L.A., and I would be fucking shocked if the Lakers won a single game.

#3 San Antonio Spurs vs. #6 Denver Nuggets
pre series pick - Spurs in 6
after seeing two games - Nuggets in 7

I don't like the Spurs. They are too old, too slow, too boring. If AI and Melo bring it consistently, the Nuggets have a better than average shot to win this. Camby is a beast and Nene is looking awesome lately. Meanwhile, Bowen (asshole), Ginobli (nice bald spot), and Duncan (crybaby taintface) are still douchebags. Horry and Oberto too. Who the hell is Oberto? He looks like encino man.

#4 Utah Jazz vs. #5 Houston Rockets
pre series pick - Rockets in 6
after seeing 2 games - Rockets in 6

Nothing has changed in this prediction... the Jazz are still pretty good, Boozer and Williams are both pretty awesome, Okur should be able to make Yao uncomfortable on D, and I think Utah will win at least one at home. But, Houston has the best two players in the series and no one can guard Yao. Plus, Sloan is getting nothing out of AK47, which is mystifying to me. He could be a difference maker, but instead he's crying about PT.


EASTERN CONFERENCE

#1 Detroit Pistons vs. #8 Orlando Magic
pre series pick - Pistons in 4
after seeing two games - Pistons in four.

No surprise here. Orlando is pretty terrible except for Dwight Howard, who is immeasurably awesome at basketball. I'd be shocked if this wasn't a sweep.

#2 Cleveland Cavaliers vs. #7 Washington Wizards
pre series pick - Cavs in 4
after seeing two games - Cavs in 4

Would have been interesting with Gilbert and Caron, but this is a wash now. There is no contest here. LeBron doesn't even have to play that well to beat this Wizards team.

#3 Toronto Raptors vs. #6 New Jersey Nets
pre series pick - Nets in 6
after seeing two games - Nets in 7

I don't really think Toronto is that good; too inexpirienced, too young, and too streaky. Only one really good player, a pretty good PG, and a nice rook. Otherwise, what is there? Mo Pete?

The Nets, on the other hand, have three very good players, including RJ with his gay ass "RJ" tattoo. They have a lot of other pieces that I like as well, like B. Nachbar, M. Moore, A. Wright, J. Boone, and M. Williams. It wouldn't surprise me at all if they went deep in this thing, but Toronto will still be pesky.

#4 Miami Heat vs. #5 Chicago Bulls
pre series pick - Heat in 7
after seeing two games - Bulls in 4

Talk about a swing. The Bulls look tough. Tyrus is the man. BG and Deng are both pouring it in. The Heat suddenly look done; and injured Wade, an old Shaq, and a bunch of crumb bums.

Nocioni is a fag, though.

Eat it, jerks!

Alex Rodriguez, 2007, 18 games:

.400 AVG / .453 OBP / 1.506 OPS
14 HR / 34 RsBI / 30 H / 26 R

Derek Jeter, 2007, 18 games:

.316 AVG / .382 OBP / .774 OPS
1 HR / 6 RsBI / 25 H / 17 R

Oh, he has more errors, too. Anyone want to blame this on A-Rod?

Fucking morons.

Don't ever, ever reproduce if.... (part 1)

I know that this list will eliminate a lot of people from reproducing, but... that's the fucking point. You stupid morons need to stop having so many kids, the world is being overrun with idiots and douchebags. Onto the list. Please, don't reproduce if...

1. You watch NASCAR. Already covered why.

2. You listen to Rascal Flatts. Three fat fucks with frosted hair and bad falsetto = triple platinum recording artists? Bands like this are why lists like this exist. Air Supply was more hardcore than these fags.

3. You watch MTV. Already covered why.

4. You own cats. No need to explain.

5. You hang beads or dice or something gay from your car mirror. Why would anyone do this? "Oh, these are my beads from when me and girls were out partying... we party so hard." No one cares, no one is impressed that you showed off your sub-standard tits for a shitty plastic necklace. Good-bye dignity. I hope those beads/ dice/ whatever get in your line of sight and cause you to crash your car.

6. You have a MySpace page. There are two exceptions to this one. First - if you are under 16, go ahead. After that, you get your license and go out and start drinking and dick-slapping whores. Second, if you are famous, and you don't really run your MySpace page, but use it for promotional reasons. Everyone else is fucking sad. "Oooh, look at me, I have 19 friends on MySpace! Surely this will fill the gaping void in my personal life, while at the same time disguising the fact that I have no personality. I think I'll go leave a message for Brady Quinn! He totally let me on his friends list! He's so fucking hot!" Stupid assholes. They really think that Brady Quinn, or Paul McCartney is sitting at a computer deciding who he wants to be his internet friends. Wake up, jerks.

7. You voted for George W. Bush. The first time, I'll let stand. But for a second term? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, you're all a bunch of hopeless, low I.Q. assholes.

8. You vote for any American Idol contestant. Watching is bad enough, but spending money to vote on a karaoke contest is bordering on mental retardation.

9. You own a cowboy hat, and you're not a cowboy. Cowboys get to wear cowboy hats. That's why they're called "cowboy hats". It never fails to go to a music festival or something, and hundreds of fucking ass-clowns are walking around with Kenny Chesney t-shirts and a fucking 10 gallon hat. Or lame chicks who think putting on a cowboy hat and dancing around to "Save a horse, ride a cowboy" is awesome and hot or something. It's not. Again, it's a COWBOY hat. When they invent a "idiotic, impressionable, personality-challenged douche" hat, you'll be the first to know.

10. You watch "Grey's Anatomy". This goes double if you call it "Grey's". For this, I will smash your face with a shovel. This is the worst, sappiest, shittest, most annoying show on TV right now, something I never thought I would say about another show as long as "Desperate Housewives" was still on the air. On this show, adding the prefix "mc" in front of every word equals comedy. Examples that fans of this show use in everyday life:

"My ass hurts from getting Mcbutt-fucked last night."

"My Mcvagina is loose and flappy. And it smells."

"I can't get this brown stuff off of my Mcteeth."

"I can't believe I Mcate the whole thing at once."

"Those animals are so fucking Mcfunny."

Guess what? This show Mcsucks my giant Mcballs. Fucking Mcjerks. There is plenty more to come. Or is there?

There is. Unless....

No really. Tons more.

BIGGEST DOUCHE ALIVE

Colin Cowherd, suck my motherfucking cock. I know you'll enjoy it, you ugly piece of shit.

Back off, you shitfaced cock-master.

TheBigLead.com will be back, you ass-pirate. Fuck off. If you suck at your job, you deserve to have people tell you so. So, Colin Cowherd, allow me to say:

you fucking suck. At everything. Even being a pussy, which is what you're best at.

Don't like it? Fight me.