Kids don't make the rules

Little kids just bug the shit out of me. Usually, its just as much the parent's fault, like when a 3 year old is sitting in a movie theater watching a 3 hour movie like King Kong (what kind of parent takes a 3 year old to a monster movie?) and crying and whining the whole time. Or on an airplane when some shitty kid just won't shutup about Pokemon cards or Dora the Explorer, and also whining, and the parents just let it continue as long as they want. Why? Newsflash:

If you don't discipline your kids once in a while, they're going to grow up to be insufferable pricks and / or annoying pussies. Don't just let a stupid kid whine in the back of the car because you're "used to it". Tell the kid to shut up. If that doesn't work, smack the little shit. Be a fucking parent, don't just act overwhelmed. You're supposedly responsible for your kid's lives. Act like it once in a while.

By always looking the other way, you idiots are ruining the quality of life of everyone else around you by allowing your annoying shithead of a kid to be loud and disruptive. If you want to let kids run wild at home, then fine. Who am I to argue with that? Just don't expect me (or any other non-crazy person) to want to join you in your pussy-ass universe.

Which leads me to the point of this post... have you ever seen this piece of shit called "Supernanny"? Even for reality TV, this is pretty bad. Basically, lousy parents have a hard time controlling their lousy kids, so a fat British lady wearing a mumu (seriously) comes to the house and maintains order. The mom always ends up crying that she has it so hard, and she's tried everything, blah blah blah. Here's a suggestion:

HIT YOUR KID IF IT WON'T LISTEN. THEY'RE NOT LISTENING BECAUSE THEY KNOW NOTHING WILL HAPPEN IF THEY CHOOSE NOT TO.

There's a huge difference between child abuse and smacking your kid in the name of discipline. Child abuse is taking out aggression about your life onto an innocent kid who didn't do anything wrong. Smacking a kid who won't listen is an act of love. When you do it, you're saying, "I don't want you to turn into a goth or be a fucking wierdo or headcase because you found it so easy to avoid discipline your entire life."

It's like parents think that if they discipline their kids, they won't love them anymore. Stop being such a pussy! If your kid doesn't do what you tell it to, don't give up and reward it with dessert and hugs! Shit, my dad used to toss me around once in a while, but I don't hold a grudge. If anything, I wish he would've done it more often, now that I see the adult point of view.

God, you idiots make me sick! If you don't want to crack the whip with your shitty kids once in awhile, then why the fuck did you have kids in the first place? It's not like a really cute pet, it's a human life. Stop reproducing, all of you, before the world is overrun with whiny, sniveling, pompous fruits who think that the world runs on their feelings.

The ultimate defeat in life is when your kid won't listen, and you have to call in an obese Brit to make things right. That is when you know your true failure as a human being.

The women's rights movement just keeps stalling...

Honestly, March is the best time of year for basketball fans. The NCAA tournament provides non-stop action for 4 straight days, with millions upon millions of brackets and dollars hanging in the balance. Also, "cinderella" teams often are darlings of the media, such as 13 seed (!) Bradley University and their surefire NBA prospect, Center Patrick O'Bryant, and 11 seed George Mason, which ousted not only my elite 8 pick, Michigan State (the last time I trust Tom Izzo) but also perennial media fave and defending champion North Carolina. But instead of reading about that this morning on SI.com or ESPN.com or Sportsline.com, I was reading about "tournament history".

Okay.

I'm a basketball buff. I like basketball history. Certainly, the NCAA has plenty of history to talk about and to be made... so what was it? New scoring record? Biggest upset of all time? Most teams from one conference winning or losing? Highest scoring game? Longest fucking three pointer?

No, no, no, no, and sadly, no.

This "history" was made in the women's NCAA tournament (shudder). If that doesn't sound bad enough, wait until you hear the rest.

This so-called history occurred when... a female basketball player...

...dunked TWICE in a single game.

Honestly. Who gives a flying fuck? So what? The female in question is Candace Parker, a Tennessee player who unquestionably possesses basketball talent - but really. Who cares? She dunked twice? Oh my God!

The headlines include such masterpieces as "Parker Dunks Way Into History" and "Jam Session". So fucking what? Did you see Rudy Gay windmill that fucking thing against Kentucky the other day? That shit was ridiculous. Or Rodney Carney's alley-oop against Bucknell?

Oops. I forgot, they aren't female , and therefore aren't making history.

How fucking lame. Women want equal this and equal that, but when it really comes down to anything, they really want what I call "special rights", not equal rights. They want something when it's beneficial to them, and push it off on men when it isn't.

FUCK OFF.

Those dunks were so shitty. Check the tape. Look at the pictures. She barely manages to grab the fucking rim. The ball doesn't even look like it's going in at first. How embarassing if that is your history-making moment.

Her own coach said she was "just relieved that she wasn't hurt" following said dunks. How lame is that? Does anyone worry about Andre Iguodala after he tomahawks over some douche like Jerome James in the middle of a game? Or when Josh Smith slams home a reverse on a fast break? Or when LeBron dunks on anyone? Of course not, because if someone did say that, they'd be laughed out of the fucking building, and everyone would think that LeBron, Josh, and Andre were fucking pussies. It's bad enough that basketball fans have to see shitty commercials for the fucking WNBA every 4 minutes while watching real hoops, but now we have to swallow two shitty dunks as "history" and evidence that "the game is changing"?

You females should stick to watching "Friends", "Sex & the City", and "American Idol", because when you think you're making basketball history, you're just embarassing yourself.

P.S. - No one gives a shit about the women's tournament, because there are never any upsets and the same 4 teams are always in the final 4. Ever seen anyone fill out a women's bracket come tournament time? Didn't think so. Now go cook me a fucking steak and shut up.

Old white men powers, activate!

Ever since the announcement about the new book "Game of Shadows" came out in Sports Illustrated, you can't even turn around without some old white guy saying that Bonds should retire because he's a disgrace to the game and his name should be stricken from the books for his accomplishments.

Rick Reilly, Mike Celizic, Gene Wojciechowski, Jim Rome and all the other asswipes writing shit about Bonds - you need to shut up, now.

Yeah, so Barry took steroids. Maybe I'm in the minority when I say that I honestly don't care. I don't care that he's a jackass, which he obviously is. He is the best baseball player I'll probably ever get to see play and I'd rather he broke as many records as possible.

And here's a newsflash - Barry Lamar Bonds was great before the 1999 season, supposedly his first on steroids. His career numbers to that point:
OPS+ = 163 (Willie Mays career OPS+ = 156)
RC27 = 8.28 (Hank Aaron career RC27 = 7.65)

And if you aren't into "nerd" stats, here's some more common ones:
HR = 416
RBI = 1222
SB = 442 (at a success rate of 76%!)

And if you like even more meaningless numbers:
3 time MVP
8 Gold Gloves
40-40 club

So to say his numbers are meaningless or should have a big asterisk (Jay Mariotti, I hate you so much) next to them is ridiculously stupid. Barry was the best all-around player in the league for at least a decade. If Bonds was angry that people were paying attention to a fucking loser like Mark McGwire, maybe people should think about that. McGwire was obviously a 'roid monster too, but no one is attacking his character and writing hilarious (so sarcastic I just hurt myself) pieces in Sports Illustrated about fans mocking him for using "moo juice"(?) Why not? He wasn't half the player Bonds was. Ever. Want proof?

McGwire pre 1998 (probably on steroids anyway, who knows for sure?)
OPS+ = 162
RC27 = 7.16

Not terribly unfavorable, right? Where's the McGwire "moo juice" articles then? Oh, they must be taking his defense and speed into consideration.
Gold Gloves = 1
Career SB = 12
MVP = 0

Yeah. McGwire was a one dimensional slugger who wasn't even as good as the pre-steroids Bonds at slugging, and everyone washed his fucking balls because he was such a great guy. Only when he was called to testify in front of Congress, he was a big, sweaty, nervous asshole.

Fact is, neither one of them did anything illegal (at the time, anyway). Bonds produced the greatest offensive seasons in the history of baseball. Period. Also, for about a decade, he was the most dominant all around player in the game, and is arguably the most feared hitter of all time. So unless Rick Reilly and Mike Celizic and Jim Rome and Jay Mariotti and Woody Paige and Skip Bayless and Gene Wojciechowski and the rest of these assholes who are afraid to see Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron's numbers get blown out of the water start bitching and moaning about Sosa, McGwire, Palmiero, and anyone else from the last 20 years or so, do everyone a favor:

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

You Don't like Barry Bonds. We get it. Eat shit.

What a bunch of cocks.

Get over yourselves, and die already

I was getting set to write about how much I hate attention grabbing whores like Ashlee and Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan, when I read that Isaac Hayes, the voice of Chef on "South Park", left the show. He said he couldn't stand the way they lampooned people's religions and felt it was mean, I guess.

Actually, he left because he's a fucking pussy and even worse, a scientologist (no, I will not capitalize it) and he didn't like them making fun of his shitty religion, or cult, or whatever he wants to call it. He didn't have any problem with "Operation: Get Behind the Darkies" from the South Park movie, or having his character tell a 4th grader where the clitoris is, but now he takes a moral stand? Eat shit and die, you fucking asswipe.

These fucking asshole celebrities who think they can act morally superior to others because they follow scientology or kaballah or some other bullshit is infuriating. The worst perpetrators:

MADONNA - You fucking old whore. No one cares about your shitty red bracelet. Your conversion to this crap is about as genuine as your British accent was a few years back. And stop dancing around in a fucking leotard, you're like 50 years old for crying out loud. You make me sick, your skin looks like meringue, and you are the WORST FUCKING ACTRESS EVER. Worse than Jennifer Lopez even. Worse than Denise Richards! You also haven't had a hit record or movie or anything in ages and at this point more people would pay you to keep clothes on than take them off.

She thinks she can boss everyone around and act like a fucking bitch and pretend like she's been Jewish all her life and no one will call her on it because she's MADONNA. Madonna was a pop icon like 20 years ago, but now people are just amazed when they see her in public without a walker. I hope she breaks a hip. And by "breaks a hip", I mean "gets severely beaten by a gang of angry rabbis wielding sacks filled with doorknobs". What a dirty, dirty whore. Just typing her name makes me feel like I need a shower. FUCK OFF.

TOM CRUISE - Tom used to make good movies before he went completely insane. Now he just plays himself in every movie, the short guy who looks like he's trying too hard to smile and laugh. And this just in - scientology is bullshit. A religion (cult) started by a flaming science fiction writer has got to be some kind of sick joke. Some alien lord named xenu froze a bunch of aliens and dropped them into volcanoes on Earth, then harvested them and showed them a 3D movie and allowed them to roam free on the planet? That sounds like the worst short story I've ever heard of, and this miniature ass-clown thinks its a religion? And Tom, if you want to follow a bunch of fucking lunatics and dissapear into the forest forever to fuck xenu in the ass, feel free. But DO NOT sit around and discredit other people's beliefs and become angry when someone calls your pile of shit into question. And seriously, stop denying that you're gay already. Everyone knows it. Loudly denying it is making it worse. Look at Keanu Reeves, everyone used to say that he was gay, he ignored it, and now you never hear it. The way he keeps denying it, it doesn't take l. ron hubbard to figure out what's going on...

I hope some bitter pharmacist sees Tom Cruise on the street, shoots him with a bow & arrow, and dares him not to take painkillers. Then kicks him in the head 200 times for being such a self centered asshole. Fucking cocksucker.

I'll see you in hell, Tom and Madonna. (From Heaven).

Funny hats, trucks, and tight pants

Those are the things that the average man (i.e. me) conjures up in his mind when the subject of country "music" comes up. Why do people who listen to it find it necessary to drive a pickup truck and wear tight Wranglers? Country music is gay and worthless. Country radio stations always play the same 7 songs, and most of them are sappy ballads by fruits like Keith Urban who cry about women and rhyme "pain" with "rain". How original. What's next, rhyming "high" with "sky"?

Seriously, though. Garth Brooks made the only listenable country music ever. Faith Hill tried to copy Shania Twain by being "hot", but she sucks and has no tits. Pansies like Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney are bald little shit-eaters who like to talk about stuff they think is cool, like drinking whiskey, but probably go swimming with t-shirts on to cover their man-tits. Toby Keith is an asshole who thinks he's tough but would probably get beaten in a fight by Jeff Gordon. And his music is sickening, from "The Angry American" to... whatever else he has put out. I'm an angry fucking American too, because every musician always talks about how hard it is to break into the music business, but a cock like Toby Keith can do it. You make me sick.

Last year, I'm told, a girl won American Idol who now is acheiving a modicum of success as a country singer. I am quick to remind people who point this out that being a successful country singer is akin to being the tallest man at a midget convention. Or the straightest man at a Cher concert. Or the most attractive woman who watches "The View". Or being thin compared to Oprah... you get the idea.

And then there's the country music TV station. It's bad (and embarassing, really) enough that they copied MTV's (lame) TRL with the unfortunately titled "CRL" (country request live - why, God?). But I recently noticed on my digital cable guide a show titled "Trick my Truck", which is an obvious attempt to copy MTV's "Pimp my Ride". Nice job furthering the stereotype of country music listeners as braindead hicks who fuck their relatives and drive shitty trucks to work at the fertilizer factory.

Also, Big & Rich (stupid name for a band, sounds like a shitty candy bar) try to distance themselves from the rest of the country music pack by adding a (gasp!) black guy in a cowboy hat named "Cowboy Troy" - who raps? Too bad they still suck and say the phrase "comin' to your citay" in every one of their songs, and then rhyme it with "pritay" (hickspeak for pretty, I think.) The painful silence following their halftime performance at last year's NBA All-Star game was only topped in hilarity by Charles Barkley's response to their gargantuanly bad showing:

"Big & Rich? I hope whoever put that halftime show together is getting their resume ready."

Amen, Charles.

The Worst Shows on TV

And no, it does not count reality TV, because that sucks so much that this list would have to be 17 million shows long. These shows suck because the people in them suck, because the people who watch them suck, and because they keep coming back. In no particular order:

FRIENDS - Yeah, I know, this shitty show is no longer airing new episodes (thank you, God) but it is still on enough in syndication to warrant a spot. This piece of shit throws a bunch of assholes into New York City (how original) and hilarity is supposed to ensue for some reason... but it doesn't. Next time it's on, watch the reactions of so-called "Friends fans". In all likelihood, they will not even laugh once, instead spewing some bullshit about how they like Jennifer Aniston, or "this is the one where Rachel and Ross get together". Well, I got news for you, that's the story of EVERY FUCKING EPISODE EVER. Here's your Friends checklist for the next time you see an episode:
1. David Schwimmer acts like a bumbling asshole to impress some broad, usually Jennifer Aniston, and then whines like a bitch when it doesn't work out. Also, he has about 19 marriages over the course of the show.
2. Matt LeBlanc makes lame come-on attempt to a woman or women. If not, he is talking at length about how much he likes to eat (?) So he eats a lot - why is that funny?
3. Lisa Kudrow (worthless) has an "out there" scheme or some wierd project, like picking up a badge and suddenly pretending to be a Police Officer (forget that it's illegal, it's hilarious... no, it is not.) Also, Kudrow will make outrageous claims like "coins have never forgiven her" or something gay. STUPID.
4. Jennifer Aniston having some kind of family trouble, or trouble with her job, or trouble with her boyfriend. We get it, she can be pretty and still have problems. She also stumbles over delivering most of her lines, and sounds like a fucking spastic most of the time (not that I wouldn't bang her).
5. Matthew Perry making jokes that the other "friends" should laugh at, but don't. I feel bad for him usually. Collect bonus points for keeping track of how many times he gets together with Janice. Even more points to the person who can tally how many times his weight shifts from "fat" to "normal".
6. Courtney Cox cleaning something or screwing Tom Selleck to distract the audience from the fact that she's not funny. Also she says the word "sweetie" at least 14 times per episode.
There you have it. Friends managed to turn 8 episodes of stories into a 10 year run. Congratulations, America, I hate you.

SEX AND THE CITY - Patty and Selma on "The Simpsons" said it best - it's a show about four women who act like gay men. Annoying gay men. When the girl with the lazy eye is the best looking one, you're in trouble. Besides her, you have the Nappy Flamer, Toucan Sam (follow me nose!), and the sagging corpse of Kim Cattrall. She always plays a slutty lady who constantly beds younger men, but there's one HUGE problem - she's older than my dad. I saw her on the cover of FHM or something a couple of years ago, with the tagline "I like younger men..." next to her picture. No shit, grandma! All the men older than you are already dead (or dying)! And men want to have sex with these ancient sluts WHY?
P.S. - Talking about designer shoes and purses and shit does not make your show cool. Try working on the dialogue and stories more, and the fashion less, you fucking assholes. Saying "Manolo Blahnik" is only worthwhile if it has something to do with the story. Otherwise, I might as well be watching the home shopping network. And if the ladies on the home shopping network looked like these whores, I'd change the channel faster than I do now.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - What a disaster. Not much different from Sex and the City, really. You have another nappy flamer. You have another sagging corpse (Nicollete Sheridan, cheating death for another week). One girl that I would bang retarded, and another broad that no one gives a shit about. And they all do horrible, horrible things to each other and people they supposedly care about. And I guess this is supposed to be empowering to women. Kill me. The worst show on TV right now, and by a large margin.
P.S. Nicollete Sheridan is engaged to Michael Bolton! You can't make this stuff up.

ALIAS - Never seen a whole episode, but Jennifer Garner is just plain ugly. She should have been a prizefighter with that jaw. And she is married to and has a child by Ben Affleck, by far the worst actor in the world. By the way, how was "Elektra"? And "13 Going On 30"? Thought so.

WILL & GRACE - Yeah, we get it. The guy's gay. Hilarious. Anything else? No? Really? That's too bad. Also, Debra Messing is hideous. Have you ever looked at her for more than 2 seconds? It's frightening.

MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE - Stupid, stupid, stupid. The Muniz kid is such a shit-eating twat, I want to punch him right in his ugly face. And he made (more than one!) "Agent Cody Banks" movie. And the dad is always finding a way to get into his underwear, to shave his back, or dance, or some bullshit. NOT FUNNY.

COMMANDER IN CHIEF - When I first saw previews for it, I thought it was a comedy. A woman President? In the USA? Come on. Our country would be shitty and hopeless within a week. Shutup, ladies. Another worthless attempt at empowerment. Can't you just be happy that females have won 3 of 4 "American Idol" contests?

GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW - George Lopez, a mexican guy, makes (bad) jokes about being mexican. Or something. Basically, this is all he talks about on talk shows and in his stand-up routines (yes, he is a standup comedian!) Also, his wife on the show is far too hot for him. Congratulations, you're a minority... now get off my TV, asshead.

LOST - "Castaway" if it dragged itself out to about a 40 hour movie. No one cares. People are stuck on an island. There are hardships that go with it. We know, we saw "Gilligan's Island" like 40 years ago. Running out of ideas? I think there might be aliens, or dinosaurs, or something else on the island... great, except you can't keep dragging that out forever. Either there are aliens and/or dinosaurs, or there aren't. There's never a food shortage or famine when you need one. Can't they all just die already?

SCRUBS - Zach Braff is an asshole, who likes Coldplay (and probably U2). That should tell you enough. But if not, just know that a lame hospital show with Donald Faison and that guy from "Office Space" is not a good recipe. It gives people horrible diarrhea. If Zach Braff is a doctor, then I am Galactic Emperor, because he is a giant douche.

There are tons of other shows, mostly on the WB and UPN, that suck balls also, but that's a little too easy. People actually like the shows on this list. Sure, I could make fun of "Half & Half", "Girlfriends", "The Parkers", or "Beautiful People", but no one would know what the fuck I was talking about.

If you watch these shows, you are a tool and should be beaten in a public place.

Sorry, Jim Boeheim...

...but Gerry McNamara is kind of overrated. I can understand Boeheim's argument that his senior leadership is a valuable commodity, especially at tournament time. And honestly this is not the best time to make this argument, as he Gerry led Syracuse to the Big East championship... but.... that doesn't make him less overrated. If anything, hearing Bill Raftery and Steve Lavin and whoever else sarcastically say, "yeah, he sure is overrated!" just makes me think he is MORE overrated. Right now, he might be the most overrated player in college basketball, besides J.J. Redick.

Allow me to explain.

1. Since his freshman year, his turnovers per game have increased every season, from 2.4 per game as a freshman to 3.3 as a senior. His assist/turnover ratio is exactly the same as it was four years ago (1.82), basically nullifying his career high 6 assists per game this year.
2. His three point shooting and field goal percentages hit an all-time low this year (.356 fg%, .339 3pt%).
3. The guy is a chucker, plain and simple. Out of Syracuse's 34 games this season, he shot 10 or more 3 pointers 15 times! That's one more than J.J. Redick for crying out loud! By the way, Redick, who I hate, outscored Gerry by over 11 points per game, and shot 8% better from three point land this year. The only player in the NCAA who shot more threes for a worse percentage this season is some asshole named Keekee Clark, from St. Peter's (?). McNamara's percentage is not even within shouting distance of the top 100.

Plus, it was hilarious to see him sitting next to Boeheim (who I actually like) at that press conference the other day with his head bowed down like he was going to cry. He's just such a fucking weenie.

Over-analysis, anyone?

You know it's going to be frustrating when Charles Barkley is the voice of reason in an argument. For the last week or so since the preliminary 22 man roster for the next Olympic hoops team came out, analyst after shitty analyst has been shooting their load over the fact that Allen Iverson was not invited to try out. Some of the reasons mentioned are:

1. He's a great scorer.
2. He's fast.
3. He's "exciting" and "has flair" (Kenny Smith's words, not mine).
4. He's one of the most important players of this generation.
5. He "deserves it".

Now, before I point out how stupid most of these arguments are (yes, Bill Walton, Kenny Smith, Mike Tirico and anyone else - stupid) let me say that Allen Iverson has been one of my favorite basketball players for years. He's a blast to watch in person. He is, without question, one of the 10 or 12 best players in the league. But he simply is not suited for international play.

1. Yes, he is a great scorer. His career scoring average entering this season was 27.4 ppg. However, he averages 23.1 shots per game. That is 4 more shots per game that Kobe Bryant's career average (!). Also, Team USA doesn't need any more great scorers. They have Kobe, Dwyane Wade, Gilbert Arenas, Paul Pierce, and LeBron James, to name a few. Also, Vince Carter, Tracy McGrady (2-time scoring champ) and Ray Allen are "great scorers" too. Why is no one complaining about them being left off?
2. True. He is fast. So is Craig "Speedy" Claxton. So is T.J. Ford. And Sebastian Telfair, and Raymond Felton too. So what?
3. There are lots of other players on the roster who are just as "exciting" as Iverson. You could argue that James and Bryant, along with Amare Stoudemire, are more exciting. But since "being exciting" is a subjective quality (for the most part) I'm going to chalk this up to stupidity.
4. He probably is one of the more influential players of this generation. This argument holds some weight, but Colangelo and Coach K were probably not looking at cultural relevance when they put this roster together. I'm just guessing, since Bruce Bowen, Brad Miller, and Luke Ridnour are on the team.
5. Why does he deserve it? Because he is a great scorer and/or fast and full of flair? Colangelo has stated over and over again that he simply did not fit into their blueprint. They need players who can play roles, play man to man defense, and don't dominate the ball so much. Didn't anyone learn anything from the last Olympics?

Sure, there are some question marks on this team (Carmelo Anthony? Lamar Odom? Joe Johnson? Antawn Jamison?) but I think when the team is settled and they have a chance to play together you idiots will see that they made the right choice. Sorry, Allen. Now everyone shut the fuck up about it.

What the hell is wrong with people...

...who create these fashion based reality TV shows? Specifically, I'm referring to "America's Next Top Model" and "Project Runway", which consecutively form one of the shittiest 2 hour programming blocks ever. "America's Top Model" is probably worse, considering first prize only earns you a date with Peter Brady and it has the incredibly vapid and punchable Tyra Banks as its host. She is on TV far too much these days, blabbing on about bullshit that no one cares about, when she should be bouncing up and down for an hour instead. The contestants on this show range from "offensively ugly" to "everyday ugly" and they all seem to think that they are the greatest thing since breast implants (which, I'm sorry to report, none of them appear to have). Also the show features Janice Dickinson. If you don't know who she is, consider yourself lucky. She is an 83 year old lady (I think) who seems to think it is 1945 and she is the most beautiful model in the world. She is also under the impression that people care what she thinks. Why? Because she used to be a model! If I met any of them in person I would punch them in the face and tell them that no one cares about shitty models who may or may not win their equivalent of "Star Search" and to go back to whatever leper colony they came from. Janice Dickinson I would hit with a frying pan just for fun and to watch her cry. These people are all worthless! Can anyone on Earth name any person who has ever become "the next top model"? No, so shut up and go back to your job at Bath & Body Works, you fucking losers.

"Project Runway" sucks ass too, but not quite as much. I don't think I can go into detail without breaking into hives, so I'll just say this - their idea of a "celebrity guest judge" for a fashion show (or some piece of shit) was Debra Messing. Yeah, that old lady from "Will & Grace" who looks like and pelican. And she criticizes people on their style. Or something. Anyway, the point is, she is ugly and the show is stupid and pointless because no one wears hideous shit like the stuff they design anyway.

Ugh. I feel gay just writing about this crap.