Maybe because you're queer

Jeff Garcia got his feelings hurt. He feels disrespected that his team reportedly attempted to upgrade the QB position by acquiring Brett Favre.

"I'm just a journeyman according to some people. Why should I have any hard feelings?" Garcia said with a slight smile. "I'm thankful to have this job. I might pay Bruce and Jon for bringing me out here."

Boo-hoo, you cockhog. He's much, much better than you. Deal with it.

Jeff Garcia: 38 years old
Brett Favre: 38 years old

Jeff Garcia, career: 22,825 passing yards, 149 TD
Brett Favre, career: 61,655 passing yards, 442 TD

A slight upgrade. So Jeff, if you would kindly choke, I would really appreciate it.

P.S. I had sex with your wife.

Dirk = great?

Look, I'm a Dirk Nowitzki fan at heart, I suppose. I remember in 1998, when the Bucks drafted him (I lived in Milwaukee at the time) and I said, "who the fuck is Dirk Nowitzki? Nice pick, you assholes."

When The Bucks traded him for the rights to the almighty Robert "Tractor" Traylor, it was pure awesome sauce. I mean, Traylor was a proven low post commodity at the time, and Dirk was a skinny German bitch with no inside game at a time when skinny 7 footers were not en vogue, to say nothing of the more recent trend of international draft picks. At the very least, it was a huge risk for Dallas. How'd that turn out?

Well, Traylor, besides being a fat piece of shit, is also a money laundering, drug dealer accomplisizng (not a word, tough shit) asshole. He is currently in jail, because he is a fat piece of shit who sucks at life.

Dirk, on the other hand, is the first European born NBA MVP (debate the merits of it all you want, he still won it. Personally, that award was Steve Nash's to win, and if not him, the LeBron, but I digress). He's a six time all star. And he forever changed how teams will scout overseas players in regards to the NBA game. When I was happy to trade him for Traylor, I was a 14 year old who had never even heard of international hoops. In other words, I wanted someone I had heard of.

Well, Dirk changed all that. He started the huge European influx of players, which is mostly good, besides the constant flopping (Ginobli and Oberto, you punk bitches, I'm looking right at you), and has lead to a lot of changes in the basketball landscape.

I mean, look at the NBA in 1998. The Bulls had just finished up 6 out of 8 with MJ at the helm. The dark shadow of the San Antonio "dynasty" loomed boringly up ahead. Lebron James was 14. Michael Olowokandi (who?) was the top pick in the entire draft. It was clearly a different time.

But tonight, The Mavericks were playing the Clippers. The announcers were talking about how Dirk's numbers were down this year, the year after he won the MVP, and that maybe it was an effect of being ousted in the first round of last year's playoffs despite having a 67-15 record. One of the announcers said, "he's having a great year, as far as assists are concerned."

D. Nowitzki, 2007, APG: 4.0. He's 40th in the NBA. Jeff McInnis, Brevin Knight, Steve Blake, and Earl Watson are among the no-name assholes beating his "great" 4.0 per game. Now, it isn't bad for a PF, but the fact remains that his team is underachieving, and his numbers are down. Prepare for the very real fact that this is not a coincidence.

Women I Love:Kim

I love Kim Kardashian. I love her because she is a total whore, and totally shameless.



WHAM!!!! Look at that ass! That ass, fake , or not fake, padded or whatever, is stunning! That is what is worth seeing a shitty celebrity sex tape for (note- I never saw it). Look at the size of that thing. Look at the size of her. Look at her tits. Kim is a fucking hero. I would slap that ass and ram her doggystyle for like nine hours. Maybe ten.



Holy shit! Is that real? Her ass is huge! That's really all I have to say. And unlike huge asses from the past, her ass looks the same all the time! So, not only is she slutty and dumb, but her ass and her tits look like that? She looks like some hot-ass princess Jasmine come to life, but with a much more gigantic and awesome ass.



That's all you need to know about Kim. That is how an ass is supposed to look. Of course, that is assuming that you aren't fat and have huge tits like Kim does.



See? Those are the tits I was talking about! Those things are huge. To whit:



this is a good shot of what her ass and her tits look like. Nothing wrong with that. I would fuck her until my penis was sore.







My Kim is a master of what I like to call the three quarters turn. You know, enough to see the depth and size of her awesome ass. See photo evidence.



Skin-tight workout pants? Yes please.

Kim Kardashian, I fucking love you. Let me do you, in the mouth, in the ass, whatever.

Stop it, fatty

Jennifer Love Hewitt. Remember her? She used to look like this?



Yeah, well, those days are over, I guess. I mean, look at that. That is one finely manicured and quite supple buttocks. That thing is nice. I want to be friends with it. And it wasn't even her best feature.... but I digress. Since everyone saw her at the beach looking like this,



she is all up in arms and defending herself against mean assholes like me who say she looks fat. To which I say: what, are you fucking serious? She says:

I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image.

No you aren't, Jennifer. You're upset for you. "All the girls out there" didn't have their mammoth, dimply asses famously photographed in a bikini. You did.

A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful.

I totally agree, baby. A size 2 isn't fat. And being thin doesn't mean that you will be attractive. But you were both. And you had (still do, I guess) huge titties! Hey, remember when your ass looked like this?



It doesn't anymore. You're not a fucking size two! Marissa fucking Miller is a size two, and her ass is physically unable to get as large as yours currently is. You must think everyone forgot about how fat your ass was. We didn't. It is haunting my dreams.

What I should be doing is celebrating some of the best days of my life and my engagement to the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with photographers taking invasive pictures from bad angles.

First, he's a tool, so nice going. Seeing as how HE is the "man of your dreams" makes me think that I did have a shot after all. Second, those pictures may be invasive, but the angles aren't bad. What's bad about a straight shot from behind? It looks good most of the time on a hot ass woman, but there is one caveat: your ass can not be gigantically fat. Remember this? It isn't even that old.



That's a nice fat ass. It looks good. It's all like, BAM!

I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family.

So does everyone else, because we all have "eyes" that let us "see" things. You looked like this as recently as a few days ago.



I doubt much has changed since then. But hey, remember when your ass looked like this?



That's not really fair, because you look really young in that picture. Your ass almost looks kind of small. But the point stands. You used to be really, really, really, really hot.

And like all women out there should, I love my body.
To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini -- put it on and stay strong.

Or better yet, don't. Try diet and exercise. It works, I swear! Maybe you can look like this again with a little work:


Right there is as fat as your ass should ever get. It's round, and generally looks awesome. It is kind of plump, but that's not bad. This

is bad. It's horrible. To me, this was like finding out Santa isn't real, only much, much worse. First Britney is tubby and ugly, now JLH, what's next? If Jessica Alba gets fat, I'm going to be fucking furious. I also like how Jennifer, who is basically famous for having large breasts, is upset when negative attention is payed to another body part. YOU'RE FAMOUS FOR BEING HOT!

I'm sick and fucking tired of people who are fat, or heavy or whatever trying to champion that look as if it's something to be proud of. It isn't. Besides being unappealing, its unhealthy to be fat. Why does no one ever say this? So Oprah, and Tyra Banks, and Jennifer, and Mo'Nique, and all the rest of you "real women with real curves" (translation: fatties who are lazy) why don't you all just go on a hunger strike for a while. If you aren't fat, people won't call you fat. It's not rocket science.

Hank, you're so awesome!

Dear Hank Steinbrenner,

First off, awesome name. Seriously, Hank? You must get mad pussy. Second, nice job being a hard-ass. I mean, no one believes you, and everyone secretly laughs at you, but it's the effort that counts. Your hard-ass deadline was pure awesome when you said it to the best player in baseball (even though you recanted and paid him anyway). It was fucking DOUBLE AWESOME when you said it to the best pitcher in the league. I mean, fuck him if he can't decide fast enough for you! Tough shit if there's other teams out there bidding on him as well! He should take your fucking offer! Doesn't he realize you work for the fucking YANKEES? Jesus H. Christ! He should take it if you offered him a hot dog and a used rubber! What an asshole!

So what if you alienated him. So what if you basically gave the Twins, and Santana's agent, all the reason they needed to send him to Boston. Big deal! It's not like their pitching staff will be any good with him anyway. The important thing is that you, Hank Henry Steinbrenner, come out of this looking tough. Because Yankees are tough. Even if it means being a fucking moron. Good for you, not being played against Boston - you tell 'em! That has never happened ever before, and now, because of you, it will never happen again. They'll probably put your face on the hundred dollar bill now. Probably. Fuck off, Ben Franklin! Hank is comin'!

(My fucking God you are a fuckfaced asshole, I hope you get ass cancer you worthless, brainless piece of shit. Why don't you just hand Boston the fucking championship next year, as if those assholes need any more reason to act like assholes. You are a stupid, ignorant moron. Jesus, I never thought that anyone could have been a bigger fuckup than your old man, but congrats! Enjoy second place for the next 8-10 years, douche.)

Sincerely,
everyone who cares about baseball

What a fucking shock!

The New England Patriots should have lost that game to the Baltimore Ravens (!). They had them beat, fourth and 1... timeout. Nice move, Billick, or whoever, I'm going to blame Billick because he thinks he's such a fucking genius, but he sucks. Why the fuck would you stop the clock there? Honestly? The only play they would call is the fucking quarterback sneak!!!! You stopped it! It was over! FUCK! BILLICK = FAIL.

And the refs. Awesome job on the non-existent holding play. Real classy. 98% of America groaned after that call. Why not just award them the fucking touchdown?

Props to Bart Scott, who is a huge meathead, but knows bullshit when he sees it. That shit was CORNY! One of the officials deserved to get brained with that flag. Fuck the penalty yards.

If you give a team as awesome as the Patriots like 200 chances, they will score a fucking touchdown. Every fan of professional football cried a little tonight.

And the worst part was shitty asshole Mike Tirico daring to give Tom Brady and the Patriots credit for their awesome comeback. That shit could not have been more orchestrated.

Booooooo-urns for the NFL. And boo-urns for the shit-eating, motherfucking Patriots.

I hate everyone from the New England area. Please die slowly of dysentery.

Artists who should die, part 3

Jordin Sparks: Sorry, maybe you seem nice or whatever, but you suck and were on American Idol, which means I genetically want to murder you. Also, is planet Earth were re-titled "Gigantic Girl Island" your album would be the "Thriller" of 2007. Alas, it is not, so you will have to settle for being the gigantic girl with poor record sales and way too many fucking teeth.

matchbox twenty: Really? It's really you? I feel like someone who has just been reunited with his long lost brother, only his long lost brother was a horribly overrated mid nineties wack-ass rock group. Rob Thomas? You ruined my NBA playoffs two years ago, and when I see you, I'll put you out for being such a fag. How'd that solo career go? Ouch. Sorry about that. That's what you get for teaming up with Postmaster General Santana. Anyone heard from Michelle Branch lately?

Lil' Wayne: Everyone on Earth is giving you credit for your mixtape prolificness, and for your witty lyrics, but I fear you have bought into your own shit. You actually kind of suck. Your lyrics are wack. I thought you were going to be awesome. I downloaded "Da Drought III" and it was filled with wack-ass lyrics to wack-ass songs. You tried to be T.I; you thought you could be number one in rap by default. But actually, you suck. That's why no one ever mentions your own solo songs. They might mention your shitty guest verses (I don't give shit how much money you get for them; you're probably lying and if I could take a shit in someone's kitchen for $75,000, I would totally do it, so suck my cock, you ass-rammer) but in reality you are like the 48th best rapper alive. Ouch. That's quite a demotion. Unless you consider that your "best rapper alive" moniker was self appointed. Tough shit, asshole.

Natasha Bedingfield: Your brother is a fag. You suck, unless you are willing to let me touch your bulbous ass. That thing is really quote enormous. I'd smack the shit out of it. Otherwise, you're just an ugly, untalented piece of crap. And teaming with Sean Kingston? What is it, May? That asshole is living in a cardboard box by now.

DJ Khaled: I hated your guts, your lack of talent and ability, until I saw you on MTV Cribs. It was sad. Your house was wack. You ran your hands from high to low on your piano, followed by an akward silence, followed by.... "WE THE BEST!" You really believe that. It is sad. The best at what? Eating White Castles? You put your name on something that you had almost nothing to do with, and act like you're a hip hop superstar. You're a joke. Wu-Tang probably laugh at you. Jay-Z and Nas probably laugh at you. Dre probably laughs at you. You can't rap, you can't produce, and yet here your name is. You make Timbaland look talented. For that, you deserve a small exhibit at the arts and sciences museum.

Until then, please die.

Just a Quick Reminder

I don't hate "The Sports Guy" Bill Simmons. I find him mildly amusing, and I almost always read his stuff. But, just like anyone else, his homerism is annoying. I fucking hate homers. Tom Jackson picking the Broncos every single week, anyone? How about how that anklegrabber Ditka always has a rationale for choosing the Bears, a team whose best player is their kick returner? Not good, fellas. I call foul.

But Simmons may be the most famous homer of all. And it's not like he doesn't have the right to be, I guess, seeing as how The Patriots are... well whatever, the Celtics look for real (though I worry that they may burn out), and the Red Sox just won the WS. Again. It's a great time to be alive in Boston. The rest of us? Not so much. From old windy Bill's latest, a strange column that served as a letter to himself 25 years ago (don't ask, I think it was all a premise to make fun of Dane Cook):

So that's all you need to know in Part 1. I'll shoot you another e-mail next week to prepare you for what happened in Boston sports since 1982. Here's a hint: the Red Sox turned the tables on the Yankees; Pat Patriot and the Garden were brutally murdered; the Celtics have cheerleaders; Fenway Park has Monster seats; the Patriots evolved into the most successful and despised football team of the decade, there was an eight-week stretch of Sports Illustrateds this fall in which a Boston team appeared on the cover six times; and a guy behind the counter in a hardware store noticed your Boston shirt last week and said, "I hate Boston, you guys win everything."

Most of this is harmless. Who cares about Pat Patriot and the Monster seats; Celtics have cheerleaders? Yawn; SI streak? No one cares about SI anymore; everyone always hates Boston, nothing new to report there; wait, what?

the Red Sox turned the tables on the Yankees

Ahem. Look. They won the 2004 ALCS. Congratulations. You won the World Series in 2004 and 2007. But "turned the tables"? That's a bit strong, isn't it? The Yankees have dominated the Red Sox for like 700 years until recently, and it isn't as if the Yankees have been out of the hunt during that time.

Boston Red Sox, 2004 - 2007: 375 wins, 273 losses. 3,543 runs scored, 3,056 runs allowed.
New York Yankees, 04-07: 387 wins, 261 losses. 3,680 runs scored, 3,131 runs allowed.

BOS: .579 win percentage, +487 run differential.
NYY: .597 win percentage, +549 run differential.

And I know, I know, "World Series Titles for Boston: 2. Yankees: 0." Right. Awesome, except that is based on like 20 games over the last four years, where the above data is based on 648. And if I hear someone else say "the playoffs are the only time it matters," one more time, I'm going to choke them to death. Also, the World Title discrepancy was like 2 million to three in favor of New York before 2004, and I bet the win percentage, run differentials, team ERAs, and whatever other stat you want to use would be equally lopsided.

And I know that part of saying that they've "turned the tables" is the long suffering Boston sports fan in him; the part that isn't using to being able to celebrate anything, much less gloat about it. And part of me understands that. But the other part thinks that saying something so stupid and smug is exactly the reason that the rest of the continental United States would pretend not to notice if a violent earthquake tore Massachusetts away from the eastern seaboard.

No, Bill Simmons. You are wrong.

Also, I hope Tom Brady breaks his leg, and angrily throws his helmet towards the sidelines in a moment of frustration and adrenaline, and the helmet strikes Belichick in the face and he dies.

Oops. I said the quiet part loud, and the loud part quiet.

I keep telling you, they DO have other uses besides cooking and cleaning!

A lot of people give me shit all the time about how I hate women. That is untrue. I love women, for the most part. They can be fucking infuriating sometimes, but it's wrong to say that I just hate all women. I hate blanket statements anyway. Here are ten women I love, and why, in no particular order.

Christina Milian


I don't think she gets enough recognition is all. Why do I love her? Look at her. Her body is amazing. Sure, she sucks as a singer, and isn't much as an actress either, but she looks like that and she always seems to be sweet as well. Maybe she's a total bitch, but like I said, she can't act that well so I doubt it. She does lose a couple of points for banging Nick "biggest douche in the universe" Cannon, but I can let that slide. She is a hot little number.

Leticia Cline


Leticia here is a model at bike shows or some crap. Apparently, she really likes motorcycles. I know, who cares, right? I love Leticia because I heard her on Howard Stern the other day, and she came off as really slutty (even though she claimed to have only been banged by 3 guys, which I fucking doubt). She said she likes rough sex and sex in cars and movie theaters, even giving blowjobs ("it's the ultimate power", she said. I would gladly give her some ultimate power in her mouth) and shit. The good news is she isn't a prude. The bad news is she's obviously pretty stupid. But that doesn't matter when a girl looks like her, and she knows it. You know when you really want to have sex with a hot or pretty hot girl, and you finally get the chance, but the actual sex is kind of disappointing? I mean, it's still sex, but you kind of expected something special because you built up a fine-ass chick in your mind? With Leticia, I would almost guarantee that that would not happen. She looks like she fucks like she means it. And that is as good a reason as any to love her. Also, she has a kid, which sucks, but her body still looks like that, which is awesome.

Marisa Miller


Marisa is a great woman. She is the type of woman that makes me extremely happy I'm not gay. Just cranking one out to Marisa feels like an accomplishment. I once told a friend of mine while perusing the SI Swimsuit issue that women like Marisa (as if there are more than one, her body is that fucking sick. I mean, look at her tits! They're fucking huge! And what, does she do like a million sit-ups a day! Unreal) are the reason that normal women get eating disorders and feel insecure. She's also the reason that relatively hot chicks are insecure because compared to Marisa, "relatively hot" means jack shit. Therefore, said relatively hot chicks are easier to talk into having sex with me. So there you have it. Marisa Miller: American Hero.

Hayden Panettiere


You're just going to have to trust me that that is Hayden. It is, I swear! Hayden kind of looks like a troll sometimes, and her head looks huge on her because she's so small, but I still love her. Why? Because she has a great little bubble ass. Look at it! It looks great, huh? It's not tiny, but not huge. It has just the right amount of meat on it for her frame. Her ass, and the fact that she has no problem wearing tight ass jeans and getting her ass photographed, is why I love Hayden.

Beyonce Knowles


Beyonce is kind of annoying. She's EVERYWHERE, all the time. Music, movies, award shows,commercials, whatever. You can't go two days without seeing or hearing her. However, she is very pretty, seems to be sweet and humble, and has a great body. Nice tits, nice hips, and her huge ass is awesome. I don't always like huge asses like Beyonce's, but it fits her extremely well. She just needs to watch it so she doesn't get all fat and shit. So, in conclusion, I love Beyonce because she is hot and has a huge ass. And maybe she's talented or something, who cares. She's also with Jay-Z, who is ass ugly, but an awesome rapper. Bonus points.

Gemma Atkinson


I love her for two reasons. No, not her left and right breasts, though that would work. One reason is yes, she has huge boobs. Tremendously huge. And she knows that that's why she's relevant. And she likes showing off. The other reason, and this is going to sound gay, is her eyes. She has the most amazing eyes I've ever seen. They make me feel that all is right in the world, and that Israel and Palestine will eventually settle their differences, and that Grey's Anatomy will soon be cancelled, and that some day, some sportswriter will admit that Alex Rodriguez is actually awesome. Gemma Atkinson gives me hope. And, she has giant boobs.

Jenn Sterger


Jenn is famous (not really, sort of semi-famous, like the girl who showed up at the Saints / Eagles playoff game last year with the elegant and classy "Fuck Da Eagles" shirt) for being spotted at a Florida State football game looking hot. That's it. It's beside the point that FSU sucks balls. She doesn't seem to be good at anything, but she's really hot, and has really nice tits. She's one of those girls who is really hot, and also aware that she is really hot, which is alternatingly annoying and awesome. It's kind of nice to see a girl who basically says, "I'm fucking hot. Pay attention to me." It's honest, at least, which is kind of refreshing. Those low cut tank tops and tube tops and halter tops are the most honest shirts that a girl with an awesome rack like Jenn can wear. She didn't get implants to wear turtleneck sweaters, people. Also, she seems to be a big sports fan, which is kind of cool. Although her sport of choice is football, which is about as brainless as it gets, but still. It's a start.

Lauren Graham


Lauren Graham is an inspiration. That woman is 40 years old, and look at her ass. Granted, that picture is probably a couple years old, but still. I know 21 year olds whose asses don't look nearly that good. And I am willing to watch Gilmore Girls, which is an annoying, unnecessary, stupid show, just to see her 40 year old ass. It is amazing. That's it, really. She actually comes across as kind of funny on talk shows too, which means she actually has a sense of humor! A woman, with a sense of humor, and a perfect ass who is 40? If not for Lauren Graham, I would tell you that such a woman could not possibly exist. Thank you, Lauren. I love you.

Jennifer Nicole Lee


There are obvious reasons to love Jennifer. Her rack, her amazing muscle tone, the fact that she's drop dead fucking gorgeous. But the most pressing reason to love her is that she is a mother. Not because of any circle of life bullshit, but she's 32 and a mother and she looks like that. She was a dumpy housewife at one time, all flabby and depressed and dead inside. And instead of just bitching about how fat she was while munching on a Butter Burger from Culver's, she decided to start working out. And she kept doing it. And now she is hot, and awesome, and probably rich. She is also a sort of famous fitness model who started a company of some kind based on the fact that she can whip out of shape fatties into hotties like her. I love her because of her amazing body, but also her commitment. In an age where everyone wants an easy fix to fitness, Jennifer actually accomplished being hot as fuck the only actual way there is: diet and exercise. She should be hoisted on our shoulders.

Halle Berry


Everyone with eyes and a functional frontal lobe thinks Halle Berry is beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, whatever. And that's reason enough to love her. Pure, simple, genetic excellence. Halle Berry is better than you, if you are female. The end. Look at that picture of her. It's like a month old. Halle Berry is 41 and fucking PREGNANT and she still looks like that. Seriously. I've never said I would fuck the shit out of a pregnant woman before, but I would seriously fuck the shit out of Halle Berry. For real. She looks better old and pregnant than 19 year olds do. If Halle Berry ran for President, I would so vote for her. Assuming I vote at all, which I don't, but...anyway. Halle Berry is about as perfect of a female specimen as mankind is likely to encounter. Halle, you're the best. Not actress, you're just indescribably hot. So thank you.

More some other time. I'm fucking tired.

What the FUCK?

Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer. What has become of your once perfect physique?


Your ass is fucking HUGE. That is a giant ass, and I hate when people try to say "at least she's healthy" or whatever. That is a bonafide massive ass. Massive, I say.

I remember it like it was yesterday. "I Know What You Did Last Summer". It was 1997. I was almost 15. And when I saw your beautiful, bouncing breasts on your very slight frame, I suddenly knew what the word love meant. You were my first love, Jennifer. You made a career being the cute girl with the giant rack. It worked for you in "Heartbreakers", "The Suburbans", "The Tuxedo", and "Can't Hardly Wait".

Now you have a show, "Ghost Whisperer". I don't really watch it, but I see pictures of you on it. You still look good on there. Your tits are still enormous, bigger than ever. Your ass seemed to have gotten a little bit meatier, but I was all for that too. I like a little junk back there. It just means you're built for comfort, that's all. But this?


This might be pushing it. Don't get me wrong, I would still wreck you in the sack. I don't even think it looks too awful, really. But you're a famous actress. You are supposed to be hot. Really, really hot. And this isn't so much a plea for you to be all skinny again, just to not get any fatter. Because you're kind of stretching the bounds of good taste. When I crank one out to you, I don't really want to reminded that my ex had an ass that was only slightly fatter and more unpalatable than that. And it was only like that is because she had a kid, and THEN her ass got all fat. So could you hit the gym once in a while, maybe? That would be super. By the way, your tits still look pretty awesome.