I Hate You For Many Reasons, Including Your Weight

I hate how easily people get offended these days. Everyone is always taking everything seriously and no one has a sense of humor anymore. Here's a recent example, and when the story is over, you'll know why I'm going to prison for around 25-40 years.

I was talking to some people the other day, and some stupid idiot brought up that one of his college professors had a theory that all women were robots. He seriously said this. I don't know if he was joking, or if the professor was having some silly-ass inside joke or if they're just both retards, but we started to talk about it. My two cents?

"I don't think so. Because if they were, there would be no fatties. I mean, who would build a fat robot?"

In case you can't tell, this is a fucking joke, and a damn funny one if I don't say so myself. Around this time, some dumpy asshole who I never met before (he was there with someone else I knew) gets this annoyed look on his face. He sits up, and says, "do you even know what you're talking about?" in a voice so annoying it made me want to skin him alive.

I replied, "what about robots? Why are you still here?" (the last part of this quote may not have happened) and then ignored him for a while, as everyone else did. Some other douche nearby said (a little too enthusiastically), "I fucking LOVE fatties!" I saw another opportunity for a quick joke.

"People like fatties now? What a time to be alive." The last sentence is a quote from The Simpsons. The first sentence is a joke. Get it? If people are fat, no one likes them. Rimshot! Not gold medal stuff, but any fat joke is a good fat joke to me. Remember that show "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"? Will Smith made like 78 trillion fat jokes at the expense of the estimable James Avery. It was awesome.

At this point, the dumpy asshole from earlier stood up and said something along the lines of, "as one of those so-called 'fatties' that joke is borderline offensive, and hurtful" or some shit. He was like seriously pissed off that I said those two sentences.

Remember how this story started? Some asshole was talking about robots, for fuck's sake. ROBOTS. And I made a joke about fatties, and this taint-licker had the balls to get worked up about it. Even worse, the other ass-head that he came with (he's no friend of mine) said something like "enough with the fat comments. Stop it."

Hold the fuck on. Remember the drunken douche who practically screamed about his love of fatties? Anyone think he was serious? Doubtful, considering most douchebags think its funny to say that, and follow it with some stupid reference to "cushion for the pushin'". Why did no one chastise him?

I mean, I can't stress this enough. This was a stupid conversation about robots. Female ones, at that. And while this fat asshole most likely is in possession of a blood-belching vagina, he is neither robot or female. My joke wasn't even directed at him, it was just a blanket statement that was dripping with sarcasm. Why is it my fault that he takes offense to it, when I barely was cognizant of his existence?

"You're offended by a stupid joke like that? I can do way worse than that. I thought we were talking about robots or some shit anyway, and if we were seriously talking about that in complete earnestness then I am going to have to slaughter all of you. Get a sense of humor, you joyless blowhards. If you're insecure about being fucking fat, don't take it out on me. I don't give a fuck if you're fat or skinny, alive or dead, you're a fuckfaced asshole either way and I feel personally embarrassed that I've ever been involved in the same conversation as you. But obviously, you do give a fuck if you're fat or skinny, so my advice to you is to stop being a fucking waste and go running once in a while."

And then I murdered him. That's why I have to go to jail now.